[careless_realist]

Hi,

First off, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I just want to share my story and hold to find those of you who would like to build a friendship on this forum. I struggle everyday with my past and throughout my years have told my story and found many girls who also experienced sexual abuse but never had no one to talk to about it. I also know that everyone deals with it differently. I however became sexually deviant, suffered from low self-worth and disassociation(that I just discovered after talking with a T) that led to self-mutilation. Telling the story aloud is much easier than writing it--too many memories that become so vivid so bare with me.

So here's my story from first memory...

I was a mere four years old. He was eight years my senior. My brother stayed home from school that day and I was only going half days then (Pre-K). I was looking for my book for school to return to the library. The memory of where my parents were is still fuzzy now, but I take they probably left the house since my brother was old enough to care for both himself and I. Well, I was back then a ball of fire and very outspoken but a good child. I was slightly angered and thought someone was playing a trick on me so I walked into my brother's room and sure enough found it in his closet. He laughed I remember and being the fireball I was began to punch and hit him, with my little hits doing no harm at all. Next, I remember him being on top of me...(this is where my disassociation came in)...I remember the stimulation, but my next visual memory is lying beside him with my clothes off.

Is it possible to feel so dirty at the age of four?!?! Well I did, but it was my brother...he would never do something wrong to me, he would never harm me. It was my 5th grade year that I had a first ever told counselor and she tells me that it was probably something that I came up with and probably didn't really happen. Well maybe I should have told her the rest of my memories. I remember feeling like a fool and being somewhat brushed off and pushed out of her office. I shut down, again that day.

Sorry let me continue...
My following memories...it began to happen more and more...like a routine. I would even take baths with him but I still thought nothing wrong of it because he was my brother and I was his favorite and maybe this was what we were suppose to do. Those thoughts began to corrupt my mind...during these acts with my brother, my cousin and I began to do the same thing, but we were always caught and said to have been acting out what we seen our parents do...and it wasn't until I was 6 years of age that I remember seeing my parents have sex while I was in the bed "sleep". What was going on then I was still 4/5 years old. It was when I was 5/6 when my uncle came to stay with us and he would come into the room at night and touch me, and I felt so disgusted and knew that was wrong but didn't say anything. I don't know why I felt so wrong and sick when my uncle touched me but when it was my brother or cousin it was okay?? Well it didn't make me feel so sick to my stomach. The acts with my brother were still going on...This memory haunts me still also but this is the first time I have ever received oral. It felt weird I remember feeling as if I were going to pee in his mouth, I had to get up and go to the bathroom and I remember he was so upset with me. At that moment our youngest sister was in the room but he had not touched her..just me...?? It was when I was 6/7 that I think I begin to understand more of what was going on. This is when I first gave oral and I remember one event very well. It was me and my two older sisters, our brother had a bag of chips and we wanted some and our mom said to ask him...well we did. He said yes to the two older than I but no to me. My sisters ran to get some. I asked why I couldn't and well I had to do something first. I had to gave him oral..I remember being in my room with him sitting on my bed and the lights were off but the door was open. I was on the floor in-between his legs and I put my mouth on 'him' and performed oral. This wasn't the first time though. Then there was one night, and his friend was there, he called me to his room and showed his friend what we do.

Believe it or not my breaking point, the thing that got me to tell my parents...an MTV special..yep! They were getting ready to premiere the video for TLC's Waterfalls..I saw the video..and if you have seen the video for the second part they have a girl who is sleeping around with all these different men and without condoms--It hit then what me and my brother had been doing these past few years. Right before and after the video they had the member of TLC talking about sex and HIV/AIDS...at seven years old that scared me to death!! I ran downstairs and told my parents Everything that had been going on with my brother uncle, and my cousin.

