Question about sexual abuse

I know I was sexually abused as a child. My last two therapists have told me I am a textbook case of someone who was sexually abused. My body holds the memories, my mind has memories of my brother starting to abuse me - and then I draw a blank, and my obsession with men and male attention and appearance and sex all point to having been sexually abused. When I try to remember, though, I go numb. No anger, no sadness, no vivid memories. Just numbness.

I don't think I can change my infidelities or my inappropriate sexualness with men until I remember ... and resolve.

I guess I'm posting here to see if people have been through anything like this, and to see if actually remembering might change my current behaviors and compulsions.

Hi Syoga, I don't have any info for you but I'm just wishing you luck in solving this.

I had that, and still do to an extent. Remembering does not make it easier. It made it alot harder for me, it tore me up inside. I felt like someone ripped my soul out and left my heart to beat alone in this empty cavity. I wish you all the best and hope you find what it right for you.

I don't think that remembering will necessarily help you change your behavior. Your mind will allow you to remember "as needed". Some things you may never remember. If you don't remember everything right now, it's because your mind is protecting you and only allowing you to remember what you can handle.

As far as your sexual behavior, it probably has to do with the fact that the abuse led you to believe, early in your life, that your value comes from being of use, sexually, to men. This is a distortion of your view of yourself and your identity. Finding the value of your life from other sources will be instrumental in helping you to focus less on your sexuality and attention from men, and more on what you have to offer the world in other areas, such as creativity, compassion, intelligence, and many more areas of yourself that may not yet be identified. Ultimately, YOU decide what you're going to do with your body-you can choose to say NO without feeling guilty. Being able to say NO to sexual advances can become liberating and powerful!

I would encourage you to learn more about yourself in all other areas that do not have to do with sex. Focus on those areas and develop those areas. You are SO MUCH MORE than a sexual being or a body for men to enjoy. You have much more to give and gain in this life!

Thank you so much for your replies! Means a lot, and really helps.

The numbness could be a form of dissociation ...

After enduring years of abuse at the hands of my family, I actually began abusing myself by acting out in sexually inappropriate ways. Eventually I turned to celibacy so I could help to heal and become healthier about my body.

Hope you find what works for you ... This journey isn't easy, but it's oh so totally worth it. That might be difficult to see now, but for each 5 years you progress, you'll look back and be amazed and proud of how far you've come ...

Sincerely,
BC

Syoga, what are you doing now to work on your "inappropriateness"?

Oh geeeez ... It seems the inappropriateness is spiraling as I get closer to dealing head-on with my histrionic traits. It's almost as if I know it has to stop (or change) SOON, and I'm binging on the inappropriateness one last time ...

But yesterday, I called my T to make an appointment, and I am committed to seeing her at least once a week; I'm starting DBT work again; and I have incredibly good friends (here) who are being honest and calling me on it when I start to act inappropriately. It's a start, I suppose?

Hey summer - okay, not that I get that many opportunities for bad behavior, but I can see how my language and attitude towards men has changed, from shameless to "what was I thinking?!" to well, i'm glad I'm not THERE anymore but at least now I understand why I did what I did and I THINK I would still know how to have fun! So I think your "tastes in activities" will change as you grow in self-awareness, just as your tastes in music, clothes, books, and breakfast foods change as you mature. I don't mean to trivialize the abuse - I mean, who wants to have to give up a free and active satisfying sex life just to "prove" they've resolved their abuse issues? That stinks! That's NOT right. It's just, you want to be clear on, is the dog wagging the tail, or is the tail wagging the dog? So to speak.

Good work!! Keep us posted?

Summeryoga,
I am new to this forum and at 42 just starting to deal with my core issues. My relationship has just failed as they always do. This time however I have realized that the sexual abuse I suffered as a kid is responsible for my pattern. There is alot of interesting reading on abandonment and I am certain that I (along with everyone) have abandonment issues. Most people don't recognize it and go through life just fine. That is not my case. Google Susan Anderson and see what you find. I have stopped blaming my EXs for our breakups and finally taking responsibility.
Good luck with your issues.

