Looking at my life

But the result is that i am not proud about myself something like that I do not know direction.
I am not happy about a lot things. When I finished my relationship with Kashmir I started to meet somebody who seems for me to help earn money. The person who is really focus to earn money. I will give him name Money. I wanted to be a person to be focus on money. It was attracted something very focused. I felt that i am not able to go ahead to earn money. I wanted to be a person who is really focused to earn money.

((((((((Mediator))))))))
Your welcome, keep trying.
Open Eyes

But to be honest something unhealthy it was not that I need to have a roof or something but to be focus to money what I saw at people which I met in my life.
I wanted to have my business. Money was a person who wanted always a provision. He had private investors and always look for a good property in area where he lived. We met eatch other at internet and we find that we live near of each other. I visited him and he visited me, he told me that he could not live as I live in rented room with a landlord. And to be honest I fed up it. It could be better to rented together with somebody a flat. Because seems that it is more convenient to do not look after a lot things as gas payment and other staff but it make me feel bad to be dependant
But back to Money. I admire him but it was always that I miss something what had Kashmir. It is really funny always about that I looked at somebody as a god.And not that I would like to learn from everybody something. That we can learn from everybody is an idea of Kashmir, and if I need to teach something from him, it is keep the idea that I learn something from everybody. But to care about to financially independent I should learn from Money. We did not have sex with Money. I asked him if he could help me to have a business. He wanted that I will sell some bonds and I was happy but I did not know how. And I did not believe that it is good for people to buy the bonds and I did not sell anything. I was introduced to his friend a business developer and it finished that the bonds really was not paid and only 70% was give back. There was something other about Money what was that he took a money from me and after he return it. Because he had once a problem that he had stolen his passport. It finished that he moved and he still should pay to me £300 but I am just writing to him. Maybe he will not give me back and I do not want to still think that I need him so will let him my 300. Other things he was upset that I do not know who to sell money, he shout at me that everybody could be and that he put a lot of money in the project. What is most painful that he told me that i am weak. I hated him for it but I thought that it is true because I do not have friends. But it is that I need to do by myself and I need to hold on people who likes. I had another love in at the same time somebody not very clever but he always was happy to see me. I was upset about him that he does not want to improve himself. But the truth what I should do to improve myself and hold on his love. I will give him mane Peter. I met Peter at swimming, We talk together I he had give me kiss. I did not react, I was upset that he kissed me but I did not fight for myself again. I am crying why I do not let people do it things to me I do not do against to tell him **** off or something like this. It is painful for me. No I really do not want it. I want to change my self.
Enough today,

New day, new writing, I feel that I am at right place at right time and I got friends. I do not use any med, I do not go to T or any therapy. But I did something better I came to place where I can have friends because I can be helpful for them and they can be helpful for me. It is about good relationships what is a change in my life.

Yesterday post was a little mess up by two people, I will try to keep it clear

Money made me that I thought about my colleagues at work as a stupid people and of course it is about me that I needed it to grow my false self esteem. There were for me people who does not have their business, who do not create something what produce a cash flow. When there was a problem at work i thought there were just a office rats and I did not care more about the problem. Money was somebody who knew how to earn money and how to talk with people to earn money. Something what made him in my eyes I want to share my life with the person and it was very painful that I saw him with somebody other. He lied to me that it was an assistant of his colleague. But I knew that it is not true and I felt that I was not good that he wanted me.

Money lived not far from me but I felt that he is a person who is not a genuine person. We talked at a river and it was for long time. He looked at he wrist watch and it was clear that he recognized how much hour it is and told me that it was cold that we should go. I hate it, you could tell me that he has to do something but he lied that we had to go because of weather.
Other story which I remember with him. That I had a problem with my stomach. To be honest I recognized that I did not have to tell it somebody who feel sorry for it. But i called him and we chatted regarding the better insurance. He gave me an advices that I should tell that I will go to doctor regarding my problems, just open an insurance. But after the treatment will be ok, and he mentioned that could be cancer without any sorrow. Something was made me frost. He talked about possibility that if I had a cancer by same tone of a speech as about shopping for weekend. No compassion nor understanding.
No Money moved to other place and we did not talk more, he travels a lot around the world. I send him e-mail about £300 but I think I do not have chance to got them if he will not reply.

Mediator, it doesn't sound like you chose Money because he was a caring person so of course he was not a caring person. It sounds like you chose Money because he was clever and could take advantage of situations. You get what you seek.

Sannah
you hurt me as a T but it seems that you want to help me. Will you be able to bear my anger to you?

tomorrow more writing

Tell me how I hurt you Mediator.

because you wrote I choose money because he was clever of take an advantage of situation.

Why did you chose him?

I suppose the real problem I do something from my relationship which is not true. I choosed always to be satisfied with something. He could be my good business advisor but I made from our relantionship something other than it was.

Anyway he helped by advising to go to India and look about prices of properties and other staff. Even I looked for offers of a business to bring to the UK and look for investor. I did an exam for a financial advisor. But to be honest something I was always something missing. I did not finish my exams and it was first time in my life that I did not finish my school. I really it is not point to do I do not want to do it and I will not look after finance of somebody. It was for me something what always mess up.

But you didn't chose him because he was nice?

Sannah the are not nice and not nice people, they are good or bad relationship.
I am an expert to a bad relationship.

Well said. Besides, a relationship depends on the dymanic between two people.

Astridental "Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."

If you chose the wrong people though you are giving yourself more trouble. I guess this was my whole point.

My point is there are not wrong people and non wrong people. There are bad and good relationships.

There was another man after that I thought that I need somebody who will love me and I started to talk with Peter. Peter was really not ok, he was not rude or unpolite, but he really was not with high IQ, he had seeing problem, walking problem. But it was because he had an accident at his bike. He was in coma and after in age 20ish he start to learn to speak and read and another staff. I thought that it will help me to build up my self. But I think it is not the best way because I was upset about him that he is too much satisfied with himself. I felt he do not push me to be better. So it finished, once I had a healthy problems and I try to call him. But he lost his mobile so I could not talk with him. Even I tried to come where he worked and he changed work. So I realized that he is not really who I love.
There was another reason. When I started to talk with Money, I felt that I do not want to have a type of friend as well. something that I was not selfconfident to have him as friend. I remember that people look at me how I can have something with him. I waited for him in a pub and after I waved to him. people look at me as they could not believe it.

The problems healthy problem started when I was alone, no friend, my landlord gone, I was alone in flat.
Tomorrow

I guess we will have to agree to disagree then.

But one more comment about this, I could chose an abusive man to be with or a selfish man or a man who makes very bad decisions. Don't you think that this would affect the relationship and therefore affect my life quite a bit?

If I chose a nice man who thinks about others and who is good at making decisions, don't you think this would affect the relationship and make my life much better?

I have a policy where I don't allow hurtful and dysfunctional people into my life and this has served me very well.

This is probably going to make you upset but the point is to help you.

It appears that you chose these men based on what is in it for yourself? If so, maybe this is why you are still unfulfilled?

No I am not upset I look for somebody who is in it for myself and for who I am in it for himself.

My exhusband thought about others, he was good at making decisions. He looked after others and he did not time for me, he decided to go divorce. In the end of his life he thought he should not have a girlfriend.

Sorry Sannah, but anyway I thank you for reading my stories, not a lot of people did it.