[wi_fighter]

it just takes a lot of backup.

This is a recap for most of the readers, but there might be someone who hasn't heard it and it could help.

One year ago, I finally hired a lawyer to help me regain some of my rights as a joint-custodial parent. Four years earlier I had foolishly and blindly believed my ex had written up a pro se settlement agreement that would be fair to both of us. I couldn't have been more wrong. When I tried to fight it, he pulled out all the stops, saying I would never see my kids again, he'd bring in all of his family to help prove me incompetent, I lived in a make-believe world, couldn't live without him, yada yada yada.

I caved to his demands, just to get things over with. I had no lawyer, no therapist, no local support system, nothing. I didn't even know that I could have gone to an abuse shelter the night he told me not to come home and that my things would be in a pile outside the next day.

Four years of living under his "my way or else" rules, I couldn't stand it any more. Even though we were divorced, he was still controlling me. So I went to a lawyer, and I found out that what he drafted was completely bogus and parts weren't even based on real custody laws.

The ex tried getting me to settle out of court, again on his terms. He'd gone so far as to send long, complex .pdf files with graphs and charts and tables in multiple colors, pointing out why it's better that the kids continue to live with him 50%, if not full time. And he'd point out that if I continued to pursue this legal path, I would lose a lot of money and the kids in the process. He even tried the tactic of saying it would ruin the kid's summer because he wouldn't have any money freed up to do things with them if he had to hire a lawyer. Well, he'd had three summers to do things with them up to that point and they hadn't done anything, so that crack at getting pity was a useless attempt.

On his lawyer's advice (which I didn't find out until months later. I thought he was doing it out of his own concern), he took our daughter to a neuropsychologist to try and get her ADD diagnosis overturned, because he'd been court ordered to administer her medication a few months earlier, and he doesn't like to be told what to do. I took her for her physical a few weeks later, and the nurse practitioner was worried at her lack of growth. She immediately set up a consult with a pediatrician, who then set up an emergency consult with a pediatric endocrinologist. I was following their recommendations like any concerned parent would. My ex was under the impression that it had something to do with the legal process. He even accused me of causing her growth difficulties on purpose.


Do any of these accusations sound familiar to some of you other emotional abuse victims? I bet it does, doesn't it? It's always the victim's fault, never the abuser. They never do anything wrong, and if you'd just follow them blindly everything in the world would be right. Right? Yeah, sure, whatever.

Meanwhile, I'd burned up a lot of $200 an hour fees with my lawyer because I was constantly calling and asking if these threats held any water, was I continuing to fight a losing battle? Take my advice - DON'T DO THIS. Get a counselor. It's cheaper, your insurance (if you have it) will cover it, and you'll get a lot more out of the process.

Soooo, September-ish I finally called the County Health Dept. I couldn't keep this up on my own. I needed my medication adjusted, I needed someone to talk to, I needed to know that I wasn't "crazy" or delusional or any of those other things I'd been accused of.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. That's what was pounded into my head for a few months. Still hard to do that because the minute I put my foot down, the ex is under there with a pry bar trying to lift it up and knock me off balance. But T kept stressing it. "You have your own household. You don't have to live by his rules. You don't have to answer to him. You don't even have to answer his calls or email. Unless it's a medical emergency, there is nothing so urgent regarding the kids that he can't wait a few days for an answer." Ohhh, you know I know he was right, but there's always that draw of "but if I continue to talk to him, maybe one of these days he'll respect my opinions." Bwahahahahahaha, suuuuuure. If 18 years of living together didn't do it, did I really believe that after ripping his heart out and shredding it to pieces by demanding a divorce he'd finally give me the respect I deserved? OK, THAT I'll admit is delusional.

A couple of the best things that happened were when we went to mediation and I said I refused to agree to any of his ridiculous demands and there was no way we were going to come to any sort of agreement. When we were leaving, the mediator asked the ex if he wanted his son to tell him that he was an arrogant SOB once he was older and bigger and stronger. Because of my refusal to agree to mediatrion, a GAL had to be hired for the kids. (This is when the "oh, the summer is going to be awful for the kids if you do this" started up).

When my daughter finally was able to talk to the GAL, she said if she was forced to continue to live with her dad 50/50, she would run away, or worse. She would disregard the court's orders and live with me full time anyway. Her father is verbally abusive and occasionally a physical disciplinarian. I even took pictures after he went after her with a belt during one of their disagreements.

Up until a week before the status report hearing, the ex was continuing to stand his ground and insist he would come out on top and I would have wasted a lot of everyone's time and money.

The GAL wrote a letter saying that under normal circumstances she would recommend that the placement stay the same at 50/50, but because of her belief that my daugther's threats were a very real concern, she recommended only one night a week and every other weekend with her father, and he AGREED even though he told my daughter's counselor that he was "very sad and wanted to attend counseling with her to find out where he went wrong."

On my birthday, eleven months after my filing a motion to revise custody and placement it was OVER. I sat at one end of the courthouse rotunda corridor, confident and laughing and talking with my lawyer and the GAL (who is impartial and there for the kid's best interests). The ex sat on a bench in the rotunda, slumped and quiet and alone except for his lawyer.

The "supreme ultimate being," (as he refers to himself because he thinks he is more highly evolved than others and will live to be at least 150 (because I guess he's immune to the effects of heavy drinking and smoking and fried tavern food) ) didn't get his way. I'd stood my ground that year, when all I'd wanted to do more times than I can remember was cave in to his threats and demands one more time, because he scared the hell out of me, because I couldn't stop believing that somehow he was so powerful that he could ruin my entire life on a whim. Seeing him sitting there alone and defeated, finally, FINALLY dissolved that misconception. Even though my lawyer had tried to get me to let go of that thought, and my counselor, and a hell of a lot of people in here, I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it and for it to sink in.

So when you think that there's no way you can stand up to your bully, know that you can. Talk to a lawyer, get a counselor, come here for support, and have your day in court.

[LMo]

[lenjan]

I read this yesterday, and again today. I still don't really know what to say, except that I think more people could benefit from the post. Very well written and full of wisdom.

[wi_fighter]

Thanks, both of you.

[CedarS]

This is beautiful, thank you for writing this!

[wi_fighter]

Thanks Sarah. It was a stressful year, but everyone is the better for it now.

[wisewoman]

You did it girl!!!!!

[wi_fighter]

[__zh]

we're not gonna say told ya so................but....... yeah we tend to harp on boundaries a lot as they are importatnt for so many reasons.

we knew based on what you wrote about this toad and his ways that with everything legal he would eventually hang himself given enough rope.

narcissistic ppl tend to get caught as their arrogance bilnds them. ultimate supreme being my foot! pompous twit.

we're so relieved for you and glad you lasted through this. we knew you could and that he would get his come uppance in time.

huge pat on the back after all you've been through!!

[wi_fighter]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead, say you told me so.

[__zh]

nah! it is more of a you've been able to do this all along and now you've found that out for yourself. we're happy this is over for you and that you stood your ground and sought support to get through this.

hopefully you'll be able to see how your posts will help someone else in your shoes who arrives at this site looking for some help or answers. all the grief and hassle and tribulation was worth it now that you're on the other side!!

takes a strong woman to stand up for herself. takes an even stronger woman to ask for help in remainging strong for the duration of the war. well done!

[desirae]

That was an awesome story. Very inspiring. Although at this point in my life, I am weak to my man.....bully, I hope to one day have your courage.

Thanks for posting that.
Desirae