An abuser-to-English dictionary

"God says you are evil/sinful/wrong and that I shouldn't believe anything you say."

--It makes me feel better to think God sees the world exactly as I do.

"When you grow up I hope you have five children just like you!" My internal response was, "At least I'll know how to treat them!" but thinking about it now; the implication is that I was a horrible trial and tribulation and she is wishing those difficulties on me, not just with a "difficult" child like myself but all my siblings too. Okay, how is it that an adult cannot cope with a single 12-13 year old and feels they have to magnify it five times? Darn, my resistance tactics must have worked well!

"If you really loved me you'd be happy to do this for me."
- meaning, I'll use your desire to experience love to con you into anything I want

"Well I'm risking Hell for you!" (this was said to me all the time by a same sex ex who was Christian when it was convenient for her)
-meaning, I'll convince you you're holding Hell over my head to justify putting you through Hell now

"It's my money, I should be able to do whatever I want with it."
-meaning, the last thing I actually want to do is use money to help pay for our household, that's your purpose, you're otherwise worthless.

Seemed like many people wanted me to "understand" my aunt (abuser) and not validate my own feelings or experience.

Will no longer do this.

My aunt had her issues, but I did not deserve her taking them out on me and it's beside the flippin point! i was still hurt.

Billi

My contribution:

(forgive me if it's redundant)

1) "you would have been in an institution if I had not taken care of you!" (my aunt's response to my initial confrontation)

2)"It was your mother's fault because she had you to begin with!"

3) "You drove me crazy". (and variations of this message).

4) "I can't let go of you". "I love you so much".

5) "you have a mental disorder". (don't trust yourself or your feelings)

6) "You are a good actor, Billi. You're making this up."

7) "Why can't you think of me? I go out of my way for you. You think only of yourself". (response to me having needs)

8) "You don't know how to love anyone."

All of these messages my aunt gave me reflect a total lack of accountability on her part. She seemed to blame everyone else for h er issues, incl. me.

Billi

I'll kill your brother if you tell
'i'm scared you may tell someone so I'm going to make you to scared to do so'

If you tell your mom she will cry knowing you're even a worse kid then she already knows you are
'i don't want your mom to find out, she will call the police or divorce me'

You're such a bad kid, when will you ever learn
'I want you to believe you are so i can keep on hitting you'

I need to hit the evil out of you
'I want you to believe you are bad so you won't tell anyone or try to stand up to me'

1)You're so dramatic= I dont want you to see the abuse for what it really was!

2) You're evil= You deserve to be treated this way

3) I told everyone your crazy= nobody will believe you

4) You think your the victim here? IM THE VICTIM (my mom said after dragging me across the room by my hair)

"You should focus more on the positive, instead of being so negative."
----"I'm pretending it never happened, and so should you."

"You really need to learn to forgive."

--Don't ever talk about this again.

I identify! Esp. with 4!!!!!

Billi

"But honey, I love you..." = You're mine to play with as I see fit, to use and abuse, because you are mine,I created you and I can destroy you. After all, this is just the way all adults show love. So stop complaining and don't look so afraid. Wait, go ahead look afraid, it just turns me on more.

kids in poor countries are happy with string, you are spoiled.

translation: go away and feel guilty, I'm busy.

You're a lazy *****

Translation: I want to make you feel as bad as I feel right now.

When Bill Cosby's "Cliff Huxtable" character said to his son Theo, "I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out," for a long time, I thought I was the only one in the country who didn't laugh. Everybody else heard a joke. I heard a threat on a kid's life!

It seems there are people in this thread and on this site who didn't laugh either?

you reap what you sow

translation: your on your own

"You reap what you sow," alternate translation: "I stayed in my abusive marriage, and that means you have to stay in yours." (Followed by out-of-context quote of Malachi 2:16 where it says God hates divorce. In context, this passage is talking about men who "deal treacherously" with their wives, previous verse. But it's been used against many a battered woman, to keep her trapped in the marriage.)

Variation: "You made your bed, now you'll have to lie in it."

"Well I'm sorry that I have problems" (hint of sarcasm in voice)
---I'm going to try and come up with an irrelevant excuse to try and victimize myself and make me the one that's 'suffering' in this situation because I want to make it seem like my own problems are a perfectly permissible reason to abuse you.

