Looking at my life

I agree = Hugs to Mediator and you too can't stop

I totally agree Hugs to you mediator!!

I do not have children, it is painful, I am 46 the year and I suppose I will not have children now. I feel that it is not age to start brought up children.

My mother wanted me that I will not work and I will study. She thought that working is only manual work. I have two masters degrees (sorry I wrote about it before) and I never tried to do something properly. Yes I should be open to myself.[/quote]
It probably is painful to be 46 and not have children. You can probably adopt?? It's good that you have 2 masters degrees!! Good for you!! If you have a good job and make good money, possibly that will be a plus for you if you decide to adopt!!

that sort of reminds me of me....at age 10 I said to my friends "I think I am adopted" they said with a smile "no you look like a combination of both your parents" However, I did feel like an orphan, and one of my friend's mother even told my friend that I looked like an orphan

Hi DOwnbutnotout
I thank you for reading my autobiography and I thank you for your notices. The stories about orphanages are funny and painful. My brother thought that he was from an orphanage and I would like to move to an orphanage. You thought about that you are from an orphanage. I know people who are very good parents despite they adopt a child.

To adopt child is not a bad idea for me, I am living in share flat, I do work which I do not like and it is really not profitable,I am not sure how to change it, I am alone and I do not have family and friends.

You wrote about my brother and that they had to abused him, I agree, he grow up as abusive person and for me it is really better to be away of him. It is sad.

Take care
Mediator

Ok something as I did not know what to do, ok I will do meditation I will give it chance. It was my decision. And I really to do regularly. When I went to buddhist temple it was helpful that there is not what to do other when I was there. I was member of a forum that I thought ok I will find friends, we will have something in common. But I think I was not successful with making friends. But good was that I knew about people who could go to 10 days meditation Vipassana course. The course is with strict times to meditation and with not enough time to sleep. There is silent for 10 dayes without any communication between students, no contact by eyes, ...
I was ok but I started be scared before departure, that it is really difficult to be only with myself for 10 dayes, but I wanted to do. I talked with different people about it and after all I went there.
I came there I was not sure that I will stay there it was really basic accommodation,about 18 women lived in house without doors no cupboards, just rooms. I lived with a girl from France and an Indian woman. I tried to do meditation but I have to confirm that mornings I slept because I had jag lack. I survived and even I heard Goenkas chatting. I really hate everybody who try to give to meditation a talk about compassion and other staff. Mindfulness should be always to let people to be in present and to accept what comes and let it go.

Hello again Mediator. IMHO, in order to be a good parent, one should have a good support network, ie friends, family, husband (or close boyfriend) AND also a good job that pays pretty well and that you like. It IS very difficult to be a parent. Oftentimes, babies put up for adoption are abused - and that makes a difference. I know of a couple who adopted a child from South America, because they thought they couldn't have children of their own, this boy was HEALTHY and CUTE, well behaved as a child, but starting in teenage years, they have had difficulties, they think it is because possibly he was abused before they got him. They are the NICEST and MOST RESPONSIBLE people, in love with each other and have friends, a good job, all the things you need. They had a child naturally about 3 years after they adopted and have no problems with their natural child. Anyway....it is difficult to be a parent, one should have support. I wish you peace with your life Mediator.

not today
tomorrow

I was in India, short time after my meditation. I visit a house for old people to serve food on 1 January. I think after meditation I was really very in touch with my self and it made a huge influence at me. The people who were waited for help others and in poor house. I met a family who went there to serve food. We waited for a boat through river and I asked them to go there together. The serving food was nice to do something but I was scared sometimes when we went through house where were people who were mentally ill. It was horrible. There are religion sister who look after the old people. But it is India, there are just bed in rooms nothing other. I liked the family of Indian people, the old gradma did not like me. (I was in shorts which had be for her not nice dress) the youngest 2 girl of teenagers were happy to chatting and helpful to me how to serve food.

