memories

GB52 · May 25, 2011, 06:19 AM

Today my mind is full of memories of the abuse I experienced as a child and what happened more recently, I keep zoning out. I really want to talk about it, I really want to share but I am so scared

Leed · May 25, 2011, 07:36 AM

You don't need to be scared here. No one will judge you. We can't talk about you ~ we don't even know who you are. LOL And we wouldn't do that anyway!!!

I know that talking about past issues is scary -- would talking to a therapist be less frightening? You should probably be seeing one anyway.

You'll need to see one in order to figure out how to deal with these issues. You can't keep carrying them around with you like excess baggage ~ you've got to learn how to let them go. And a therapist would know how to do that.

(((gentle hugs))) to you, my friend. Take care. Lee

Sannah · May 25, 2011, 10:07 AM

Hi GB, welcome to PC. I'm sorry that you are in distress. I'm ready to listen when you are ready.

*doodles* · May 25, 2011, 06:28 PM

Sharing is a HUGE step. I was so beyond scared too. I have all these horrible thoughts about myself and I was SURE everyone would think so, too, once they heard my story. However, I have shared bits and pieces here and received only comforting words and advice, and I recently shared with T, and the same thing. And it has made such a difference. Although I can't really talk about it still, the fact that I'm not holding onto on my own is very helpful. I really hope you are able to do the same when you are ready. And I am sorry you had to go through some crappy stuff as a kid. Not fair

Were here if you want to share.

Can't Stop Crying · May 26, 2011, 03:46 PM

I am sorry you are suffering. This is a safe place where you will receive support. Share as you feel comfortable. The first step in opening up is the hardest, but it provides so much relief. No child should be abused. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

GB52 · May 27, 2011, 05:52 PM

Hi All thanks for responding, I dont feel so alone now. The problem is there is so much of it I don't know where to begin...

*doodles* · May 27, 2011, 06:29 PM

Begin where ever you want. Just write whatever comes to mind, even if the only person it makes sense to is you. Just release whatever is in your head, and find some relief!
((((hugs)))) you are not alone!

Can't Stop Crying · May 28, 2011, 06:36 AM

I agree with doodle! One step at a time, get those thoughts and feelings out. It's tough, I understand. Secrets thrive in silence. the more you keep inside yourself, the more it seems to grow. Let it out as you feel comfortable, this is a safe place!

GB52 · May 28, 2011, 05:13 PM

Okay....here goes, I will start with the biggest memory but the easiest to recount, far worse happened than this unfortunately. I was 14ish being asked by B to come in to his garage he had something to show me. I walked down the garden knowing what was coming. He shut the door and felt me, told me that i was growing nicely and he was proud of how big my boobs were. He told me that he wanted me to show him how I loved him. (this usually meant oral or penertrative sex) and I said no. That I had done everything he wanted since I was 8 and I couldnt do it anymore. Anger flashed accross his face and he hit me.

I fell back and hit my head on something. Slightly dazed I suddenly noticed liquid being poured over me, it stank (i think it was something like petrol or lighter fluid or white spirit ) he.... (sorry .... oh god) okay.... he lit a match and brought it closer. he told me the only way that i would be identified would be through dental records. It felt like he held the match there ages but it probably wasnt very long. He told me i stank and to go get a shower which i did without protest. Once out of the shower I was raped, choked and beaten. No one knew, no one noticed no one saved me. i endured that for another 2 years making the total 8 years.

Open Eyes · May 28, 2011, 06:22 PM

That was very brave of you to let that out. I am very sorry, that is just awful for you. There are other stories like that here and we all suffer and there are some nice people here and they do understand that pain. They also know how important it is to finally let it out and have others understand how much you were hurt. It is hard to let abuse out for every victim, but being validated is very important and it helps you take steps to finally dealing with it and letting yourself heal. It is good to know that you have a therapist to help you. Theres a lot of good support here, others that know the journey and can offer support to you.

Just think of it as a beginning of healing and knowing that it wasnt your fault and you actually were a victim and everyone here can agree to that.

The magic wand we can offer here to let you know your not alone anymore. Thats over with, now you have others to share with that truely understand how it feels to be a victim.

((((((((((((((((((GB52)))))))))))))))

insightunseen · May 28, 2011, 10:55 PM

you were not only beaten and violated, you were threatened with death. you have been through horrors no one should ever think of. it feels SO awful to have even been near such evil as your abuser enacted, but you have NO SHAME. there is a place in hell for abusers, and you can recover and heal and have a life of new safety and love and peace. God bless you in your journey from darkness to life. you are a brave survivor!

Can't Stop Crying · May 28, 2011, 11:20 PM

You are brave for letting that out! I am so sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault and you did not deserve that. Keep letting this out as you feel comfortable. I am proud of you for opening up!

Sannah · May 29, 2011, 08:42 PM

GB I'm so sorry that all of this happened to you. You so deserved a life without abuse. Do you have a therapist?

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