Looking at my life

I think I was not a smiled child. I remember that I was sad and we heard classical music in school. I listened to music but two girls chatted and I could not hear the music. I was upset that teacher did not tell them to be quiet and I smacked the girls. Teacher was upset about me but I felt it as another punishment which I did deserve because girls were who should deserve punishment. I always felt that I do not have love and it hurt me.
Once I even cried in school, because I want that a teacher let me know tell reply but she always let other children reply. She took me out of class why I am crying and I told her it.
I do not remember what she told me. I feel that I have always the pain that somebody prefer somebody other than me.

I am not in mood to write but a small piece.
I did not have friends but once my classmate to came to us if I can go out with them. It was about 5 classmates with one of leader of group. I am not sure about but |I think my father was impressed by her brest. He was a pig. It was about my 14 and it was nice for me that clasmates remembered me. It is nice to have friends. I think I will look for friends. I do not have any friends.

I am not sure that I was depressed all my life. I had always something which I could not sort and what makes me scared.
It was for example that I promised to organize a trip for clasmates. But after all I did not know how to do and I was scared. It takes about 2 years of stress. from 16 till 18.
I was shamed to put my tissue after period to bin. We did not have a bin at toilet and only in kitchen. I hided dirty tissue under our bath tube and after I throw out to bin if nobody saw me.
Regarding my period. I remember how awful it was for me. I know it what is it. It was not problem that I got it for first time about my age of 13. But the worst that my mother talk about me. She was happy and as usually I felt that she did not care about my emotions. We sat in kitchen and she talks with me that I need to use towels.
I was stressed things, I went to language school and I did not learn so I did not know it. I was always shamed that I do not know what knows others.
I just scared that I can not survive by myself to earn money enough money.
I just scard that I had accident with water and it seems that the floor does not have a strict surface. It is a little scratching by door. My landlord live together with me.
He is very careful about his flat.
I am just scared that I have a health issues and I do not have a good doctor.
I am scared to drive a car.

I have really enough.
Ivana

Yes if I read what I wrote yesterday, I have to pick up myself. I have to back write about my life what helps me to leave baggages.
I think I wrote that I wanted to go to Veterinary school when I was 15. I had better exams than my classmate but I could not study there and she could. She had a protection and my parents were not in Communist party. I cried and my father shout at me that he does not know what I should do. There were free places at ingeneering school so I went there. I was not a student who is driven to have good marks but I did it. I did not have any sense of life. Something was interesting for me there something was boring. I like teachers from our practisse. They had weakness for girls and I was stupid.

Sorry I haven't been around much lately Mediator - you are doing a great job of expressing these things. I am proud of you. You are very brave!

Hi Stop Crying
thanks for your words. I am here to express these things.
Take care
Mediator

I could be that I am attracted by men more than I should be attracted or by wrong way. I remember that I was in love with my teacher of geography when I was 14. It seems crazy. But it is truth. I remember that I sang for my self a love song to him when I was in bathroom. It is ironie that we met each other at summer camp after I finish basic school (we had a basic school from 6 till 15years),he wanted have a sex with me but I did not want it. I was in love to somebody other who was at summer camp, married but I did not care. I loved him.
Yes it will be fun to start talk about me and my love to men. It could be more fun if I can give up to be in love with somebody who has nice smile, has charisma, has high IQ. I would like to have relationship.

My fifteen.The first time living without parents in summer camp. I felt as under drugs. I remember a good there and bad as well. There were children and there were leaders and helpers of leaders. I was the helper. I did not like children at the time, there were good children and annoying children. I met there my love, I was crazy about him, it is the best expression. I felt with him that he fulfil my every wish. He was 25 years older than me and married. He had charisma. He had a problems with his wife and he had sexist speech about how often has sex at home. He smoked and he drank alcohol. I think he was who was a reason I smoked. He told me that he thought that I smoked in my age and I started smoke.

( I have to laugh if I read it, I do not smoke and do not drink alcohol for 20 years and I can not imagine to know to have something with somebody who I know is married)

I like his smile he laughed very well, I was impressed that he was a manager in a company in my town. I was open to him that I love him and I move to his bed. He had an another girl which was same age as him but I did not care in summer camp.


We made arrangement that I can go to help him at work during summer, I helped him but it was not a hard work. Money I received for my work were enough to buy a purse to him. I remember how he made a jokes what I admired. He called somebody that he was in cinema and that it was a perfect movie. After phone call he laughed that he sent other people to a stupid film to cinema.

I love what he told me about communism. He was in communist party. He told me that communism could be if we live together only me and you. He did not want to tell me that he loves me. He told me that it was told many times in his life. But he told me that I can see that he suffers for me as for flatulence.