Hi,

I'm not sure about how to cope with memories of sexual abuse, from a clinicians standpoint. From my own experiences, childhood sexual abuse happened. More than once. I was told I'd be killed and my family would be killed if I said that it had happened. I blocked it out for a long time. I couldn't make sense when I talked. I had trouble talking at all. I liked doing activities that brought me far, far away. Like TV,music and drugs. My life revolved around them for a while. I was able to feel, "one of the crowd" and not a victim. That stopped working. Then the work started, toward healing and becoming able to have healthy friendships and intimacy. Nothing happened immediatly or did they give me a magic pill. I suffered. Eventually, I learned to aleviate the suffering, bit by bit. Now, I work and am a step-dad and a husband. I feel I am successful at both. I enjoy playing and occasionally performing my classical guitar. I read books sometimes. I watch TV sometimes. I surf the web. I read and post online also. I enjoy walking. I try to heal relationships that have been injured by past abuses, not just to me but all around. I think my birth family was in an abusive cycle. Moms side and Dads side. They tried to pretend everything was alright, but failed. Then felt guilty for failing to be alright. When did being sick become a crime? I inherited a huge ball of baggage. I've beared the burden well enough to become as I am today. I guess one thing I did succede at is not becoming an abuser myself. It wasn't a small acheivment, I paid for the freedom to not abuse others with my suffering. It was hell. I've been redeemed, at this point, I believe.

I hope this personal history can help you to understand sexual abuse and its effects, as well as the path to recovery.

Good luck and I wish you success!

I got a Susan Anderson book on the Outer Child and finally these 3-way conversations they always have in these books make sense! It's always an adult, a parent, and a child? I do not have 2 grownups in my head! I barely have one! Susan proposes an inner child, an outer child, and an adult. That's more like it! I have made some progress since reading this, thanks to whoever it was that first mentioned it here, was that you?

I will definitely google that, and thank you for your post.

Your story breaks my heart, Brookwest... But you are amazingly resilient. You have a wife and stepkids, and thank god or thank your decent conscience and evolved-ness that the cycle stopped with YOU. You done good.

It helps me to read that my story caused your heart to break. It might sound strange, but sometimes I can only feel my emotions by seeing them reflected back to me by others. That was the first time I was able to remember that entire story at once. I'd remember bits and pieces, here and there. Trying to help you heal allowed me to remember it all. I've questioned whether I was victimized or if I'm,as some would like me to believe, a whiner. I attract abusive men, for some unexplainable reason. Maybe it is because I'm muscular and I can stare down someone as evil as Charles Manson if I had to. I can be scary, if I need to be. So evil men try to recruit me sometimes. I've learned to avoid them, finially. I hope you can heal from your traumatic experiences. I think that if there is a willingness to heal, anyone can heal. I feel I had to fight the only meaningful battle that I've heard of. I fought my own evil, self serving, nature. I believe I've won the war. I lost a few battles, but I won the war. Thanks

When I was younger, I could remember more. I don't even remember at what point I began forgetting. Seems like the more I try to look back, the more unsure I am if it even happened. Worse, sometimes the memory of the person who hurt me changes and I become unsure of who actually did it. For me, it's best I don't try to remember, and I've been okay with that for now.

I agree with all that has been said. And, you are right on track with therapy and starting to really explore your issues. Some forms of therapy work "faster" than, say more traditional forms like psychoanalysis. Figure out what pace you want and then perhaps look into EMDR, body work, and art therapy. This does not mean it will be easier. Not at all. But, they might work out better for you, allowing you to access the triggers and abuse more easily. This is not the case for everyone. I am simply giving you some options to think about.

the remembering and processing will not help directly.

If you also have a strong behavioral modification and emotional regulation thing in place, you will be able to handle the memories and know what they are.

For me, I have to know that when the "abused child" part of me is taking over, I behave badly. When I can separate that part of me from the adult, (sometimes it's still very hard) I can change my behavior. I still operate from that wounded child often, but I am working on recognizing who's that child and who's the adult. I am learning to self-soothe and my "episodes" are not as bad or as long.

My behavioral issues may differ from yours, but the main thing is similar. Dealing with behavioral changes.

No memories dont 'do it directly.

Billi

I am a 20 year old male and I feel the same things you do. Thankfully it wasn't my brother that abused me, it was a friend of his. But it lasted for about three years. I have two vivid memories but I know it happened so many more times than that. I have the same emotions and everything that you're experiencing.