These Three Things

I feel like i need to get out what happened to me.

When I was a child, my parents friends would come to visit us and stay the weekend. the husband would sit with me as I practiced piano (at my house) or played video games on the computer (at his house). He would actually stand behind me and rub up against me until he climaxed. As a child, i didn't know what was going on. it wasn't until i was in my 20s and had flashbacks that i realized what happened. he was prosecuted for molesting his children.

When I was 17 my parents took me on a cruise. a man came up to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and did i want to go do lines with him...i was young and stupid and said yes...so off i went on this giant cruise ship and he took me to his room and locked me in and raped me for about 6 hours while pouring cocaine down my nose and thoughout my body....he told me he was taking me back to his home in Puerto Rico. I finally got him to let me leave telling him Ijust wanted to get my stuff from my parents. As I stumbled through the halls I ran into my parents who had been searching frantically for me. i was so embarassed by what had happened that I couldn't tell them and just told them i took a walk with a man, and they called me a slut and took me back to the room. i couldn't sleep from all the coke, or take a shower because they would wonder why I was taking a shower at 3am, so I just sat in the bathroom crying. the next day I just passed out on the deck of the ship and got sun poisoning. I was miserable the rest of the trip. I don't know what happened but i guess my mind decided it would just block this out for that time, because i came home and went to work, went to college and had a good time. When i graduated and had my first apartment, job and was living with my great boyfriend, that's when the memories started flowing in.
WARNING - This could become very triggering!

When I was 30 I met J while I was still married - the marriage was basically over and I left, and J left his wife 2 weeks later and moved into the same apartment complex as i did. We started spending all of our time together - he was a little controling and jealous but he was so different than my ex husband that I didn't mind. he started introducing me to bondage - light scarves for tying my hands, blindfolds. At first it was exciting but it quickly turned dangerous.

At the same time, he became more aggressive - we started dating in April, i had him arrested in August for hitting me and got a restraining order. Of course i dropped it because he loved me and promised he'd change. I'd nver had anyone do anything like that to me - I believed he could change. i was so dumb!

the scarves became ropes and duct tape and ball gags. tickling became slapping and whips. There were no "safe words" if you know anything about people that actually do bondage - you are supposed to have a safe word to have it stop. he never stopped. he would look up pictures of japanese rope tying and drool. he started walking with me holding my arm telling me what he was going to do to me when we got home - i felt like i had a gun on me - i would think about trying to escape while we were at a store but i didn't want anyone to know what he was doing to me - I was embarassed that i was in this situation. I had to cover bruises and burns on my arms and legs from the ropes. sometimes i'd come home and he'd just grab me and tie me up. If we got in an arguement he'd just start beating me, spitting on me....wouldn't let me leave if i wanted to leave.
He was jealous of me spending time with my cat. I went to work with black eyes and said i walked into a door.

The worst part was that he had kids. his older one had seen him hit his mother. And they knew when J got mad to watch out.

It took me 2 years to finally leave him for good.

then i ran into him somewhere and he started texting, calling, emailing...
i got another restraining order.

The judge said he wasn't being harassing enough to file a permanent one.

saw him one other time and I ran away. I'm not sure where he lives now but I always wonder if I will run into him again.
i know whoever he is with is going through this same thing.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. i just needed to get it out.

I am sorry you have been treated so abusively. It sounds like you have kept this all very much to yourself and haven't shared it with anyone who could help you resolve the trauma you have been through.Maybe I am wrong because I am fairly new here so forgive me if I am wrong, but have you talked with a therapist about this? If not, it might be a good time to think about it.

I know it isn't easy. I am just starting to tell my T about my trauma. He has been wonderful about it but it is still hard and exhausting. Sending you gentle hugs.

You are very brave in sharing this! None of this was your fault. Releasing all those secrets we hold inside can bring so much relief. I'm sorry all this happened to you!

I went to a rape counselor when that stuff came back to me (which was about 5 years after) and a group, but the group actually made things worse for me.

I'm in therapy now, and have been with the same person(same T) since I left the abusive ex...I don't even remember if i dealt with it back then - i know it came up when he came around and I had to get the restraining order, but I feel like i will get worse instead of better if i really go into it with her...(I am a master of avoidance)
So if I deal with it here....i don't know...but thank you and you Can'tStopCrying....i appreciate the kind words and thoughts....not many people in real life understand.

I'm sorry that those things happened to you. I'm glad that you are in therapy. Welcome to PC.

That is terrible that all that happened to you. I am familiar with the bondage and BDSM scene. In no way should bondage be practiced without a safe word. BDSM can offer a very intimate experience to some but that is sad that you got with someone that apparently had no clue and should never have even tried to do it with anyone.

I wish him something very painful and I wish you that you will not see or hear him in your life.

Wow what a bunch of horrible experiences - well done for leaving the last guy and I hope you never have to face him again. Well done also for sharing this - I am also a great avoider, sometimes I am not even aware that I am doing it - so I understand how very hard it is to share these things with T - really brave of you to therefore share those things on here - maybe sharing with us can make it a little easier to eventually share it with T?

My T does know these things
I did Trauma work from the early stuff years and years ago - like 1992-92.
Everything else...I wouldn't say I've done actual work on it. T knows, I talk about it, and now it's finding it's way back into my life with my current husband who I'll be leaving as soon as I can.

Sharing here is easy. Talking about it for me is relatively easy...I think figuring out what i've learned and not making the same mistakes is my problem.

It sounds like you already have a lot of insight into your patterns of choosing partners. Now the next step is finding a way to not repeat it, and I don't think you can do that without addressing the abuse again in some depth. It seems that we recreate elements of our abuse until we learn what it is we need to learn. Sucks really. But at least you are aware of it. Good luck with leaving your current husband safely and soon.

Not to do make same mistakes. Exactly, girls, No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody. No more relationships which make from us a doormat of somebody.

If you are not sure if I am Ok, go to see my thread Looking at my life. I think I am OK but I was not OK and I did not know it.

Yes, changing our behavior is the key. Awareness, analysis and understanding will get you there.