Trigger: Re: SA....

It is so true that those who have experienced SA or CSA are more likely to be targeted again.....and I know I am partially responsible for it, for putting myself in situations and/or not recognizing the warning signs....

Last night, I went to an innocent party...which ended with me being in a very familiar and icky situation. I just feel sick and scared that the world is just not a safe place. The warning signs were there, and I ignored them - so I got what I deserved. I asked them to stop and said NO but my voice was weak and small.....I'm not strong enough to be in the real world right now.



Luckily, things were interrupted when they did by a child that wasn't able to sleep coming outside....Thank goodness. But I should not need that to happen in order to protect myself.

I see T tomorrow and we're supposed to be talking about some other important stuff....yet I know this is important...but I feel like my voice is gone. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself in that situation. I know what I needed to do - but didn't do it....It was like I was watching it all happen but wasn't really there.....so what's the point in talking about with T? I don't know...I just feel so..YUCK.

Mixed up emotions, I am new here and confess I don't know what SA or CSA mean, but I do know what it feels like to be in a dangerous situation and blame myself for it. I'd like to say it's not your fault. We all miss warning signs at times. I am just happy you are here today to post and I know you are feeling really bad, but as long as you're safe the icky feelings will lessen with time. Hang in there and take care of you.

((((((hugs))))))
This is NOT your fault!!! It is true that re-victimization(?) happens quite often with CSA survivors, it has with me. But it is not, not, not your fault. Even if you didn't loudly/clearly say no, you didn't say YES, did you??? And it is not ok that whoever did that to you took advantage. I'm sorry
I really think you should talk to T about this. Would you be able to write it down and give it to her? I know I have a hard time with words, and something like this, I would probably feel the same way as you, but I think writing it down might be helpful.
I'm sorry you don't feel safe

I'm so sorry you are hurting and feel so YUCK and it is so not your fault. I hope you'll find a way to talk about this with your therapist. And even if you are not ready to actually discuss it, at least let your therapist know what happened some way, some how. *offering safe hugs*

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))))) I am so so so sorry that this has happened to you. Do not blame yourself. This is NOT you're fault. If you go into session tomorrow and this is at the forefront of you're mind then you might want to consider bringing it up to T. That choice will be yours but you deserve to have help with this. You are in my thoughts. Safe hugs to you.

No means NO - regardless of if it is a shout or a whisper.

Thanks, everyone.....((( HUGS )))

I am feeling so bad right now. I did email T in the wee hours this morning when I got home and I just got a response from him. He said we will talk about how we can learn from this during my session tomorrow but reinforced how I am not to take responsibility for what happened.

But I am having a real problem with that. I KNEW it had a strong possibility of turning out poorly....yet I took that risk anyway....I understand that they were responsible for their actions...but when you choose to swim in a pool with sharks, doesn't your poor choice have some part to play when you get bit?

The sad thing is, there was another couple there that I asked to join us (in a hot tub) because I didn't want to be alone with those guys....and I said to the husband, please don't let them do anything to me.....Yet he was sitting RIGHT THERE with his wife as it all happened.....doing nothing as I was telling them to stop. I can't expect someone to rescue me. I know that. I needed to be strong enough to rescue myself. But it felt awful that there were voyeurs...Blech.

I guess I will have to talk to T about this tomorrow.....

I hear what you are saying. It takes as lot of drilling yourself in order to say and for them to hear the word NO. My therapist ran it through my brain so many times if they are doing something that you do not like say no. You are not obligated to anyone except you. Now that I finally got it I have a wonderful man in my life who would do anything he could to make me happy and you know what? I am telling myself finally I deserve it. I do not belong with the losers. God did not make me that way. So you keep up saying to yourself what you are saying and the strength will come.

T

(((mue))) I'm sorry this happened.

((((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))))

It is NOT your fault. It is not the same as swimming with sharks. Sharks are animals. Other people are not. Other people should know the difference between right and wrong. You saying 'no' should have stopped him right there. It doesn't matter how softly you said it. It is NOT your fault.

((((((MUE)))))) It is NOT your fault! I am so sorry it happened and hope you can tell t about it.....

Thank you. I'm still having trouble with it not being my fault. I knew it had great potential for what happened to occur. But I chose to take that risk...and then chose to not protect myself strongly and need to understand why I allowed myself to be put in that position - and how to better handle this in the future.

