The aftermath

I know Sannah is trying to help.

Many of us truly have trouble breaking free, phsycially and emotionally.

Billi

I think you will feel better after telling your family how you feel about how they treat you, even if you can't change how they are.

I too struggle with this. I have spent my whole life trying to understand my own abuser. Why can't they share with me instead of taking it out on me? Arrggg!

Billi

By the look of things I will never be able to break free - honestly 24 years of constant abuse/sexual abuse.... I don't feel I have anything to look forward to.

I have written letters to my mom and dad along with emails... and it's never talked about.

The Hero by Beyonce along with Ave Maria are two songs I can't seem to stop listening to

I am glad you at least wrote them.

and I identify with your feelings of hopelessness.

B.

They just keep saying "well you'll have to wait till you see a professional" - which angers me beyond belief!

and how long is that?

sheesh.

lol

many people think that only when we get the help *they* think we need will they finally accept us. And even then...

B.

Have wrote twice within the last week - I feel like they just don't want to deal with me and that I am this BIG hasstle. I didn't mean to do anything for them to love me less

Of course you didn't do anything!

They dont' know you at all.

If I didn't do anything wrong - then why do I feel like everything is my fault??

I got my things back today. I felt relieved. But somehow all I can feel is anger. Anger with myself, the situation, my family and more. Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn’t my fault and I never thought it was my fault until tonight. I feel burdened by my feelings; and not sure what to do. I’ve been shaking all day even though I have been taking my lorazapam – it only helps for a bit. I can tell that I am overly stressed out as I feel sick to my stomach and feel dizzy along with weak.

I guess I am disappointed in having ANY kind of expectations either with my family or for myself or the rest of the world. I also can’t seem to forgive myself – and I fear that I am on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. When I was shaken up earlier this week I did not feel this bad. I was grieving, but I don’t think that it all sunk in until now.
I got a letter from the Victim Witness today and they printed out a letter saying that I had been subjected to abuse recently etc; and she said that it should move me up the list for housing. And as much as I want my own place – I don’t. I’m TERRIFIED to live alone. I had tried it half a dozen times in my life before but after only a few months I was lonely, felt more depressed b/c I had no one to interact with and that is something that I need on a daily basis. Interaction. I know that if I am offered a place to stay I should take it and get away from this dysfunctional household – but the fear is holding back. The last time I moved out was in 2006 and I even had a roommate. But I still felt really depressed. Then one night I couldn’t bare being myself and I attempted suicide. I ended up in a 3 day coma on my bed laying in my vomit . When I finally came to; the first thing I did was check to see if there were any messages; but there were none. No missed calls, no messages, no emails; NOTHING. It wasn’t until years later that I confessed this to my mom and she told me she would be devastated if anything had happened to me. But if they knew I was depressed; why hadn’t they called? Why was I alone again?

So no, I do not believe that I am in no state of mind to move out; as I feel it would have another negative effect on my life.
I was replying to an earlier post and I said that I didn't mean to do anything for them to love me less. They responded by saying: Of course you didn't do anything! Then I said well if I didn’t do anything wrong – then why do I feel like everything is my fault.


In a way I still feel like this. But I also feel VERY embarrassed. Unless I have important appointments to tend to I will not be leaving my house. I just hope/wish that he has some kind of remorse for what he has done. I am still wearing his ring and I can’t even bear the thought of taking it off – so for now it is staying on – and I don’t want a hard time about it!
I just wish I could hit the rewind button so I could relieve some of the happiest moments of my life that I have shared with him.
I still ponder if I did the right thing or not. Sure I got hurt a little; but I could have let it go and I could have tried to fight the charges against him. I wonder if I over reacted; and if I had just been calmer and gave him his space that I would be in his arms smiling and feeling happy once again. Instead of sitting here alone, feeling cold, and having a nervous breakdown. I REALLY don’t know what to think at this point.

I also believe I am too stressed out for my own good as I started to black out today and my period is almost a month late. I feel like every day that I wake up I have lost another part of myself, and it really scares the heck out of me. Where do you go from here? How do you get through the days – Good, bad or ugly?? How do you fight the flashbacks? How do you cope with being scared ALL of the time??