I don't know exactly what happened afterwards when they called my brother down and talked to him. All I remember is weeks afterwards when my family had a get together at our place and I remember my grandma coming to me as I was playing on the stairs offering that I could come stay with her if I wanted. Through those years I lost a part of me, of my personality. I am now a loner, but at the same time I like groups and crowds depending on how my ego is feeling but that when the things I do became fuzzy like I'm only half there. I'm a quite person, shy even, I keep things to myself and usually feel like everyone else's problems come before my own. After I told my parents I felt like nothing happened except everything had all of a sudden stopped. I had to deal with what happened to me the pain on my own..I thought I was crazy...maybe I had imagined all of this, had I?? Right before the acts with my brother had stopped, I had a friend who had nothing but brothers..me and her bonded quickly...after all the years of stimulation I begun to yearn for it..I started to masturbate at the age of 7 by using/humping my stuffed animals. She taught me how to do that and I knew it was wrong to masturbate so I hid it and only did it in private...and would feel bad afterwards. I switched schools and found a friend who would simply rubbed against the floor and I did the same and found a way to receive that stimulation I yearned for while in school because it didn't look like I was doing anything but rocking.

I noticed my as I got older that my brother would always buy me things and such as if trying to apologize or at least that's how I took it. Yet still noone ever spoke of it, except one of my girl cousins use to tell me at every birthday tat I would end up pregnant before I were 16 (now that I think about i, I think she may have been repeating what my aunt/her mom probably had said )...then after what that counselor told me my 5th grade year, I felt like a nut case. I didn't speak what had happened again until high school(9th grade) when at made a friend whose best friend had experienced sexual abuse by her uncle that's when I shared my story for the first time since 5th grade. I ended sharing my story with many other girls that year who come to find out experienced the same form of abuse.
It was during my senior year, in here in our english class we are required to do a "senior legacy" book. a scrapbook that shows you from birth or a little before if you want up until senior year and what you have planned for the future. Well, by this time I was so comfortable telling my story to my peers that I mentioned my childhood and that I experienced sexual abuse/molestation by my brother, uncle, and close cousin. That was it just maybe two lines tops about it. After it was graded and I brought it home my mom wanted to see it I didn't think about that part until it was already in her hands..I sat in the living room in my rocking recliner while she was in her room with my eldest sister and it was long until she called me into her room asking me about what I wrote. She had no recollection whatsoever of what happened..no one did it seemed...except my second eldest sister and boy did she let me have it when it all came to light again. She yelled at me, blaming me, asking "Why are you doing this again?, Why are you doing this to our family? Do you hate us? Do you not remember what happened?" Then she went on to tell me how our brother was almost sent away to stay with another family member but didn't (obviously). THAT was my answer that I was not crazy that maybe it did indeed happen, she remembered. My mom was livid and made me tear out the page after I plead to her not to call my brother, my cousin, nor my uncle. At that point I didn't want to relive that moment...now I knew why I had hid myself from remembering the details...(maybe, just maybe I altered so I wouldn't be the one too take the pain, the hurt. ..and I believe she's still within me. I actually know she is, but I fight to be in control to know and remember even if it's fuzzy...which many parts of my first few years of college are.) I called up the friend I had made my 9th grade year who was now my best friend and begged her to let me come to her house for the night...my mom forbid it while basically grounding me. I had to sleep in her bed for few nights even though my brother was no longer staying with us at that time. It didn't seem to take long before everything were back to as if it never happened again. (Maybe I get my disassociation from my mom?) But during the moment of exposure again, I did find out that my two eldest sisters had been touched by our uncle also and had told our mother but nothing ever happened. That same uncle continued to live with us on and off up through my 9th grade year.
anywho, my 'best friend' had told her mom and aunt about me and my brother even though I asked her to never tell a soul. I felt betrayed especially when her mom and aunt begun to treat me differently and wouldn't even let her little sister hang around me...like I was dirty or a bad influence.

