My story Warning: May trigger

Since I've decided to participate in this forum I thought I'd share my story so that you have a better idea and also I think it will be theraputic to get it out and know that I'm not alone.

I don't remember what happened sexually but something definitely happened. Mom said that there was this babysitter that I loved until all of a sudden one day whenever they would come over I'd run into my room screaming, slam the door, and not come out until she got home. I also started masturbating in class from the 1st-5th grade. We have since moved to another city but i dread seeing anybody I grew up with like I did my freshman year in high school. Somebody that I went to grade school with had come to my high school because her dad got stationed at a base near hear. I wondered if she remembered that part about me and if she did if she ever told anybody else so there would be even more people to be ashamed around. My sister and i would pretend to rape each other by laying on top of the other person, holding their hands back and saying I'm going to rape you. I've also thought to myself that I'd like to be raped because as a sex addict it wouldn't be possible to rape me. They would just be doing me a favor because I wouldn't have to feel guilty because i wasn't asking for it. This stuff is not normal and I don't think it would have all happened without something happening in my childhood. It's just too much to ignore.

I do however remember a couple incidents of physical abuse as a child. It didn't happen all the time and was mostly when Dad was on TDY. There was this time that i had dropped the cookies and mom hit me so hard I went sliding across the kitchen floor. The worst of it was when I was 9 and i had been masturbating while watching tv in my parents room. Mom walked in and told me to stop it. As soon as she left I started again. She walked back into the room, saw me doing it and said "I'm going to snuff the life right out of you" and proceeded to start choking me. That happened 25 years ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I think the worst of it though was the emotional abuse. Dad had one hell of a temper. Other than spanking us with his hand or slapping ours sometimes he never really physically abused me although there were the times I'd be spanked with a wooden spoon. I thought that was just another form of discipline until just yesterday when Dr. Drew said to one of his guests if you are spanked with anything other than a hand that is abuse. The scariest part of it though was that he threw things and punched holes in the wall. At least he never hit my sister or I other than to spank us but it still takes it toll on a child. If you have made it this far thanks for reading and I look forward to supporting one another although I wish we would have come together for a happy reason.