An abuser-to-English dictionary

My mom's favorite:

"You're fine."

meaning: I refuse to believe you could ever be sick or hurt because I'm a nurse. If something was wrong with you it would mean I'd messed up."

"I raised you better than that."

meaning: I am dismissing your cry for help by making you feel worse. And also, go away. I'm busy getting ready to go out and party for the fifth night this week.

Shanna

I'm sure we've all heard:

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to REALLY give you something to cry about."
---"I refuse to validate your feelings no matter what. It's easier for me to threaten and intimidate you than to admit I may have done something wrong. You already do have something to cry about, or you wouldn't be crying, duh."

"You're choosing to see only the negative parts, and ignore the positive."
---"And I'm doing exactly the opposite, which isn't any healthier." OR
---"I realize you see the positive too, but I'll say whatever puts you in a bad light."

"Because I said so."
---"I can't think of a real reason, but I'm the one calling the shots here, and the important thing is that I get my way."

"Your therapist turned you against us." (Minister, spouse, significant other, supportive friends.)
---- "They are teaching you healthy ways and demonstrating to you how toxic we really are, and I don't like it."

When i hear "you're fine" at my house, it translates more to how you explained the 2nd phrase. Like = "stop crying, that was nothing. Youre nothing. Now go away, i am busy and have a lot to do. You are just...ugh"
And i can say ^this^ because it just happened a 1 hour ago. I still give words from them too much power. I still exist in a never-ending of cycle of guilt and shame because i always make so much of a huge mess. I still have so much rage and fear. I still keep so much in mind. I hate me. I am ****. So, no i am not fine or ok - none of this is fine or ok. At the very least, youre a self-centered ***. At the very most...i am sorry for being so vicious and a rotten, screwed up and bad girl.

At our house, "You're fine" meant, "Nothing is wrong with you. You're not sick. You're just trying to get attention, and I'm not willing to give you any."

Which leads me directly to,

"You're just trying to get attention." For that matter, don't we all want a little validation now and then? Maybe if the abusing/neglecting parents PAID more attention in the first place...

Here's more:

"You're not perfect either, you know."
---- "Of course we all make mistakes, as I'm fond of pointing out when I'm forced to admit I made one. But, I expect you to be perfect, and when you're not, I'm totally going to use that fact to justify abusing you."

"It's a sin to be angry."
---- "When it's you. I, on the other hand, can get as angry as I want. If I yell and curse and call you names, or even if I hit you, it's perfectly OK. But if you resent it, it's a sin to be angry."

I own you. I can do anything I want to You.

Wow, I can relate to sooo many of these. Here are a few of mine:

"Oh I don't remember saying that to you."
----"I don't want you to remember I said that."

"You're just too sensitive."
----"I hurt you and now I want you to feel guilty about it."

"I forgave you, why can't you forgive me?"
----"While I'm going to admit I need forgiveness, I will never forget how resistant you were to my abuse. And for that, I'm the better person, since I am pretending to forgive you."

"Move on."
----"I'm allowed to hurt you because some day it will be part of the past in which I will demand you to completely forget about it."