[Mediator]

Hi
I started my being here by my Hello (see copy below) and after I wrote about my health issues. But I think I need start in the thread regarding my childhood. I need to talk with people about my childhood and I need to talk about it with people who knows about I am talking. I do not have friends and I can not have friends if I talk always about holiday or something other without real intimacy. It is difficult for me. But I have to start, English is not my origin language and maybe it is more difficult for me.
I did not have a happy childhood and even I did not know it. I do meditation know and makes me open and I know that I have to talk with somebody about it. But even I do not how to start. I will continue tomorrow.
Maybe one story When I was 21 years and I was at home with my boyfriend, I was sick. He told me that I should tell it to my mother but I did not understand him dwhy I should tell her. I never had something as safety feeling to talk to my mother. I am crying. I think I am missing it what I should have in my childhood.
Really more tomorrow. Yes, I will write more.
Your forum friend
Mediator

My Hello:
Hi everybody
I am a newbie, who is looking for friends, I am 46, I am living in the UK and I think my life is little messy. How to start, I was at Mauritius 4 years ago and I felt alone and I tell myself I am at the best holiday and I will enjoy it, I did scuba diving and a lot of swimming. And after it starts a lot of changing of myself. The changes are gradual but generally I start to be with contact with myself. I do meditation now to sort all things. Sometimes I am missing my daily meditation sometimes I do a meditation to avoid to do something. I think it is enough to my first introduction.
Take care
Mediator

[Gr3tta]

Hello Mediator, and Welcome! I am sorry that you are feeling sad about your childhood. I think a lot of us would be able to understand you feeling that you missed out on really being a child. Thank you for sharing with us here. I hope you will continue to help us get to know you. We are confident you will find lots of friends among us.
Please take good care of yourself. ~Julia

[Can't Stop Crying]

Welcome to PC - sorry you are struggling with stuff from your childhood. This is a safe place where you will get a lot of support!

[Sannah]

I'm here to listen when you are ready.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm here to listen when you are ready.

Thanks for your "no rush".
Yes I have to use a brush
to clean mess out of me
to talk what is inside of me.

[Mediator]

Ok.lets go keep your hats and pants. ****ing life. I hope if you read it. it will be a little funny to you.
What I remember from my the earliest childhood was my brother.Ten years older brother, my authority. I was really able to jump from window if he tolled me to do it. I loved him and he tried to up bringing me. I was happy if he was proud at me. I wanted something to do something and mother did not want to allow me to do it. I do not remember what it was but I argued that if my brother wants it, I do it. She told me that it does not a matter what my brother wants. My mother easy ignores us. She is not able to think about anybody others feelings. It always hurts me. Last time about 4 years ago I was with my mum at home and we talk together but it was my replies of mothers questions. I told to my mother that it is as an interrogation and she replied "it does not a matter" and continued to ask.
Yes it still hurts me. I understand that inside of my mother is something what suppress her emotions but it is not helpful for me. Sometimes when I had "a boyfriend" I wanted to be a child in his belly.
Enough today. I should have always ready tissue near of my laptop.
Bye tomorrow.

[jwabf]

The mother-wound! Ah, I know it well. I have no memories of hugs or "I love you." But the worst...my mother never really looked me in the eyes and asked how I was doing. I don't think she wanted to know, because I think she suspected that I was being abused by someone she knew. But imagine, I am sure you can, no memories of my mother ever showing any real interest or concern about me...just me. Instead I had to help take care of her and my younger siblings. If she could have truly looked into my eyes, just once, and let me see love in her face. But I suppose she couldn't show what wasn't there and it was better not to show me that, maybe.

One painful memory...one that still causes me intense sadness...I was young six or seven, we were walking and I tried to take her hand. She squeezed my hand so hard my fingers felt like they would pop out of their sockets. I never tried again. Now, at 55, I have to "shake" my therapist's hand before I leave. It is the closest I can get to asking her if she will hold my hand. And I feel so pathetic. But the mother-wound is so very very deep.

But now you know that people here will understand. Good job with the english by the way, especially the poem.

[Mediator]

I wrote a new post, I finished as usually with a tissue and if I wanted to save it I had a notice that I am not allowed that I have to login. I was logged before but maybe it was cancelled during my writing. I wanted to copy what I wrote to save it and to post it later. But I was in quick reply and I click wrong baton not ctrl c but ctrl v and my today's writing is lost. There was not baton to go back. A new experience.

I am sorry. I promise tomorrow at 7pm of United Kingdom. I thank you jwabf for your post, yes I think I need people who understand me.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Still listening Mediator - let it out as you feel comfortable.

Computers are frustrating - aren't they, mine just kicked me off after a long post, of course it was all lost! On well!

