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#1
Jun 30, 2011, 10:17 PM
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I had T today and we were talking about trauma. I experienced a lot of trauma growing up, and I dissociated a lot of it. I have huge gaps in my memory from my childhood. But my T and I both think that something else happenned to me and that I was SA'd as a child. I have all the textbook symptoms, and she says my PTSD symptoms are too severe for just the stuff we've talked about.
Plus I have a problem with sex. I can't even think about heterosexual sex (I'm female) without becoming violent. The last time I attempted intimacy with a guy was 20+ years ago in university. I was with a guy who I was on the debating team with and we were making out. We'd both been drinking. He started to go a little far and I completely freaked out. I had a completely instinctual rage reaction, and I nearly killed the poor guy. Needless to say, I've been too terrified to attempt intimacy ever since then, so I've completely avoided relationships. The thing is I'm deeply lonely and I'd like to be in a relationship, but how do I tell a guy that I can't be intimate, and that sex is risking triggering an out of control response from me. And how am I supposed to heal from something that I don't even remember or know if it happenned, just suspect strongly. --splitimage
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 "I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn. "If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba 
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#2
Jun 30, 2011, 10:48 PM
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I'm interested to hear others responses too...I'm in the same situation.
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#3
Jul 01, 2011, 02:11 AM
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thats how it started for me....suspecting but, not really remembering.. over about a year, the thoughts kinda made more sense but, they never completley reached conclusions in therapy because I was sooo soo young when I had the experience.
Its hard to really respond to this, as that has been the toughest part about trying to describe something that triggers so much emotion and pain..and the whole time, the hardest part is not even REALLY remembering it all.. I had to come/move into a patient time of trying to ACCEPT that I'm not going to remember everything and see/evaluate how I can cope in my every day life. I've had to really focus on acceptance, more than understanding... cus' honestly, I'm never going to FULLY understand what happened in the past. focusing all my energy on understanding would drive me mad... therefore, I had to direct that energy elsewhere --- acceptance. And how are you suppose to heal when you don't remember? Well, yes, FIRST- it begins with searching, with showing up to therapy and doing the hard work it takes to be real with your therapist... showing up and sharing bit by bit, piece by piece... healing is this slow process usually, that takes time. but, you can heal, despite not understanding every part/detail. after you've done that hard work, hopefully you will then be able to move forward and allow yourself to put all your energy in accepting that you've done everything you could do to heal... life is a lot like a book and some chapters just won't get read all the way through; you'll be forced to skip ahead. This doesn't mean that the book isn't a beautiful read/ or interesting/life-changing/captivating... it still is and will be but, some people have to skip certain sections in order to give themselves the chance to seize future opportunities to be happy. - peace and luv to you.  Jazz.
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---  A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson) 
Last edited by jazzy123456; Jul 01, 2011 at 02:25 AM. |
 phoenix7
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#4
Jul 01, 2011, 12:04 PM
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Are you in touch with your feelings today and do you live in the moment? I'm asking because if you are not start here and then maybe you can move backwards.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#5
Jul 01, 2011, 03:45 PM
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Quote:
maybe I am annoying with propagation of meditation but I think to do meditation is good to be able to be in touch with our feeling. |
| phoenix7, Sannah
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#6
Jul 02, 2011, 12:12 PM
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i have a few memories - some came back through therapy and body memories that pieced themselves together over painful months and even years - but i know ...feel that many are locked to me and i wont get them back - i reach for them and they disapear like smoke
you try to get help for the problems you are experiencing is how i would deal wiht it find out exactly what point you are triggered and work on accepting that part i used to hate to be touched - even if someone accidently brushed past - or lai their hand on me in a friendly gesture - i couldnt sit next to someone if any part of them made contact wiht me - i have worked onthat and now i can even acept hugs form my neices and nephews without screaming inside i wihs you well my friend 
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!  (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
Jul 03, 2011, 08:52 AM
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Do not accept hugs from anybody if it is not comfortable for you. Special if you suspect something what you do not remember.
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| phoenix7
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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