I was awakened this morning by a memory from age 15. Compared to other things, it seems so petty. It wasn't abuse, merely invalidation. Yet the memory of it doggone *woke me up.*

Step-father's boss and his wife had us all over for dinner. That was step-father, my mother, the four of us ranging from my 15 to my sister's 11, and the two of them. Boss's wife prepared the meal and served buffet style, where we all got a plate and served ourselves from the dishes placed on the counter top. I very innocently reached for a stuffed bell pepper, with no reason to think I shouldn't. Since apparently there weren't enough of them for every individual, my mother told me to put it back and leave them for the adults. Because, you know, at 15 she still considered me a little girl just barely out of diapers.

After I left the room, as my mother later made me aware, the hostess actually cried. "That little girl wanted a pepper, and I didn't make enough."

Questions:

1. My fault she cried? My mother blamed me.

2. Why do these random things pop into my head at odd times?

3. I don't know if the hostess actually said "little girl," or my mother injected her own terminology when quoting her. IMO it's just more invalidation. Does anyone here consider a teenager a "little boy" or a "little girl" as my mother does? I've been told it's part of a narcissistic parenting style, and she'll also refer to someone in their twenties as "a kid."

[Sannah]

That is asking a lot for a 15 yr old to be aware of food amounts and who should eat what at someone else's home. Why would a 15 yr old be aware of this?

Sounds like your mom thought many things were problems when they weren't? Your mom made you feel like you didn't do the right things a lot? Geez...............

This really wasn't a problem.

I think this popped up in your head because it is a symptom of a bigger issue. Your mom making you feel bad about yourself?

[Sannah]

This really got me thinking. I've seen parents do this before. They are all nervous and uptight and they take it out on their children with nit picking and this nit picking decreases their children's self esteem. I've seen this many times but didn't really process it all the way through.

[needfixing]

my guess the boss was over stressed out about this meal, and would have cried over spilt water.
in my opinion your mother was wrong to blame you for her crying and so what if you wanted a stuff pepper.
pop ups i don't know why i am not a expert.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

This sounds abusive to me.

I think your mother was taking out her insecurities on you.

Why should not a fifteen year old girl have a stuffed pepper?

That hostess was so sweet---taking you into consideration. You were a guest, just like your mother. And 15, to me, is an adult.

You deserved good treatment and that hostess was doing that by feeling for you. Your mother was emotionally upset and taking that out on you.

I am sharing this because my aunt did things like this to me, too.

Also, I believe these spontaneous thoughts may be (maybe not) because your mind is simply processing what happened to you.

Billi

[mgran]

You were a guest, and reached out for food that was provided for guests. Your mother was not (or should not have been) in control of your decisions at that point. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you deciding to try some food that your hosts had provided. I think it very unlikely that the hostess would call you a "little girl" when you were fifteen... my son is fifteen, and there's no doubt that he's a man. Perhaps what happened around this time in your life was that you were obviously an adult, and this caused your mother anxiety. Because, to be honest, sometimes my son will say or do something that is still somewhat childlike, and it throws me, because he looks and sounds like a man. However, I expect that discomfort, because I'm a Mum, and I don't expect my child to remain a child forever. We all have to traverse that difficult bridge between child and adult, and as parents between being in control of our kids well being, and trusting them to look after themselves. It's meant to be uncomfortable... but the adult response is to accept and overcome that discomfort. Paradoxically, it seems that the person behaving like a little girl, at least in this situation, was your mother. It seems that your mother was completely unable to let go.

You know, the fact that this woke you shows that it was an important incident. It occured at a pivotal moment in your life, when you were really and truly becoming a woman, and you were talked down, to almost nothing. Although it wasn't exactly abuse, it was still deeply wounding. Perhaps it's only now that you're able to confront such things.

Funnily enough today I've had some reminiscences of painful things from when I was a child... My mother never believed me when I was ill. I had broken fingers and toes, pneumonia three times, bronchitis several times, chicken pox, measles, mumps, whooping cough, and even scarlet fever... and she never believed I was ill, unless the doctor happened by to see my brother (who often had the same ailments as I did at a similar time). So, for example, the doctor turned up on a few occasions and asked why I wasn't in bed... My Mum would say there was nothing wrong with me. On one occasion I had actually been dragooned into serving my brother, bringing him food and drink etc on the tray, sitting by him to distract him from his ichiness etc, and the doctor came in to see him and his first comment was, "why is this child out of bed? Can't you see she's sick?" My mother said there was nothing wrong with me, and he said, "she's white as a sheet, and sweating, and if you touch her forhead you'll see she has a temperature. Your son is on the mend." I remember feeling so sad when I was put in bed... for a start, I wasn't playing Mammy anymore, I'd lost my function in the family, for a second, why didn't Mum notice when I was sick, when a stranger noticed the minute he walked in the room?

