I saw him at walmart

The man who hurt me as a child... I saw him at walmart tonight.

I didn't know what to do. I looked him straight in the eyes. I think I was like a deer in headlights. I could tell he didn't recognize me, but parts of me wanted him to. I wanted him to know I was still alive. I was still surviving. That he didn't destroy me. I wanted to scream. "YOU PERVERTED FREAK I HOPE YOU GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU". But I fell silent.

I started to feel unsafe, like he could take me away again. I was vulnerable. I nearly passed out or at the very least wanted to loose the little stomach content I had today. I leaned myself against a cart and somehow got away from him as fast as possible. I felt like I was going in slow motion. I was leaning against the cart and then I was looking in the aisle I needed to be.

Something got me out of there. I was in and out of it, my entire time in walmart. I put lotion on to try and ground myself, but I missed walking to the filters. I feared he would be around every corner. But I couldn't just leave, just throw my stuff down and leave. I couldn't let him effect me any longer like that. So many parts of me wanted to melt to the floor and start sobbing. I wondered what my face looked like. If it looked like I saw a ghost or that maybe I just looked ill. My heart was throbbing. I kept repeating "you are safe, he can't hurt you".

He looked so cold inside. I think I was expecting to see sorrow in his eyes. To take over his entire face, the way it did mine, but he had less guilt in his eyes then a brick wall. A psychopath. He just carried on with his life like none of it ever happened. And here I was barely able to move past his eyes. It suddenly became evident he didn't feel sorry at all for what he did to me or anyone else and when the time comes to forgive him, it won't be for his sake, it will have to be for mine.

He still looked young, more in shape. Perhaps he even looked shorter, although I think compared to me being a child he was taller back then. His hair was partly bleached, but he was nearly 50. But I couldn't forget his face. Not for a second. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I couldn't stop staring. I came home and slept for six hours. I dreaded the day this would happen.

I wrote a journal entry saying I saw him back in 2007 in an ice cream shop, but I don't remember it. The journal entry doesn't say much more then that.

How absolutely dreadful. I cannot imagine how I would react if that happened to me.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can feel some peace in the days to come after this harrowing experience.

I am so sorry. I understand that look in the perps eyes. That sociopath inablility to feel remorse. I see it in my father's eyes and know he will never be sorry or in pain for the harm he caused. The way I can face knowing that is to also realize he is incapable of feeling the true love and positive emotions I can feel from people like those on PC and my wonderful T. When I think about that, I pity people like that. I could not live with only temporary highs caused by harming others.

Remember that you have the victory here. You win. He has lost in a big way.
He has lost his ability to be a human.

how scary...but you know what..you won.

you saw him...& you didn't give in to his power...yes you were upset, scared etc...but that is to be expected...but you didn't let him get the power over you...

you realized him for what he is...evil. you saved yourself now as an adult...you saw yourself in the same situation (sort of) with your abuser as a child...& instead of being trapped & unable to flee & getting hurt...you did NOT GET SUCKED IN BUT YOU SAVED YOURSELF & ESCAPED. that is very very cool. as a kid you were unable to do that..now as an adult...you were faced with the same situation & you had the POWER in the situation...it played out the way you wanted it. you won.

you saw he was evil..cold, uncaring a bastard. , no flash of recognition. use this meeting as a source of strength for you to draw on. & you also saw the physical difference between what you were then & whqat he is now...i think that makes it easier to understand how abuse can happen sometimes...if i am 2' nothing & my abuser is 6' how can i stop him?

i would be exhausted..physically & emotionally too...your body has to play thru all the emotions rushing back thru the memories...but now..when you can..play back this encounter too...but remember you walked away safe & strong & with the knowledge you saved yourself from harm & saw him for what he truly is.

so be gentle with yourself....but be proud also.