We had sex but I did not like sex with him. I remember that I was in his flat when my parents were somewhere and his wife somewhere. We had a bath together and we did not intercourse because I forget at home pills and I was scared that if it is not at time I could be pregnant. He did not believe me; he told me that girls tell it, because they do not want to have sex. I was upset that he can think that I pretend something.

I remember him very well and I will continue tomorrow. It is interesting how much I remember about him. How happy I was with him. I remember more than my parents. It was mess up with other guys as well during the time but I really feel how I was happy with him. He was even upset about me and I knew that it will be ok. It was in his work, I and one other his colleague hided his cigarettes, he looked for them and after went out with bump of door.

I will give him name Foot. Foot played football as professional but he give up and only taught children. He taught his son and I admired how he cared about his son but I was jealousy when I saw how he hugged his daughter.

I had his picture and I admire his body, he still was ok. But somethimes we talked why is he so old and why I am so young. He told me that I will be in my best age and he will finish life. He is dead 19 years. When I went to university our life went different way but I called him when my father died. We met. At university I met my ex husband, I loved still Foot but he was away I my exhusband was there. I told him about Foot and he was jealousy and upset and I was scared that we will split I felt alone. I did not work. I promisse that I will not meet again Foot. But I met him after long time when was ill and I was married. We talked together and we were pick up mushrooms. He was again divorced and again married.His daughter married and his son at home. I felt that a lot was change. It was after velvet revolution. He had go to other job and his privileges of communist party were gone. Anyway I wish I had more time with him. I loved him. I call him to work after four month and they told me that he is dead. I called his brother which I did not met before that I would like to talk to him about foot. I went to his brother work and I asked him how he dyed and I cried. He had a tumor and he wanted stay at home, he did not want to be in hospital. He had headache and start to write notices because he did not remember things.

Enough today.

It was regarding time of socialism I love Foot but I did not understand that his power is regarding that he was in communist party. I even remember that he was in army of communist party. When we met he had to go somewhere and he made that they were ready if something happened in Poland.
It is really that it is damage of values to be brought in the state with one party, no market and child is absorbing all.

I have to be honest. I was happy with him. I could talk with him very open. He was a person who I can tell everything. I told him even that I feel that I do not stay on my feet but on his feet. Difficult express but he told me that I will learn to stay on my feet.
When we met last time at my age 28 he told me that I was little unstable.
To be honest I am not sure how much he was for me father and how much a lover. Parents were who feed me and gave me a roof and he gave me love including he understood that I was not adult.
Maybe I was missing very much love of my parents. I remember a nice time that I was on my road to him, I felt so happy to going to him. Now I am sure that I did not love my exhusband, I did not have the feeling towards to him.

If somebody read my thread. What do you think about my relationship with Foot? It my last four posts?

Nobody made a comment but it does not a matter. I really thought about it. My parents really did not have any emotional intelligence. And after if I met somebody who had an emotional intelligence it was for me something amazing and he used it for him. He could be alcoholic, married and to have other girls but it was not important for me.

I will write tomorrow about other men of my life.

Other men in my life. It seems that I do not want to talk about them. I do not know if I project my father to others boy or I met boys who wanted to have sex only. Or maybe it is about men want to have sex as main purpose to be with me.

I am crying before I started to write. It is painful. I will kill the pigs. I was happy if somebody wanted to have sex with me as I thought they loved me but a thruth they wanted sex.

When I was 15 I wanted to have a boyfriend, I always admired somebody from our class but he was not my boyfriend. I started to talk with one my classmate and when we tell eatchother bye I kissed him. I am embarrassing now for it but after he start to go to me and we talk and hold eatchother. He told me that he thought about me if some boys gave him very hot patotoe in his hand when he slept. I do not know how the relantioship finished but I did not love him.

About seventeen yes it was raped from my boyfriend. I started to go to villages disco. I talked more with one guy. We kiss eatchother and very fast to put his penis inside of me. I do not remember if it was at home. He cam realy that he put penis there and back. I was suprissed about it. Bu I cried he told something that it is over by kind voice. Pig. I ferst in my life understand that I was raped by him.

Again enough today.I did not kick him I did not defend myself.

Sometimes I feel that I write and I suffer self pity. But I never before was able to touch my feeling.
The previous thread it was really a freak.