I do not know if you know the feeling to forget yourself and to be for others. I know the feeling it is nice feeling but I know that it is sometimes for going out my problems. I am not sure if it is good for me.
When I was back in the Uk I always try to send them a post card sometimes money, sometimes advice to meditation. Special a remember a young man who held his hand in his hands. Maybe something what seems for me as a real hell. He was depressed and in very poor house for old people waiting to day.

after I came from India I had more holiday and I did same meditation course in India it was with a little different attitude to students and I also I visited a Buddhist zen abbey.
To be honest I am against religions but meditation is something what is good to do and it is a part of every religion. Mindfulness meditation has origin in Buddhism. It is not something mystic, it is something what is for me necessary to live.
I was happy that if I do meditation after I can find friends who does same, something have similar. But I was a member of a meditation forum and it was not good after all.

I realized that I am scared how people will react at my post, sometimes there were really with aggressive attitude. I tried to be friendly and sometimes I felt that they helped me sometimes I felt they needed somebody to give them their advices and to show how they are clever. There were not usually hugs. And I was upset about behaviour of an administrator to me. I always thanked to him for his advise but it was sometimes just that I did not want to be impolite. There was possibility shoutbox and once he told me hi and I did not know how to react, it was difficult because he was an administrator and I felt that he likes me but I did not like him.

I did a diploma at open college and I had reply a question which I did not know replies sometimes. I asked at forum if somebody knows reply of a question and an administrator always tried to explain that I have to find a reply by looking inside by myself and I was really upset about it. I asked friends and he always behaved as a teacher. Even I told him before that I feel as his student and he really did not understand it. He did not have to know reply and nothing to tell me or help where I can find a reply but know he was always making notice that I have to find it inside. So I explained him that his replies hurt me. His reply were that I should let somebody to hurt me and that he tried always the best help. I told him he was not somebody for me, he was an administrator of forum and that I want that he does his job as administrator but I wish he will not reply in my thread. He wrote long post that I could talk about problems on a board but he will reply to my post. After I replied to him by way that I can not believe it, I think I had to kick him at very sensitive place. He wrote that I was angry, I replied that thank you for his concern that I was ok and it was finished that I apologized for my rude post and I tried to explain again very politely but he was really very rude, there was another member who ask me if I live alone and if I am surrounded by friends. I had really enough the forum and I finish my membership. I wanted it and what was really as psychological torture that administrator asked that it was not what I want to do it to cut myself from friends. It was really time that I was not sure that he will not cancel my membership and he will make a pressure to stay there. But my membership was cancelled, some guys send me messages that wish me luck and one man again with a rude notice.

not today

It is hard for me to write more what is about these days, it it more touching to present.

I have to be open to myself something what was between me and the administrator was touched me and I suppose he was hurt that I gone. He gave a song at the website that love finish when just began. I am not sure if it something as a therapist touches the hearts of his patients. He liked me and wanted me to be strong. And I do not nobody other who touch my feeling as he did it. And I know that I kick him very hard, I did not write before it but wrote him publicly if he could not give up to reply in my thread I ask him to masturbate for health of community and that he should discuss it with his doctor or on the board by skype or private message.

I am out of the forum and he has another discussion with a member who was not a best member. I asked the another member of forum send him my private e-mail he did it but after he wrote that I asked him to do it. The administrator even wrote about me again despite I was not a member of forum that I was stupid to go out from the forum and emotional unstable because I sent him e-mails despite he wrote me that he will not reply to me. The truth is that I wrote him just bye and I wrote it in two e-mails. First I wrote that we both have truth that I need to learn do not hurt myself by others and that I do not want to be a member of the forum. It was something as tell good somebody who helped me but to grow I have to go. Second e-mail was that I offer if he needs that I am here. It is because he was not healthy and even he wrote about it the forum and I was scared that he will die and he will not have somebody to be with him if he needs. I thought that he could die as my ex-husband alone.

