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#1
Sep 18, 2011, 09:41 AM
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I started going to therapy for anger and feeling out of control with my emotions that were just below the surface waiting to explode. Yet I was so shut down and living life on autopilot. I thought I would just learn appropriate ways to deal with emotions and be done in 3 months. Its been almost 9 months now and I've learned so much about why I felt angry and why I shut down. I like facts but despise feelings...don't know what to do with them...
I've always known that I grew up in a "dysfunctional" family... I've always thought that my sister was physically abused....but i never felt that I had any right to complain because as far as I can remember (I have no memory prior to age 11 while at home....I remember being at school all my teachers names, etc...but I don't remember who combed my hair in the morning or who put me on bus or what I did after school or if we ate dinner or breakfast or the weekends or any toys or dolls or anything) my sister was the only one who got beat.. Now my T. wants me to start talking about my feelings surrounding my family.... and it is so hard... first I don't think I should be having such a hard time cause what I suffered(that I can remember from age 11 and up) wasn't as bad as my sister... its feels nearly impossible to start down this path... when I think about how it makes me feel... I cry and get this panic pain feeling but when I try to talk about it at therapy...it comes out all facts and no feelings.... Its so scary...I've kept this stuff locked down for so long and I've been able to function (not healthy but livable) for years now...what if I go down this path (and like someone on another group said) and I turn into Humpty Dumpty and I break into a zillion pieces and I can't put myself together again... |
 Bill3, BrokenNBeautiful
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#2
Sep 18, 2011, 09:51 AM
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Hi,
I can relate to what you describe. My experiences were also "not that bad" I felt and still feel. However, it's not how "bad" something seems that matters, but the effect it had on you. I can tell from the fact that you have no memories from home prior to age 11 that you probably did have some experiences that were too stressful to remember. Doesn't have to mean they were "objectively"horrible, but they were bad enough to you. I also didn't have major abuse as far as I remember (have no memories from home prior to age 9 or 10), but I do have the symptoms of PTSD and DID. This means that something happened that was bad enough for me to not be able to cope with normally. Same for you with your inability to handle feelings (and possibly dissociation, which is what your memory problems suggest to me). You don't need to feel bad about this. It's the way it is for you and the important thing is you learn to handle it. As for being in therapy much longer than you expected and for different reasons, I too went into therapy with anger issues and now am dealing with trauma-related stuff. It is nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. I want to wish you strength in your therapeutic process. Sending healing thoughts.
__________________
"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." - Tori Amos Current DX (December 2019): autism spectrum disorder, unspecified personality disorder Current RX (December 2019): Abilify 30mg, Celexa 40mg, Ativan 1mg PRN |
| Bill3, Sannah
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#3
Sep 18, 2011, 09:47 PM
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You say what if you break into a million pieces, well my dear, this is the past, you have already been shattered. It doesn't have to be horrible abuse to you, as it could have been watching your sister being abused that broke you. But the reality is that you are already broken/shattered. Now is the time to put those pieces back together. Talking about it now, will not break you further. Now you can pick up those pieces look at them and put them back where they belong. It will be hard, it may feel impossible. But it can be done, and in the long run you will be a more healthy person for dealing with your past. At first talking about it without emotion is safest, eventually you will begin to allow that emotion back in. But you can do this. And it won't break you more, it only feels that way. It is terrifying, but the rewards are worth facing the fear. Blessings!
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| Bill3, Sannah
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#4
Sep 19, 2011, 09:19 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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