When I needed glasses the same thing happened, she insisted I was making it up, though I was so short sighted I couldn't see the lines on my palm from a distance of two foot. When I was sixteen I took my first overdose, she didn't think anything was wrong, even though I vomited myself empty, hallucinated for maybe two days, and couldn't walk in a straight line for a week.

Invalidation, while not outright abuse, is very damaging. Things that appear trivial are usually symptomatic of a deeper problem. I'm sorry your Mom made you feel like that.

I've wondered my whole life why she never seemed to care if I was ill or not. But do you know the worst thing I remember? It was being awake while they were having a party, and overhearing her say, after praising my brother to the hilt, "Oh. M... *real name* is stolid." I suppose, though I know she loved me, she just loved my brother more.

It's strange, mgran, I also often have trouble convincing my mother when I am actually sick. Less so now that I have diabetes. She's much more likely to take that seriously.

And not just my mother. Last Sunday I began having chest pains. That was taken care of it good time, but they started up again this Tuesday morning. I was getting ready to go to the doctor somehow, my husband wasn't awake yet, when my daughter arrived. She began telling me what a difficult time she's been having with her drug-addicted, violent tempered father, my ex-husband, who had been staying with her. She was telling me this, mind you, in the category of, "Well, here's one less thing to worry about, because I kicked him out on his ear." I know my daughter can handle herself. But then there's the fact that she and her sister are feuding, and I can only be mother to one of them at a time.... stress, stress, stress. As my chest pained, and my daughter told me to sit down, my ex had to shower thoroughly and shave before getting dressed to take me to the doctor. Then the cats had to be taken care of, and their litter replaced because with chest pains I'd better not lift the boxes, so why don't you sit there, Mom, while we take care of that real quick? Finally my husband wanted to cook himself a full breakfast, but then my daughter told him my lips were turning blue, so he grabbed a piece of fruit and got going.

All of that time, while I'm dealing with chest pains. If it had really been a heart attack, would they have moved just as slowly? I have nightmares of being the one dying on the floor of an emergency room because they don't think I'm sick.

This morning taught me again that my problems are back burner, no matter what.

[kaliope]

Wow, Sorry to hear your family is so inconsiderate of you. I hope you believe that you are worth more.

Just a thought.....I would venture to say that the hostess did not cry or call you a little girl. Both are probably your mom's twist on the story. Hostess probably made a comment about wishing she had made more peppers so that you could have had one. Your mother in her sick twisted sadistic mind, wanting to hurt you and make you suffer for her own pleasure concocted the crying story to make you feel as bad and guilty as she possibly could. And it worked, here it is, how many years later, waking you out of your sleep. Parents, gotta love em --- no you dont...I finally expressed to my dad what I felt about all his sadistic abuse and cut off any futher contact. PTSD got so much better after that.

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

As my chest pained, and my daughter told me to sit down, my *husband* had to shower thoroughly and shave before getting dressed to take me to the doctor.

I can't edit the post any more. It's too late. So I corrected that because I typed it wrong. It was my ex who was clearing out of my daughter's house. My husband who was dawdling and doing this and that before taking me to the doctor. It didn't occur to him to get me there first, and then he could come home after I'm in safe hands, and take his shower and get his breakfast. Oh, no. Himself first. Me last. Story of my life.

No, I'm beginning to think if I were worth more, I'd have been treated better, long before now.

I suppose it would be interesting to build a time machine the size of a fly on the wall, and go back and see what really happened with that dinner party.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

No, I'm beginning to think if I were worth more, I'd have been treated better, long before now.

All humans have worth. You have just been around people who fail to see this.

Did you say something to your husband about this?

Originally Posted by Sannah

All humans have worth. You have just been around people who fail to see this.

Did you say something to your husband about this?

I've tried but he isn't listening.

[Sannah]

Hard to get your needs met in this marriage then?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hard to get your needs met in this marriage then?

He doesn't seem to understand.

[Sannah]

Or doesn't want to understand?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Or doesn't want to understand?

I think he'd rather pretend that problems don't exist.

[Sannah]

Is he self centered?

He doesn't know it, and doesn't mean to be. According to my therapist, he has a single way of seeing things, and it's hard to make him understand another point of view. From his way of looking at it, he loves me, he knows he loves me, and why I don't see that, he can't understand.

[Sannah]

Wow, is this okay with you?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Wow, is this okay with you?

We're working on it. He's agreed to go WITH me to the therapist tomorrow, and he's also agreed to marriage counseling.

[Sannah]

Wow! Very good! Keep us posted?

I will, thanks.

[likewater]

Lovebirdsflying- i wish i could go back in time and give you that stuffed pepper. Maybe you can make yourself some. Sometimes i do
that. Give myself what was denied me.

Im glad your husband will go to counseling with you. Good luck.