I should write about a my other men. I little mentioned about somebody who I met and he gave me advice which university I should choose. It is late and it was story about 6 years.16-22

((((((((((((mediator))))))))))))

not today writing,tired,I painted and now I need sleep

In the Czech Republic from 15 become members of Socialist Union of Youth which was something before member of communist paryty

I was a memember. To be honest I want to be there. My parents did not talk with me about it. My mother is not clever and my father did not care to talk about it with me. I want to be a communist, it was that I felt that have power and I did not understand word totalism, no possibility to vote different party, to have freedom which is always together with responsibility. And now I feel that is a soft spot of me. I was not brought that I need earn money. It is something other to do something without to think to earn money. I had usually somebody who gives money but I did not try to earn for myself. Because we need to earn money if we want to have a roof and food and maybe at nice place.

I wanted to talk about my married boyfriend and I talked about something other. But it has connection if I was brought up without think to earn money and to have self-confidence after all and I did not have a relationship with married man. He was interested about me and I was scared to tell him no. I was scared do not to have a good relationship with him because he was in communist party. After I wanted to have protection to go to school. I had a bad experience with my desire to go to veterinary school. I really do not want it again.

Sometimes I feel that I want to do charity but for me it is as going from my problem that I need to earn money first of all for me. It is as going from problems. I feel very nice to go to India and to do charity but I need to be first of all safety by myself. Maybe it seems selfish but how I can to help others if I can not look after me first of all.

Mediator, what a life story you have. And what a love story between you and Foot, such a sad ending. This is like a movie. We - I, anyway - know so little of what life was really like there, especially for women. I really liked where you said, you felt bad that Foot thought you would lie to him about the pills.
I am very glad I saw your story. I hope you write more.

Thanks Hankster for asking to write more. It is for me encouraging. I write for myself because I need it. I will write more I write about my age 15 and I am nearly 46. Maybe you will find some story boring because it is about my life.

Ok I give him name Member. I met Member when I was 15. I was choosen to go to some meeting at Town center of of Socialist Union of Youth. I do not remember about it was, we were there about 7 people and there was Member as person who made a meeting.
It was in Winter. I think he went to go with me to same way to my home. I do remember how it was but I remember that I had his number and I called him with anxiety that he was upset that I did not want something. I am not sure exactly if I did not alowed to kiss me, I was scared that he can do something to me. There was not more meetings. But we started to dated. I was amazed that I date him, somebody who is powerful. I did not care that I realized that he is married. I remember that we walked and drug me to some place to touch me. I am not sure if I like it. I was surprised by his behaviour. He started to come to me morning after parents were gone, he always jump to my bed and kiss me and tried to have sex with me. I did not want to have intercourse with him before my 18. Iwas surprised why he had a blood on his fingers, he told me that he does not know it. But he penetrated me by his fingers. I was not more virgin. It seems sad for me now.
I had something wrong with my behaviour, I felt as a good prostitute, I felt good. I dreamt to have a more the lovers. I read a book Rosemarie who was famous prostitute in Germany and I think I admired her. She had only very rich client and it was as something special to go to the prostitute. I remember that I asked my mother who is prostitute and she replied that prostitute means that she is not married and not unmarried. For me it was something what is good. My mother always wanted that I marry somebody who is rich. She always talk about somebody that she married a rich man. I think I still struggle with it that it is for me as temptation but I do not want to be a gold digger girl. In the age of 16 I really thought to have my list of lovers. It is interesting that Foot was confusing for me I loved him. With Member I was proud that I have something with him, who will be a big communist.

I will write tomorrow more about Member. Now I think how it was with Food that I know he had be proud that he has a girl 25 years younger but I know I loved him and I know if I met him before died I was disappointed that he was not a person enough for me to make me safety, he did not have a good job and he did not do a business, not enough money.

I am too tired to write but I am going to jogging.

Member was somebody who I told him that I will have first in my life sex. He was able to send me gynaecologist to have a protection spiral do not be pregnant. I had it for long time during my university, something not healthy but maybe more healthy than pills.
I went to university and he started to go there sometimes. I was usually drunk, I did not feel with him anything. He was unsatisfied and he finish to date my college at university and I was happy. He even met my ex-husband and boyfriend in the time of university. Member gave him even boys advices. My ex-husband had a girl who loved. He never loved me. He even told me and I did not tell him bye. How I could do it to myself. I know I did not believe to myself and this is my problem.

The men are crazy about young body of girl and I was person who misused it but I damage myself by it. I made my self low self esteem.

I decided that I do not want to meet up my mother in my life and I do not want to do because she did treat me nice when I was child. I do not want to meet here because I do not want to damage my self esteem more. To go to somebody who use me for her pleasure to have child and did not care about me. Maybe it is my forgiveness to her she could not have lovely childhood but I will not damage myself self esteem to talk or to contact her.

I will go sleep and I will not write today.

Mediator, I think that you are making good insights into what your past choices were about for you. This is good work that you are doing here.