Am I being abused?

AM I BEING ABUSED? Checklist

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner....

____Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

____Put down your accomplishments or goals?

____Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

____Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

____Tell you that you are nothing without them?

____Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

____Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

____Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

____Blame you for how they feel or act?

____Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

____Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

____Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?

____Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do You...

____Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

____Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

____Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

____Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

____Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

____Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

____Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Your Domestic Violence Survival Kit

Protecting Yourself in a Dangerous Relationship

Print and Carry with you

If you are still in the relationship:

· Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs; avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom) or rooms with weapons (kitchen).

· Think about and make a list of safe people to call.

· Keep change with you at all times.

· Memorize all important numbers.

· Establish a code word or sign so that family, friends, teachers or coworkers know when to call for help.

· Think about what you will say to your partner if he or she becomes violent.

· Remember you have the right to live without fear and violence.

Your Personal Safety Plan

The following steps are my plan for increasing my safety and preparing to protect myself in case of further abuse. Although I can't control my abuser's violence, I do have a choice about how I respond and how I get to safety. I will decide for myself whether and when I will tell others that I have been abused or that I am still at risk. Friends, family and coworkers can help protect me, if they know what is happening and what they can do to help.

To increase my safety, I can do some or all of the following:

When I have to talk to my abuser in person, I can ________________________________

When I talk to my abuser on the phone, I can ___________________________________

I will have a code word for my family, coworkers or friends, so they know when to call for help for me. My code word is ________________

When I feel a fight coming on, I will try to move to a place that is lowest risk for getting hurt such as (at work)__________, (at home)____________, (in public)_________________.

I can tell my family, coworkers, boss or a friend about my situation.

I feel safe telling: ______________________________________________

I can use an answering machine or ask my coworkers, friends or other family members to screen my calls and visitors.

I have the right to not receive harassing phone calls.

I can ask to help screen my phone calls. (home)________ (work) _____________

I can keep change for phone calls with me at all times.

I can call any of the following people for assistance or support if necessary and can ask them to call the police if they see my abuser bothering me.

Friend _______________________________________

Relative ______________________________________

Coworker _____________________________________

Counselor _____________________________________

Shelter _______________________________________

Other ________________________________________

When leaving work I can: _________________________________________________

When walking, riding or driving home, if problems occur, I can: _____________________

I can attend a support group for women who have been abused. Support groups are:_______

____________________________________________________________________

Telephone numbers I need to know:

· Police/Sheriff's Department: ___________________

· Probation officer: _________________

· Domestic violence/sexual assault program:________________

· Counselor: ________________

· Clergy: _____________________

· Lawyer: ___________________

· Other: ____________________

After you have left the relationship:

· Change your phone number.

· Screen calls.

· Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.

· Change locks if the batterer has a key.

· Avoid staying alone.

· Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.

· If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.

· Vary your routine.

· Notify school and work contacts.

· Call a shelter for battered women.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)

I worked volunteer work for a domestic violence agency and I am also a survivor - Having this list is a great idea but I suggest memorizing it not carrying it around.

one thing I know from going through it and working on the lines and with survivors - an abuse person cannot carry such a list for the person never knows when the family member, boyfriend or huband is going to strike. Its like an instant snap of the fingers. everything going great and smack the survivor is on the floor or backed up against a wall or object getting the crap knocked out of them. There is no warning when it happens and no warning when that abuser is going to suddenly search the survivors clothing, dressers, keepsake area and so on. and if such a list is found by the abuser that makes the abuse they get as a result is worse and often deadly.

Instead of lists what is taught at domestic violence agencies is make a habit to have a backpack of clothes and so on stashed at a friends. This kind of thing is natural. A person goes to visit a friend and oops something got spilled on the clothes so the person had to change their clothes and wear a friends outfit and in the process of getting ready to leave the friends house conviently forget they have the friends clothes on and their own clothes in the friends laundry or bedroom area. Or they say they will return the clothes another time. The friend washes the dirty clothes and puts them aside for later and abusive family member is none the wiser. Women who have babies all the time carry spare clothes for breast feeding and spit up purposes. I even had one survivor who managed to convince her hubby to buy her a new outfit while out in public with friends because she "had a bladder infection" which caused and accident and then left the dirty clothes in a friends car. These are kinds of things that happen naturally so when it happens with abusive relationships doing these things doesnt ring any bells for the abuser.

This way too when a person has been attacked by their abuser they naturally go to a trusted friend and they have what they need for one or two overnighters so they can decide whether they want to go back or enter a shelter and other services.