I am trying not to spiral out.....Thank goodness my session with T is tomorrow.

You are right about there always being consequences to our actions.....& it's important to make good choices to start with. When red flags are going of inside of us....it's best to listen (something that has taken me years to figure out). But what happened was NOT your fault......as you do not have the skills developed to help yourself in situations like this when you end up in them. Your T can help you develop those skills so that you will be able to function better in all situations you find yourself in.

I know that how you described yourself as watching yourself is how I feel when dealing with depersonalization (which came from going through a trauma). It sounds as though this may be something that you are experiencing yourself.....coming from the past situations you found yourself in when you were a child & helpless....unable to do anything. It's horrible when our mind puts us back in the same place where we were helpless in our past & ends up recreating the same feelings even though we know better at this time.

That is why it's important for you to work with your T on developing the skills & the ability to handle yourself when you find yourself in a situation that is bad.

Yes, best prevention is to Not get yourself into that situation in the first place.....but sometimes things happen even with out best plans & we have to have the strength to stand up for ourselves when it happens & learn the skills necessary for doing that.

Thanks again for all the responses.

I am doing ok today. Still feeling a bit swirly and am having terrible body aches. Not sure if it's related to stress or something else.

Although I still feel ICK about what happened, I notice that I am more cerebral today about it all - trying to get a handle on learning what I can from it without being impacted by it - yet I know that I have feelings about it that I am stuffing away....which I know T does not want me to do. It seems so automatic for me....stuff the feelings away, use my brain to rationalize and come up with some lesson....and then move on....but then the feelings haunt me later...again and again and again. Sometimes with feelings that I didn't even realize I had. *sigh*

Luckily, I see T today and hopefully can let down my armor and work through this a different way....My reservoir of hurt is full, and I can't add more to it....I need to somehow figure this one out and learn how to let it go....

I saw T today, and I posted an update on the Psychotherapy forum since that's where I usually post.....Still trying to process all of this...

MUE, talking about this in therapy will help you to process it and learn from it.

Do you think that you ignored the signs because you felt that you didn't deserve better treatment or that you wanted yourself to get punished?

Thanks, Sannah....My feelings are so buried right now that I'm not sure I can talk about it with T tomorrow....I may ask him for help with bringing it to the surface because I just don't want to push yet another thing down....

In retrospect, when I recognized the warning signs, I felt trapped somewhat...and was coerced into going into the hot tub....I felt like I couldn't say no....I was cowering to what they wanted....I felt so weak, powerless and frozen...

I'm so frustrated by that feeling...

NOT YOUR FAULT, NOT YOUR FAULT, NOT YOUR FAULT!

If it helps, I too had repeated traumas by different offenders. I am still trying to understand - it felt like I had a sign posted on my head. I think some of it was because I felt like I deserved to be treated like that, some of it was I had learned to ignore my internal warning signs that danger was near, and some of it was it was so easy to freeze and hide inside myself rather than put up a strong fight.

I'm learning that NONE of it was my fault - it's hard to make my heart believe it, but my head knows.

(((((( Mixed Emotions )))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so over whelmed!

Please know that thoughts can be as powerful as we can choose to
Make them imo ... so I'm just letting you know this because I'm sending you tons of Good positive Thoughts.... and please know that I'm thinking about you and to keep writing...! Later, ah new friend, that's cool

Peace....... Crew

Thanks so much for the support.

I find that lately, during the day, I am numb and just going about my business....and then at night is when all the swirly thoughts and feelings come to the surface. I am just so tired. I am tired of the past. I am tired of the present. I am afraid of the future. I am tired of the secrets and the fear. I am just....tired.

Gonna try to get some sleep tonight. I know I need it.....

Thanks again.....Your support means so much to me.

so - you are too afraid to really speak up? are you feeling "paralyzed" and helpless? or you are not sure what you want...i know that sometimes i was not sure and got into those bad luck situations....

This is good that you can recall that this was how you felt. This is how you are going to work through this.

Do you think that you could have been triggered at that time and this is why you couldn't protect yourself? You could have been triggered back to a very young age and then your reactions and thoughts were of a child?

I can really relate to what you are saying here over an incident that happened to me 2 weeks ago - thankfully it didn't go too far, but I the feeling of being unable to say no clearly, feeling weak, powerless and frozen. A bit of my inside was telling me it was unsafe, I should say no and go home, but I just couldn't.

I hope you found it useful to discuss with your T -