Probation--ABUSE TRIGGER

*************TRIGGERING POST - SEXUAL ABUSE CONTENT***************



I know the title of this post doesn't sound like it applies but it really does, as you'll see by the end of this post.

I've been on probation since 2000. I hate every moment of it, the not being able to drink, not really being able to go out to meet people and enjoy myself as every adult has the right to do. I have to resort to meeting people in a mental health setting, which has many disadvantages.

Me being on probation isn't even my fault. I am not trying to get out of my responsibility for breaking the law, either. You see, back in May of 2000 my boyfriend at the time took me to his family's camp for Memorial Day weekend. His family was there and we camped out, went four-wheeling, had a picnic, sat by the campfire together just talking and having fun. Sounds like a great time, right? Well, it was...until the next morning. Me and my boyfriend were fooling around in the tent and his little cousin came in. I urged him to stop, he didn't. I tried to push him off of me...it didn't work. This was all as his little cousin lay next to me. His next course of action shocked and terrified me. He urged me to touch her. I said no! He then put his legs over top of my body, grabbed my wrist, and forced my hand on this little girl. No matter how hard I fought to get away, no matter how much I pleaded with him to stop, he would not give up the power he had over me. He also had her rub my breasts. I was cringing and trying to get away so badly. I kicked him in the balls, that did not do anything. I was so weak compared to his strength.

After it was all over, we lay there, he was holding me tightly. He started saying nobody would find out. He said she's not gonna tell, I'm not gonna tell, who's gonna tell? You better believe I went straight to the authorities! I was accused of being the perpetrator, but others knew differently.

Unfortunately, I was also charged, but only with corruption of minors. He went to jail. I'll be getting off probation this July 8th. I really can't wait for that day to come. I've felt like such a monster because of all of this. In my heart I feel that I should've been able to save this innocent child.

I have lived with so much guilt and shame throughout all of this. I developed severe PTSD and DID just from this one incident! That's how severely traumatizing it has been for me. I feel like I've been punished because I did not have the power to stop it. How could a 21 year old overpower a 31 year old man? I really don't know.

People ask me why I'm on probation and it kills me to tell them why. I don't want people to know this part of my past. I wish I had never even met this guy!

You know what makes me so angry about all of this? Afterwards, I had asked him why he did it and his reply was just he thought that it would get me hotter...his exact words! Can you believe this? Men!

OMG Lexicon - I am so, so sorry. I don't have anything useful to say, other than that I am sorry for what you and she had to go through.

LMo
(ps - please tell me that this isn't the same boyfriend!?)

He assaulted BOTH of you. Period end. I can't believe the system turned on you after you turned to them. There is jsut so much left to be done around educating the beaurocracy....
(How do you spell that?) I found domestic violence community orgs have group and individual coucelors that are free. They are so on top of this crappola.... you might could find the kind of sprecific support you need.
Of course, we're here for you too..... LOL you are a good person. ))) ))))Lexy(((( ((((

No, I'm no longer with this monster...I just hate it how terribly deceitful some people can be...they promise not to do it and then go out and do it! That's what he did to me!

The worst thing is reliving this thing everytime I close my eyes and everytime I look at a child or hear a child I see HER. I wonder when this will ever end.

It's terrible when one day you love children so much and can't wait to have one and the next day you can't stand to be around them and can't stand to hear them because of something some sick jerk did to you. I still love kids but I cannot be around them anymore. It just breaks my heart too because I still love them terribly. I know I could never have any children now.