[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple"> On my way to work yesterday, my husband recieved a phone call, it was our son, he wanted to tell us that we had missed a visit from my cousin. He is the cousin that was one of my childhood abusers. I am in such a fog. I never use to be so sensitive to all this, it si like all flooding to the surface and I cant grab a limb to save myself. I feel numb and depressed and scared. The moods are swinging. I want to cry but cant, I want to cut but wont, I want to scream but only whispers come out, I want to fly, I want run, I want to hide, I want to heal!!!!!!!! I hate this. Hate the popping in without notice, but that is my family. My H wants to take it into his own hands, but I said, no. this is about me and what I want and need and doing anything to him isnt going to help me, isnt going to resolve anything nor will it take any of it away. Heck he was just a kid himself. I dont know fir sure but he probably had been abused too. I dont know. I felt like I was air last night. There but not, like a zombie or something, I still dont feel right. I will be ok, I am safe, i am in good place, I have support. Deep breathes....... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.... My senses are exteremly sensitive today... Cant concetrate, cant talk.... Cant wait for ins to kick in and start T again, last try was a bust. I am good, I will be ok.... I want to cut, I want to sleep it away, I want to forget, I want to heal!!!!!!!! Use to feel like it happened to someone else, like just one of those things now, now it all choices to be dealt with, just want it to go away.... Dont want to deal with it, yes I do, need to, but scared to.. UGHHH this bites!!!!!!!!!!!! Breath Melind Breath!! You are ok, you are sfae you are loved you are ok........... </font>

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((melinda)))))))))))))))))

you are ok, you're right. it just doesn't feel like when an unexpected butt kicking comes, does it? that's what i call it...out of the blue, a butt kicking.

you are really doing so great things for self. i think it's great that hubby wants to help but respects your need to have what control you can in this.

this too will pass. until then, please try to journal (well, kinda like you did here) and know in your mind that your feelings, thoughts and memories on this are being respected. maybe then you can try to keep head and hands busy on something creative until it slips further and further back?

we're here.

kd

((((((((((serenity))))))))))))

[Lexicon78]

(((((serenity)))))

I know it's very hard right now. I'm dealing with some similar things right now. I give you permission to HEAL.

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">Thank you KD... I havent journalled in weeks, I know I should though. I know it will be hard but will feel good to get it out too.... I was going to say I dont know why I stopped but I do..... Ignoring = it will go away.... Yes I know that isnt true but I want to be and so I fool myself into thinking its true........dang these connections!! When Husband is home I am good, usually dont have rough emotions and thoughts when he is hoem, he is my safe person.... but I have family close by and so when or if it gets too hard or sacery I ahve them to call on which is a comfort. Keeping busy.... I need a startdegy for any furture unexpecteds... </font>

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple"> Thank you for the hugs estersvirtue, they are much appreciated! </font>

[SerenitysWave]

I give you permission to HEAL.

<font color="purple"> That statement spoke to me in a very profound , but positive way. Thank you Lexi! Isnt that something? Never really thought much about needing permission to heal, but I do, I need to give myslef that permission as well. WOW!! </font>