Can I ask who sexually abused you?

Trying to fix a dysfunctional family is a big waste of time most of the time. The energy that you are using can be used to help you instead of throwing it down that hole. Just think of the disappointment that you feel everytime you are unable to fix them. One of the first steps of healing is accepting your circumstances and where you are at. (I'm not saying accepting as in "everything is okay" but accepting the reality of where you are at). Only then can you move forward from a stable base. If you start accepting exactly what you have with your family then you can make a plan of healing from there. Believing in a fantasy that you will get your family to treat you better is not a stable base to begin to move forward.

Maybe in this program you will have more support and there will be other women there also?

It seems that you are in distress no matter where you are, whether with your ex, alone or with your parents but you prefer not being alone when in distress?

Being around abusive people makes it hard to heal.

I get a feeling that you are entertaining the idea of going back to your ex?

Have you heard of the cycle of violence? The abusive guy cycles through treating you like a queen around to the violence and then cycles back. The "nice guy" time is what hooks you.

So true; but also such an understatement!

Just realized that you might be "saying" this: "If I can't get my family to love me the way I need them to then I am unlovable and a hopeless case"?

If this is what you are thinking it isn't the reality. If you stop banging your head on the wall with these people you will have the time and space to look beyond them to people who will really love you the way that you deserve. Not everyone is dysfunctional. Please have hope that you can move beyond abusive people.

you were taught to think that.

It's a lie.

You can learn something else now.

I know it hurts.

Your parents and your man disappointed you.

Also, it's always been eaiser in my situation to just blame myself instead of feeling such hurt, such profound hurt at being so disappointed. "I must have done something" instead of "OMG he/she hurt me so bad---and now I have to heal!"

I know.

It will take time to heal.

Just picture yourself moving forward and if you have to rest, go ahead. Just never ever give up. You will be okay.

Keep talking to us.

We care.

Billi

I have lived by myself too before and I too got very very depressed and I know now that part of it was because I hated myself so much and did not have any tools to cope. I too was also very very isolated and alone with my own thoughts and feelings, which sometimes scared me so much that I thought I was going crazy.

One of the hardest things about living alone, for me, was living with myself and having to deal with myself all the time cause there were no distractions.

I could have gotten out more, but I had this constant thought that I was too worthless to even be around others.

Now, I am trying to break that habit of thinking like that.

Keep talking to us so that you can stay in reality.

You are worth it!

Even if you do live alone, I hope you will have the Internet so that you can at least post here.

Billi

Not ready to talk about the sexual abuse.
I have always had a hard time accepting things because I dont want to beleive it. I don't want it to be true.

In regards to my family I suppose that I am living in a fantasy world where everything will come together, all will be forgiven - and be back to a normal family. I have had that in my head for the last decade and I see it getting worse instead of better. I feel like I can't expect anything from them anymore. It still breaks my heart everyday.

When I am in distress I do NOT want to be alone - and I always seem to be in distress because I am. I can't mentally handle it. It feels like Im slowly dying and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I fanatazie about calling him; or emailing him; but not getting back with him. I guess I just miss all the good days, his smile, his laugh, his smell, and him holding me at night. But I wont be calling him or emaling him or going to see him as it is court ordered that we are not to talk.

We'll see what happens - but its not here yet; so I dont want to think about it yet.

Acceptance is really important. We cannot move forward on a fantasy. We can only move forward on solid ground. I can understand how it is hard to accept the way things are. It requires that we feel our pain and this IS hard. You probably need to mourn also.

I have heard that people who don't want to be alone feel this way because they feel that they are really incompetent and so unable to handle anything. It could be the way you feel but just because you feel it doesn't make it the truth. I'm sure that you are very capable of many things. From what you have told us here, it sounds like you have been taking care of many people for years. This takes competence. I wish that you could see how strong you really are.

Maybe your beliefs that you are incompetent are required in order to get the love that you want from the unhealthy people around you? Maybe it really is a catch 22?

I understand.

I will not hurry you.

It is very painful, I know.

It took me a very long time to accept my issues and it's still painful.

I could not bear to be alone either. I could not live with myself.

It gets better.

It does.

I will not rush you.

You can share as you are able.

Billi