To describe my sexual life:
I lost my "virginity" at the age of 16 to my then best friend's cousin after 3 months of first meeting him and not seeing him but speaking on the phone . I offered, more like give it to him as if it meant nothing because to me it didn't. He came down to visit, we did it then he left and I did have sex again until a year later with him when he came to visit then not until another year in college. Before that (I'm talking from middle school through high school.) I would look at porn and masturbate frequently, and write very detailed sex stories.
Once I was in college I went from 1 partner to 20 in three short years. I was raped twice. I began to cut the summer after my freshman year in college during summer school. I was by myself and had too much time to myself. I had had a four-some by then and was at 11 partners at that moment. I would have sex like it was nothing and hate myself afterwards..many nights I cried just to go back and do it again. I even had and noticed those "way outs" but never took them. I felt like I deserved everything. I was worthless, just a men's tool/plaything. I hated receiving oral but would and could give it like a pro and would enjoy the pleasure in their faces but then it begun to sicken me. During that time my First came into town again while my last memory was of him was him always slapping me for unknown reasons. I fell weak at him and gave into just to cause trouble with the guy I was dating/talking to, who eneded up my most recent ex and my first longest relationship even though we both cheated majority of the relationship. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago I begun to change and this was right after a few months of using my body for money, yes I said it and this is my first time EVER sharing this with ANYONE but I feel the need to. My doctor calls me lucky to haven't had gotten anything..though I had previously from the last relationship I was in..I got chlamydia. I did get pregnant by my first but quickly miscarried and hid it. It took the last guy I used for money to make me feel like I was worth more and then the guy I dated after him after I had stopped using my body for money, he...he made me feel like a person, a woman, I was capable of feeling love I could have that romance..we only dated for three weeks then decided to be friends shortly afterwards and we both found new people who we are both currently with a year and a couple of months later. I do feel blessed to have met him and to still have him in my life. He still helps me out just by being a friend and being there when I need him most and I with him. My boyfriend now is most understanding though when he found out that I had been with 24 men prior to him he got very angered and broke off the relationship for like a day. I do have trust issues with him and we have yet to say i love you to each other but I feel we are helping each other get through things he is patient, we don't argue though we do disagree but we Talk..unlike with my last boyfriend.

Well that's all I have for now...If you took the time to read this story of mines then I thank you because it is a lot. Feel free to comment or ask questions or post how you reacted to your own personal experience of abuse. Again I thank you all

[unaluna]

Thanks for sharing your story. Many parts of it are pretty common, I think, among kids who have been abused - so much of it is exactly my story. Especially ending up feeling like nothing. But really, so much. Like disappearing after the truth comes out, and figuring out so much later that the family has been gossipping about you - that's what kills me, brother gets off scot free and I was blamed and accused and looked down on for years. Who needs them?

[careless_realist]

Hello hankster! Thank you for reading my story. I am now 23 and am currently struggling trying to deal with with my memories of this..it's as if they are haunting me now. Yeah that kinda gets under my skin too. It's like he did nothing but I think he carries around guilt because our relationship is awkward. I don't think I've ever had a full conversation, shoot probably barely even a short one with him since. I'm living at home with all my family members/parents&siblings. so that mean I see my brother everyday..I barely look at him. I just want to leave here but I'm stuck unfortunately. My thoughts waking up this morning were so dark on the edge of offing myself to feel free, but I know I'd never carry that out but the thought of being rid of all this is sometimes nice to imagine.

[needfixing]

i believe you, i validate you, and i am so sorry (((hugs)))
dealing with the memories are part of healing, and i believe it's no coincidence that your memories came back.
thank you for sharing, and your not alone, i too was molested.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It took courage to share what you shared.

I am crying now. so sad for you and so grateful for your courage.

my story is not exactly like yours, but I sure can relate to the basics.

I got abused, then it stopped after my mother died.

I thought I really was crazy.

I became addicted to love and s*x.

I am 44 and I am struggling with the aftereffects.

But the silence is broken.

I know I will be okay.

So will you!

thanks,

Billi

[bluemountains]

Hello Careless Realist,
You were very brave to share your story. Parts of your story are mine as well, and I am 50 and just finally dealing with my abuse. Your honesty with yourself and family will help you to continue to grow.
(((Hugs!!)))
Bluemountains

[tryingtorebuild]

How are these people not in jail, again?

[skysblue]

You've been very brave in sharing your story. Keep reaching out. So sorry you've had to go through so much terrible stuff.