The Lessons I Have Taught My Children

I see so much of myself in my son. The guilt sometimes becomes overwhelming. I understand there is a genetic component to depression/anxiety, but I wonder how much of it is learned behavior? I had not really dealt with my abuse issues when I had my children and my oldest has vague memories of my last sui attempt and hospitalization (he was 6). It seems like a lot of his insecurities, anxieties, and hopelessness can be directly related to things he learned from me.
I think the thing that troubles me most is that he believes there is nothing more to life than just existing. Sometimes the words that come out of his mouth sound like they could come directly from my head. I did spend so much of his early years just existing. Did I teach him that there is nothing more to life?
Some of his symptoms are characteristic of PTSD, he has never been exposed to trauma so that tells me that he learned these behaviors from me. Hyper-vigilance, self-doubt, self-loathing.
The one thing that matters the most to me in this life is being a good mother. Is that even realistic for me? I know I love my boys more than anything in the world - but what if love is not enough? What if the lessons I learned as a child I inadvertently passed on?
I think my biggest mistake in life was having children before I had resolved my past. It is not fair to them to have to deal with the aftermath. How do I fix this and end the cycle of pain? I have protected him from abuse, but he is suffering in spite of that. How much of this did I contribute to?
I guess I was wondering what other victims of abuse with children think... even if the actual cycle of abuse stops, does the cycle of pain continue into the next generation?

Okay I don't have children but I do know that there personalities are developed by the age of three. You change what has been done. I found some articles that may help answer your questions. http://www.sharecare.com/question/mo...t-her-children That article iis from Dr.Oz. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/40061.php
I hope this helps. Don't feel terrible about passing it on to your children, I'm sure your making it up everyday now to make there life the best at it can be. Sending (((HUGS)))

this is a very painful subject to all of us who wonder as you do about our capability as parents. the shame and guilt from our past bleeds through into the present life that we are trying so hard improve.

research on children of holocaust survivors show the kids have a similar, but not as severe, stress response. they slightly overreact to emotional stimuli. so yes, it affects kids. and a very sensitive child will pick up not only on parents' symptoms but their view of life. it is very hard to hide everything.

my daughter, when i was going through my divorce, asked what's wrong if i just sighed! i worked with her therapist on ways to keep my repeatedly re-ignited ptsd from leaking all over my kids. i know i was not entirely successful and it breaks my heart. i am told, however, that every parent passes along something less than positive.

i know of course we with ptsd tend to unreasonably see ourselves as damaged goods and possibly contaminating to those near us. an understandable result of chronic child abuse--"i am bad, i am in essence unlovable, i am not life-giving to be around, etc etc etc." this self image as adults is the insult following the childhood injuries. unjust, unfair--again.

so we have to get up and try again the next day. or else the past wins. and all anyone can do is their best. generally, i find survivors to be a pretty hardy bunch who strive more persistently than many to get it right in the here and now.

just a quick note. the idea that personalities are formed by age 3 has never been accepted by psychology. since Freud we've known that critical personality development continues years after. and the latest discovery of neuroplasticity gives hope for lots of change and growth at all ages. (ps--dr oz is not your best source. fact checker finds tons of errors. he can be helpful, but shoots from the hip without doing research homework sometimes.)

(((CSC)))
I can relate...While my daughter is only 2, I wonder everyday how much what I am going through/how I am is affecting her. My biggest worry is that she grows up and becomes like me. That is my strongest motivator is going to therapy and sticking with it even when it feels like there's no point. I can especially relate to the part where you said you just exist and thus your son now believes that's what life is. I think I am already passing that on to my daughter and it kills me. I also wonder every time there is something going on with her (like lately night terrors) if it is normal development or is it because she has a mom with depression/history of abuse/anxiety/etc. It's so hard and the guilt becomes overwhelming. So I can only imagine how you feel. There is no doubt you love your kids. Just remember that this is NOT your fault. You are not choosing this. You are coping the best you can and you are taking steps towards healing. You love your son and want the very best for him. All those things make you a great parent. You will get through this and so will he. Just keep trying, keep healing, keep reminding your son how much you love him. You are not a bad mother, and you can stop the cycle.

Thanks for all the support! I know all parents have things that they regret in hindsight and I know I did the best I could with the tools I had. I just question if my best was good enough.
I think we learn how to parent from our parents and I believed that as long as I basically did everything opposite of my parents that my kids would be spared the pain and suffering that have dominated my life. It is so hard to hear my son talk about sui and how miserable he is and not only feel responsible, but also feel helpless. More than anything I want to take his pain away!

Someone very close to me said that he believes that all suicidal people should be allowed to die to avoid passing on their "bad" genes. That really hurt! And makes me wonder if my boys would be better without me. I think (hope) it's just me thinking irrationally/emotionally and letting that comment filter under my skin and start questioning everything again.

I really hope your son finds the peace, hes looking for. I can't image what that feels like for you to hear your son with so much pain. I really hope, that whatever he is going threw passes soon for you and him. I will be thinking of you and your family, wishing the best of luck to you.

This is a hard one isn't it? I am mum to 2 kids aged 7 and 5 - I would give my left arm to spare them from experiencing any pain or sadness in life. However life is painful for everyone, even "normal" life experiences can be painful, bereavement, failure to achieve a dream, loss etc...We can all beat ourselves up, blame ourselves for everything - I am so good at that - we can't spare them from pain but I think one of the most important things that we can do is strive to make them feel heard and to feel loved.

Hi my middle son always had issues. He got in trouble all the time. In his childhood. As I was getting help I would do the samething get him help. He spent many years in group homes did very well there. As he became an adult I still thought I was still the problem. People told me he's grown you gave him tools now it's time for him to use them. True he still lives with me but we address every problem as they arise. You can't contnue to blame yourself. Can you offer them help to see someone before they become an adult? If so than try that. My thoughts and prapery are with you. The cycle can end trust me. If you have taught them wrong from right than you still have a chance. "AMEN"

((((((((((csc)))))))

CSC, you are going to therapy and working on getting better. After you move forward and heal some you will be able to help your son more and your healing alone will be healing for him too. He is in therapy?

Yes, has been for some time, also taking anti-depressants. He is just plain stuck! So hopeless!

There is still time..........

i understand. my daughter is an adult with several conditions. we still fight it every day. but there are better days, and moments of peace and smiles. it is what we have. this life, with these conditions, and these oh so inadequate treatments from psychology that still has so far to go!

we are not contaminated, or damaged goods, or hopeless cases. we may lose hope at times, but we ourselves are not beyond recovery. we are survivors, we are overcomers, we are those of great courage and endurance. and when one of us, brave souls, loses faith for a bit, the rest of us draw near and hold her/him up on their leaning side. we are privileged and honored to do so. we are with you.