[jwabf]

No need to apologize. As to computers...I have learned (but sometimes forget) ALWAYS create posts or comments in a WORD document first, and then copy and paste into the web page, comment box etc. I have lost so many comments it drives me nuts. But writing in WORD and saving it ... you can delete it later...then copying and pasting is foolproof...even me proof...unless the whole computer freezes.

[Mediator]

Thanks for advice regarding WORD. I am using it and I am ready with tissue. Mood is upset because I need to write memory of my life and I prefer to do something other.
Let’s go.

My previous post was regarding how I remember my brother. He was sometimes kind to me but he was bad sometimes. I remember that I locked my self in our flat and I did not want to unlock to my brother and mother. After I decide that Ok but my brother had to promise he do not hit me. But I opened door and he hit me, it was so painful not that he hit me but that he betrayed me. I think I feel it always in my life very painful if somebody who I trust somebody he deceives me. (I cry again but it is funny as well it is 40 years back)
I really liked him. He started earn money and he wanted to give me money. But I did not tell him thank you. He told me he will not give me money if I will not tell him thanks. Money does not a matter but it was not possible for me that I liked him so much and he pushed me to tell me thanks. It was surprising and I did not tell him thanks and he did not give me money. At the time I was able to do for him everything. He could ask me for anything. I remember we ate together bread with a smelly chease (check cousine speciality), my brother told me to eat it that a brave boys eat it and I ate as a brave boy.
One my father hit my brother because I told at home that he jumped from bridge to river (boys game) I was and I am sorry that I told it. I did not want that my brother will beaten by father. My father was a swine who thought that he can hit us and kill us because he gave us life. My father told me it that he gave me life so he could take it. And I thought about it in my childhood and I did not know if he was true. I am not sure if I feel a true now. I know that everybody has a right on life but it seems that I can feel it or I still believe him, I do not know.

Enough for today.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Still listening Mediator - let it out as you feel comfortable.

Computers are frustrating - aren't they, mine just kicked me off after a long post, of course it was all lost! On well!

thanks I should write something more funny but I do not remember funny things from my childhood or maybe I can not see funny side now.

[Mediator]

I feel that is very helpful to write my looking at my life. Yesterday I want to write something funny and I did not know anything but maybe next staff a little funny.

I still want to write about my brother; it seems that he was an important person when I had the most important first three years of my life. We can not remember the years but I thinks there are vey important how much problems we have to sort as adult.

My brother cares about me in his way. He was ten years older so he has his problems of his age. I remember that he told my parents that they should not buy to me bigger shoes if my feet are growing because after my feet will grow more and more. He had big feet and it seems that it was shame for him. To be honest sometimes if I buy shoes for myself I feel that they are too big for girl 165cm high (5’5).

My brother has a bad side regarding his temper. I remember he wrote something for me.
It was in my textbook and he had a nice handwriting. A pen was broken and it happened that he did a wrong line. He throw out the pen in the corner of room by crazy way. I was surprised by his behaving.

I really thank you for your reading, tomorrow again.

[Mediator]

HI everybody

It seems that if I try to be funny about my life nobody reply to it. It does not a matter I tried reply other posts but here is a lot new posts everyday that is not possible to reply to everything.


Yes I remember my brother mostly from my early childhood but he was gone from house at his 15 years and I stayed alone. He went to soldiers’ school and it is nothing nice if he has somebody only fifteen as going to learn to kill. I do not remember to miss him but I remember how was happy if came home sometimes. I remember that I write to him that I want to go from my after schools school early. (In my childhood school finish at 1am and after we were together to play in school) If parents wrote a letter child could go home early. I wanted that he will write it and I will go home early. I sent him the letter but I did not that it has to be done in letter box and I put in our home box. So he did not receive anything. I think my mother throw out it and she did not read it. Sometimes I feel pain that how can let me be at home with my parents. He wanted give up to be soldier when he could at 19 but my parents did not let him to sell his motorbike to pay for school.(we did not pay fees at school but it was army school and it means he has to be soldiers or he has to pay for studying). It is an human behavior to be push to be soldiers by parents. He wanted to leave parents, he was only 15. Even I remember irony that my mother very often tell people how my brother lived at home as pig in rye (it is a Czech proverb to live as pig in rye means to have very good life).

I think today I do not finish and it is not with a tissue, but angry regarding behavior of my parents. I will write tomorrow about parents. Now again crying.

[Sannah]

Or you can Control/S as you write and especially before you hit Submit then it will be saved and you can retrieve with Control/V.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Or you can Control/S as you write and especially before you hit Submit then it will be saved and you can retrieve with Control/V.

Thanks was your advise, I am just happy to write in WORD, not to be dependant on internet connection.after I will copy to my thread.

[Mediator]

Today I will not write, it is too late. I think I need to do a time table for me when I will start to write. Ok tomorrow at 6 o clock, yes.