I was upset when I read it and sent a letter the other moderator about my e-mails and that I want to public my e-mail to make clear it and I apologized to send the e-mails that I would not do it if I knew that it was so annoying. Moderator reply to me after two dayes that I can public by myself to be a member of forum is free and that the thread with post about me were deleted. I thanked to moderator after he asked me how I was? And I replied to him that I will happy if I will not read about myself as an emotional person who is stupid. After I asked him how he was? And he replied that he does not want to receive more e-mails from me. I never send him more e-mails.

There was one person who was attacked by the administrator after and the administrator wrote about him that he has a psychiatric illness (he wrote exactly name) and nobody could help me from members of forum. After he wrote that he is going to retreat. It was for me shocked to read it that he was able to wrote it. The member could sue him.

not today

The relationship with the administrator is really complicated. He saw me before as somebody with high moral profile what is what he is attached. For me it somebody who try to show people reality, it is one of his characteristic. I hate that he corrected my picture of my photo of a tree. Somebody told that he liked my picture and he was after arguing that he studied photography, really something good for him and notice about it really very annoying, he was boasting about it. I hate about him more things. Sometimes I made a joke from him and he did not recognize it. He told that he knows how was taught to do meditation and he argued about it. I asked very really really possible to read how it was 2 500 years ago and he replied what I should read it. His argues were about bombast with arguments I studied it or something similar. He gave a lot of talks about moral behaviour, he criticized my post that it was 100% wrong speech if I wrote him that he should masturbate . I apologize after for my 100% wrong speech and I did not mean it seriously.
There is other staff which maybe my problem which was touch in my last thread. I really did not have somebody who was strong and loving in my life.

I think the strong and loving should be parents but my parents were not. I read a book of Ray Owen Facing the Storm, the author has same influence to me, somebody who show the painful true and with love and with understanding and strength. It is about that I feel that I need to hold somebody with the quality.

Maybe my writing is going to end I have to be aware that I can not be a member of the forum (it is not the Psych Central) because I will not able to be with the administrator there. I know that I am holding him for his qualities which he has. And I have to learn to live with the mix.

Sounds like that administrator is someone to avoid.

but here are administrators who does what is their job.

yes maybe I should thank you for this website before I start pack my staff.

it is going that I want to teach meditation to help people to go their lives. I want to have peace of my mind and I want to go to meditate for one or more year somewhere.
I do not like religions which tell people forget your desires not I want to help people see their life how it is to be able to face it up.

My situation is now I am 46, I live in sharing flat in the UK and I work as an accountant administrator. I am not a good accountant administrator, i am not good for sharing flat and I am not ok with the truth that I will dye one day which will be not after other 46 years but early. I have an addiction on food, I bite my nails and I am lazy. I know that life is hard work so maybe I will finish the thread really and start something what is as a journal.

Good I will check where it is at the website and I will leave a link.

http://mindfulnessmindfulnessmindfulness.wordpress.com/

Mediator, I hope you are going to keep coming to PC. You don't have to leave just because your journal is done, you can create a new journal, one that talks about how you are starting new, maybe talk about what you have learned and you might change things that might make your life better.

I guess we have gotten attached to you, now that we have read your journal of struggles. I hope you are not thinking that PC is over for you now. You now have friends here that care.

Open Eyes

Hi Open Eyes
I am here sometimes to chat in room and of course to read messages
But now I feel I need to go for short time to learn to do what I want to do.
I will go to meditation for one year as to help me. It is more clear for me. Here are people who do a self injury, I do not do it but I know that I do things which I do not want to do it. I just drink coffe with milk and I know that milk is not ok for me now and despite I did not want it yesterday I made a latte for myself. My laptop is dirty of food. You are a mother you knew that it is as a childish behaviour. But I am 46
Take care
Mediator

I am here again. I am not going a head with website outside of the forum.
I will try my journal here.