[bpdruins]

My parents used to work a lot and left me at other people's houses while they were at work. I used to stay at this one house where some things happened that I still remember. I used to play with this boy at the house, and his little brother. For the most part, I used to get along with the boy, but there were times when the boy used to beat me, and his mother would watch and laugh about it.

One day, a cousin of his decided to take us and another female cousin out in the woods. He made us strip down, and made the girl have oral sex with me. He made the other kid take his pants down and watch us. I think we were only 5/6 years old. The older kid was at least 12. I don't remember what else happened. The last thing I remember is another little kid that stayed at the house somehow found us out there and the mother came and took us all back and spanked us. I found out later that she lied to my parents about what happened, and said we were just 'experimenting'.

Anyway, I noticed that I have problems that sound like sexual abuse problems. I have trouble with identity, self-image, and confidence. Whenever people touch me, I automatically spring back. I've never been able to have an orgasm during sex. Sex seems to be somewhat disgusting to me.

Does this sound like a sexual abuse? I know a lot of people have way worse stories. It doesn't seem like much. Maybe the symptoms could be something else, like a personality problem.

[unaluna]

It sounds like something you still have questions about, that you might benefit talking to a therapist about. Do you have access to counseling?

[bpdruins]

It sounds like something you still have questions about, that you might benefit talking to a therapist about. Do you have access to counseling?

Not right now. I'm waiting for insurance to kick in next month.

[Sannah]

It wasn't experimenting because you didn't chose to do these things. An older child was ordering you to do these things and this is what makes it sexual abuse. Experimenting is when 2 equals are both choosing to experiment.

I could see how this would still affect you because this was a loss of empowerment for you and boundary violations. To be beaten on numerous occasions at this house without any protection would be traumatic too. You write you have self worth issues, this certainly would affect your self worth because you would have been thinking while you were being beaten and not being protected that you must have been worthless (you weren't, these people were dysfunctional but you still would have thought this).

[bpdruins]

Thank you, Sannah.
I have been feeling much clearer now that I have admitted it to my parents.
I don't blame them because they were lied to, and I never talked about it.
I'm still having trouble right now acknowledging it. I keep wanting to deny that it caused me damage. I think I'm starting to see how it affected me.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by bpdruins

I'm still having trouble right now acknowledging it. I keep wanting to deny that it caused me damage. I think I'm starting to see how it affected me.

This is very insightful, and you are right, denying it will get you no where. Bringing it out into the sunlight is what will set you free. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry you have experineced this bpd but yes, this is most definately sexual abuse. The kid, who was much older than you would be the abuser. As well as the parent for watching a kid hit you and laughing at it, that would be physical and emotional abuse. The child however, try to remember, was only 12 and was a child as well. Although he was the abuser, at the time he was not an adult, not fully aware of the consequences of his actions or the pain inflicted on others through him. Although he was your abuser and it was painful, the real problem comes from how he was raised for him to be doing such things at such an early age.

I wont assume I know how he turned out... But from third parts perspective, what you mentioned above was abuse in its most raw form. I'm sorry you had to endure it. No matter whose situations are "worse" than yours it does not take away from your situation, or from your pain. Childhood abuse has a nasty way of sneaking up on you, changing you and influincing your mental state a lot more than people realize. I mean what can you expect... When at a young age when your head is supposed to be full of unicorns and rainbows and barney, finding out it's full of anger violence pain and people always wanting to take from you... It causes long term damage, but thankfully damage that can be healed over time with help from a therapist! The best of luck to you and I am so sorry for your pain!

[bpdruins]

The child however, try to remember, was only 12 and was a child as well. Although he was the abuser, at the time he was not an adult, not fully aware of the consequences of his actions or the pain inflicted on others through him. Although he was your abuser and it was painful, the real problem comes from how he was raised for him to be doing such things at such an early age.

I think what I am angry about it, is not that I blame the kid, but that no one did anything. The police should have been called, because its clear to me now the kid was being abused himself. I don't have much love for that kid though either, because I remember he was mean to us. It made me feel powerless and weak. But, I can see it was my fault, I didn't have the courage to tell my parents what really happened.

I know I was already somewhat shattered at the time just waiting to break a little more. I was adopted when I was little, and I never felt like I connected with my new parents. I love them, but I felt distant from them. I knew the whole time in the back of my head I wanted to go back to my sister who used to take care of me. I think that's what still gives me the most pain.