[Mediator]

How I remember my parents. My father was very despotic at home. He was not strict to me that I have to do something but he did not manage his temper. My thoughts are going always to other things what I had feel later that he was attracted by my body. It is disgusting. He was ill. I do not know when I felt it first time in my life. Even I do not remember a day he touched my clitoris. I think it was about my 18, I was at home alone and he came from hospital. I laid in bed and laid together with me, I did not feel anything wrong. But I recognized that he started stimulate my clitoris, I was astonish. I did not understand it. I did not talk about it and went from bed and even I do not remember were I was the day, but I went back home same day. Maybe I did not have where I should go or what I should do. My father told me that I should tell him where I go and when I will come back and we did not talk about it all my life. As it did not happen. To be honest I still do not understand. He did not have a picture of us as children but he has a picture my sister-in-law. He did jokes ones that when my sister-in-law was at home, he came home later and he did not know which bed she slept and he almost go to bed to her. I am sick now to think about him.

Enough for today.

[Can't Stop Crying]

So sorry you experienced this - it was NOT your fault. You are doing a good job of getting these things out...it's tough at the time, but will help you in the long run. When parents violate us, like your father did, it does cause confusion. Especially when they deny it. Keep posting as you feel comfortable. Sending good wishes your way! I'm proud of you for letting go of some of these things!

*You don't have to say anything funny - just let out whatever YOU feel like you need to let out!*

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

So sorry you experienced this - it was NOT your fault. You are doing a good job of getting these things out...it's tough at the time, but will help you in the long run. When parents violate us, like your father did, it does cause confusion. Especially when they deny it. Keep posting as you feel comfortable. Sending good wishes your way! I'm proud of you for letting go of some of these things!

*You don't have to say anything funny - just let out whatever YOU feel like you need to let out!*

Thanks for your comment, I keep posting how as I can. And you really true about the funny things. Nobody should push yourself to be funny because what we need is love. And if we are not what we are nobody can love us.
I am sorry that you can't stop crying
It is possible only 12images in post and I am sending maximum of hugs to you.

[Mediator]

Yes I will try write regularly, I think I have lots to write.

My father was easy to lost his mind. I remember how I did not want to go sleep and I read in chair or something like this. He started to strangle me, he give up I think he was scared what he did, but it does not a matter I was always scared from him. I was scared if our handle of door clicked when my father came home. I remember that in winter he was only in his pants with a big spoon (for to hit me)outside to run for me to come home I did not hear me to call me from window and he was upset that I did not go home if he called. He was really a spitfire. Sometimes when he should come from work I wished that he will not come. He dyed when I left home to university. It was really after 5 month in January 1985. I am not sure what I felt, I was happy that my brother was there if I came home. My mother called to university that something happened to my father that I should come home. I went at home. I do not remember funeral, only that I had dirty my boots and I felt that is does not a matter.
My mother told me once that he was scared either from the door handle if it made a click when my father came home. I remember that my father was always unstable. Once we played chess and I did start play game very well that I could be a winner he starts to shake by himself. Other time he was scared when realized that he can not hear noice of wrist watch. He tried it one ear and other ear, and he shaked. If I read it I think I wanted hurt him, I wanted to be winner in chess, and I wanted to give him to try my wrist watch, which were very silent.

Again enough.

[Mediator]

Yesterday I did not write, but I have weekend in front so I will write more.

[Mediator]

I do not remember my mother in my early childhood. My mother went to work and I was with my brother and my father.

My father and my brother went to language school to learn English. I went there together and I was in class, I remember how teacher let them read English. I went to language school after for children but I started go as a watching child of an adult class. My father was proud about his knowledge of languages, German, English, I remember that he was proud that in Germany, he told us that a German thought is a German.
My father was at home usually sitting at his desk with a staff which was hobby small electronic equipment, he was radio-amateur, he was able to do radio, he made me a small electronic organ. It did not play good. I remember that I touched something at his table and I received a kick of electric current. (electric shock). He was usually with his hobby. He was also a fan of walking and cycling. I remember that he took me in chair at his bicycle. Once I had injury because I put my feet in wheel. It was not a safety chair. Once I lost my small dolly when he cycled with me. I remember one day which was a nice day, because we were to make barbecue morning before my school which was afternoon. It was nice day. I did not like to go school, children did not like me, I did not have friends. To have friends was not in my family. I played one at home with a neighbour and a small dog, my father came home and he was not happy. My parents did not care if I have friends. I remember even that my brother laugh that a classmate came if I will go to play with him. I felt embarrassed. My parents did not have friends. I do not remember visitors. I do not remember ability of love of any kind

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry Mediator...every child deserves to feel loved and accepted and have friends. You are doing a great job in getting these things out. Good for you!

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Sorry Mediator...every child deserves to feel loved and accepted and have friends. You are doing a great job in getting these things out. Good for you!

Thanks you for your comment. Yes it is helpful for to get these thins out.