[cr20]

I am brand new to this forum and frankly, new to discussing the abuse in my family. Today my mom admitted that my dad has been physically abusing her sporadically through their marriage. She never thought it was enough to complain about-- a shove, a slap, or severe grabbing, but she recently hurt her foot very badly and he, in a fit of rage, hit it.

I was the recipient of my dad's verbal rage all through childhood, but since going away to school, getting married, and moving away, I have not had to deal with it. It was terrible at the time though: although he never did more than scream and grab me, there is nothing that can describe the look in his eyes that scared me to death and made me fear authority and mistrust men for many years.

It wasn't until this past week when I went home for Christmas and I saw him verbally rage at my 5 year old niece, that I started to confront it again. In her I saw and remembered everything that I had gone through as a kid. It was the most painful thing to watch her self-esteem crumble and worse yet, to see her try so hard to win back his affections.

I have to tell my sister (my mom doesn't want to talk to her because she thinks she won't believe her) and I don't even know what to say. My sister was never verbally abused by my dad, so she thinks that my mom is the problem. She seem oblivious to the fact that her daughter is now being verbally abused by my dad and I find it impossible to sit by and say nothing.

I confronted my father on his outburst torward my neice and he just blew it off. He thinks that if he says he's sorry it's all over. He doesn't seem to care how hurt we all are. It's tough because I love him and have a lot of good memories of him, too, and I'm not sure how to process all of this or even what to think of him anmore. Part of me loves him and part of me hates him.

I feel like I'm rambling. I'm not even sure how I feel or what to do. I'm still in that very reactive stage where I can't believe I didn't know that my dad had continued to do this and I don't know how to stop it. My mom made an appointment to talk to a counselor next week and has invited him to go along.

What are some of the first steps you took to get help for yourself and your family?

How do I talk to my sister about how I see my dad verbally abusing her children when she doesn't seem aware or bothered by it?

What can I do to help my mom?

Should I talk to my dad and tell him what I'm feeling? Should I ignore him?

Thank you so much for letting me vent and for your opinions. I'm going to check out a counselor for myself.

[Lexicon78]

The first thing I would suggest doing is getting a counselor. Very good first step.

As for the sister, tell her the facts. Tell her exactly what was said and how terrified her daughter is by it. Make your sister aware of it.

To help your mom out, reassure her that you love her and will support her each step of the way. You could maybe even go to some of her counseling sessions with her, if they'd allow it, just for support.

Definitely tell your dad how you're feeling, what his behavior has done to you, and how totally scarred you are. Don't ignore him. That may make things worse. I know it would for me, anyways. Be on guard when you talk to him, though. Just say the facts, don't use blaming or namecalling or anything like that. If he resorts to namecalling or saying abusive things when you confront him DO NOT react to it. I know that's easier said than done, but this is very important. If he starts the abusive bit, don't feed into it. Ignore the attacks, but don't ignore him. He may try to get you off topic but keep refocusing back to the original topic.

Good luck. I hope this helps some.

[JustBen]

It takes guts to take this first step, cr20. Thanks for posting.

[desirae]

I think you've already made the first step by taking this dirt under the rug, and making it a known problem. Your awareness is power.

I agree that seeking counseling is a very good idea. dealing with verbal and somewhat physical abuse through your life doesn't heal the emotional scars, even when you're an adult and living on your own.

Maybe sis is in denial, and she hasn't accepted the reality of the situation. I know from personal experience that, that can happen. I agree that you should make her aware, and try to make her accept the reality of the situation. Her children's future emotional and mental health depend on it.

I envy your strength for posting the truth about your situation, not alot of people can do this. I believe you will do the right thing whether you recieve the advice you need or not.

I hope it works out for you, keep us posted.
Desirae

[hillbunnyb]

You could check the phone book for battered women's services and get some brochures that explain what the different kinds of abuse are and give quizes to evaluate your own situation and stuff. Sometimes it's easier to accept such yukky information from a piece of paper. Most people have an aversion to getting down with the fact that someone they love really is abusing them......... denial ain't just a river in egypt....... good luck bringing it up.

[CJR520]

We have exactly the same thing in our family, and have found out that it is a genetic problem. The one thing that I now know, is that the person who is not abusive in the beginning ( the spouse of original abuser), sometimes becomes abusive to others to protect themselves. Also, they are enablers when they stay with these abusers and just stand around and watch the abuse. That was my Mom. She would get upset and cry and found a job and left us kids deal with it the best we could. It has caused a real mess. And now my Mom is basically alone with Dad again, and they are the most miserable fighting older people you can imagine!! Visiting them is entering the war zone. Sound familiar?