Unreal

May trigger!

I ....don`t know if it was real.
I have flash backs of something that comes to me as "The Rape." (age 16)
This one my therapist believes might have happened.

None of the flash backs have any proof now..so i cannot know...

I have many awakened voices...(of children) in my head who talk and also show pictures of myself younger....

Like age 13 :
They show me in the old dresses my mom used to buy me back then (i forget i ever had them). They show me a school work book, a corner of my music school i used to go to back then - and 2 people stand behind me. My mother and the guy who appears as the rapist in "The Rape" flash backs serials.
I see the wall of the music school, hear a voice of that future rapist says "Stupid." The wall comes closer and closer - a hand pushes me from behind onto the wall - and then - black. Flash back (or whatever it is) ends.

The strange thing is that those visions contain many details from my childhood which i recall only as the vision comes....

I used to be on the believers side last year...then got busy with finding a job and forgot....

But today when i find myself having this enraged suspicion for every person that they think i am stupid, mentally handicapped etc = and see how i basically try so hard in every action to prove this wrong - the only place where it coming from.

Every time i am either late or mistaken in a way that can be shown to others i have stress, rage and a need to hurt myself. Only this way the rage stops. And one of the tendencies is to hit myself on the head - where - in the visions - they hit me against the music school wall.

This is just one. There are sooooo many.

My therapist taught me a method of dealing with the memories - but every time i practice it - it comes to me that the they are MEMORIES and they were real.
All the times since i reached those flash backs i felt it was necessary for me to believe they are memories - things that actually happens to me once- so that i can let go....

This is such a vulnerable/hard/awful issue for me that i don`t dare to trust and tell therapist about it - moreover - of course - mother who has been obsessively spoiling with me, gave me SO MUCH attention and love and care and over protection - that it is very hard to picture her do the things in the visions,,,(accept for her showing BPD signs, and of the voices in my head telling she had alters....

I'm so sorry lady.. It is so hard to remember those times... Even when you don't remember the worst of it, knowing it happened, knowing some form of what happened is so hard. You are so brave and strong for continuing your healing process. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... Don't give up!

That was a good one thank you!
The problem is i feel guilty for thinking /assuming or believing such horrible things about my mother - who would give me all attention as far as i can remember.

I am also afraid like no one - can believe - so..... i feel bad for believing myself - as much as out of all the things i did believing it was real had a sense of letting go and of getting sane. It was a very strange feeling - after remembering - if i can call it so - a moment of freedom and awareness of the now.

I am afraid of people dissipation because sadly i am very sensitive and dependent. I really wish i wasn`t.