Emotional Abuse: Rules of the game.

After studying my first husband's behavior, I was able to determine the rules of the game he played so well. I still don't know how to short-circuit the game, though, and not let people like that win.

Anyway, the game is played this way:

1. Player begins a chosen Provocation. Target MUST find it annoying, not amusing. If Target only laughs, Player tries another activity. This works best if Player knows Target is not in a playful mood, but a good mood can be ruined with enough effort.

2. If Target ignores Provocation, Player will escalate it or try something else.

3. If Target attempts to escape by leaving the room, Player will either follow Target or block the exit.

4. Player continues Provocation until Target becomes visibly upset and asks, "Will you please stop that?" This is the official starting gun. Upon hearing this cue, Player intensifies Provocation by raising volume, increasing frequency, moving closer, or a combination of any of those. Player wins when Target loses temper and cries, yells, or curses. The prize is a triumphant blaming of Target for being "crazy" or "no fun."

5. Expert Players can score bonus points, acting so wounded by Target's reaction that Target will apologize, while not requiring an apology for the Provocation. Additional style points if this game can be played in the presence of a third party who never catches on. Then Player may freely complain to the third party about how rough Player has it, since Target is so emotionally unstable and all.

Yep. This is exactly how my mother plays the game, too. She's been winning for years.

That's complete disrespect. Keep a can of mace handy, see if that works.

THey don't win by not having anyone to play this game with. I would avoid a person like that!

My father would get a real kick out of triggering an emotion for me and would then ridicule me if I displayed the emotion - guess that is why now I either feel so overwhlemed with my feelings, or alternatively shut down completely. I've gone beyond trying to understand him, he's taken enough of my life - now I am focusing on trying to understand me.

Which is, of course, the only way to escape it. But if you're a child and it's your parent treating you this way, or if you're a wife and it's your husband doing it, avoidance can be next to impossible. I did eventually divorce my first husband, but because of religious conviction and church pressure, it took 5 years.

Of course he immediately started playing the game with his new wife.

I haven't figured that out, either.

I think a variation of the game might be, abuser says, "I have this idea. What? You won't go along with it? What are you, a wimp? Look at the wimp, everybody!"

I know we're both better than this.

I've had that game played with me. Why do people do this kind of **** to others? I just don't understand.

Yep ~ That's my first husband. What a jerk. I spent 26 years with that abusive so and so. Sure felt good when I got divorced!!!

For the purpose of this exercise, I'm going to call participants "A" and "B", as target and player status can change.

Anyway, the game is played this way:

1. [A] begins a chosen Provocation. [B] MUST find it annoying, not amusing. If [B] only laughs, [A] tries another activity. This works best if [A] knows [B] is not in a playful mood, but a good mood can be ruined with enough effort. Solution: Provoke [A]. See American Dad "License to Till". It's on hulu.

2. If [B] ignores Provocation, [A] will escalate it or try something else. See above, employ escalation as needed.

3. If [B] attempts to escape by leaving the room, [A] will either follow [B] or block the exit. Seduce [A]. When [A] is in a disarmed state, use opportunity to secure [A]'s wrist to any heavy and solid device with a set of handcuffs. Laugh good-heartedly, say "nice try", then proceed to exit.

4. [A] continues Provocation until [B] becomes visibly upset and asks, "Will you please stop that?" This is the official starting gun. Upon hearing this cue, [A] intensifies Provocation by raising volume, increasing frequency, moving closer, or a combination of any of those. [A] wins when [B] loses temper and cries, yells, or curses. The prize is a triumphant blaming of [B] for being "crazy" or "no fun." If provocation becomes unbearable, call her or him out on his or her behaviour objectively and calmly. Try to discuss it with them in a diplomatic manner. It's best to have a third party as a witness. Hidden witnesses (someone in the next room) especially, as [A] will try to act on his or her best behaviour when he or she knows she or he is being watched... When that inevitably fails, leave peacefully and call the divorce lawyer. At least you can say you tried.

5. Expert Players can score bonus points, acting so wounded by Target's reaction that Target will apologize, while not requiring an apology for the Provocation. Additional style points if this game can be played in the presence of a third party who never catches on. Then Player may freely complain to the third party about how rough Player has it, since Target is so emotionally unstable and all. [B] should apologize only if it's in [B]'s best interest to do so; i.e., if in a public place where others will be able to see [B] as the voice of reason and realize [A] is an ***. [B] should get to third party first.

interestin how nothing is ever their fault

I think it stops when they find a new target and not before

In my case it was someone I dated for 2 years. I had an email that said I didn't 'need' him. He eventually married a woman from a third world country so she haas no escape. I found many exs on the internet included his first needy wife who committed suicide to get away from him..

It is interesting because I have the power now and he is afraid of me. I can tell people in his life where to find stuff on internet. Or I could tell to police or bosses etc.

I think people like this just keep doing it. It is an ego thing.

roses