"You're just so weak and pathetic, that's why I HAVE to do it"
--I'm going to shove all the blame on to your shoulders and make it seem like what I'M doing to you is all your fault and your responsibility, and I clearly want to make you feel even more like dirt so you'll try to accept it as your 'punishment' for being human so you'll stay with me.

"Why don't you cry anymore?"
--My actions are clearly hypocritical because I'm not satisfied when you are making a fuss, nor when you're taking it passively.

On the Biblical theme: Because there is that tendency of abusers to use God to guilt-trip their victims into accepting the abuse, thinking the abuser is right, I'll toss these in:

"You're twisting the Bible around to make it say what you want it to say." OR
"Bible passages can be interpreted lots of different ways." OR
"You lack full understanding of God's word."
--"Ouch, that passage supports your view instead of my own. But I'm not going to admit it, nor am I going to admit that I'm the one twisting Scripture here. I know perfectly well you're more familiar with the Bible than I am, because I only quote it when it's convenient for me. But I'd rather turn it around on you, and make it look like you're the one who's not in line with God."

"Honor thy father and thy mother." AND/OR
"Children, obey your parents."
--"Yay, now I have an excuse to treat you whatever way I want, and you have to put up with me just because I gave you half your DNA. And don't even think about answering me with any verse that says parents shouldn't mistreat their children, because I'm only going to accuse you of misinterpreting that."

"Spare the rod and spoil the child."
--"I'm going to use God's word as an excuse to beat the living daylights out of you. And I couldn't care less, not in the slightest, that those words aren't even actually IN the Bible."

Oh my gosh, I hear those ALL THE TIME from my parents. And I'm 30!

"I don't understand why you're being so mean lately."
--You never stood up for yourself before and you shouldn't start now.

"You are being influenced by the devil."
--I get God and the devil mixed up in my head. AND If you do or say something I don't like it's easier for me to ignore if I pretend it's demonic.

"Yes, I realize I make mistakes" (said rudely)
--I like to think my mistakes are nothing compared to yours, which makes me morally superior.

"I'll be praying for you."
--To do whatever I want.

i can't believe my dad hated me as much as it seems

he hated me he said i embarassed him i was an embaasment he hated me i wnna go i loved him why iwasn't worth taking to dr he would have let me die but i lived big deal so what i was a baby once i wasn't a good baby

ICK---that is GROSS. "turns me on" part especially! YUCK.

Billi

"I did the best I could."
---I didn't think you were worth any more effort than what I put into it.

My mom's most recent one: "he's just like that sometimes."

Translation: He's way more important to me than you, so shut up about how verbally abusive he is.

"what do you want me to do?"

"What else can you expect? She was sick."

"She was human."

Translation: "Your human condition was not as important as hers. You're just the bad, worthless, happening, Billi. You don't deserve any consideration; you were only the beneficiary, she was the good benefactor."

Billi

Alternate translation of one from the OP.

"I only want what's best for you."
---"It makes no difference if you are an adult now. I claim the sole right to decide what's best for you, and deny you the right to make those decisions yourself.

Plus a couple more designed to inspire religious guilt. These are usually said not by the abuser, but by his/her enablers.

"Don't try to fix it yourself. Just pray about it. Leave it to God."
---"If you were righteous and holy enough, you wouldn't have these problems. So it's your fault you're being abused, for not having enough faith in God." (Note: I was actually told by a preacher's wife that a woman who has enough faith will be protected by God, and He will not put her in a position where she would be abused by her husband. What I have to say about that, I don't think I should say in the same paragraph where I'm talking about God.)

And:
"Don't be so judgmental. God won't forgive you if you don't forgive others."
---"I am completely ignoring where the Bible says to repent, or go and sin no more, or anything like that. The other person isn't required to ever apologize or admit wrong, but if you don't keep that person in your life, continue to put up with the abuse, smile, and act like everything's OK, it means you're not right with God. And in case you're wondering, no, saying all of this to you is not the least bit judgmental on my part. It's only wrong to judge when you're doing it. It's perfectly OK for me to judge you."

(This kind of attitude makes me think of that little boy from the Twilight Zone who would "send you to the cornfield" if you had a negative thought about him, or told him that what he did was anything other than "good.")