[soscared]

Hi I am a new user, and I am glad to have been able to find this place.
I was Sexually , verbally and physically abused by my father for many years, the earliest time for the S abuse I think started when I was 9, my female older cousin also S abused me for a few years.
I left home at 17 because I could not take anymore, I moved 2,800 miles away with my boyfriend. I had a son 2yrs later, and moved back to Calgary with my boyfriend. He was also quite abusive verbally and emotionally. I was to stupid to get out of the relationship, because i thought that no one else would ever want to be with me.
a year and a half later I had my daughter.
When my kids were 9 and 11, I left my husband (by this time) because I could not take any more abuse from him.
He quit his job and started stalking me, until I agreed to meet with him . For a year and a halfI lived in my own ap. and we did lots of talking
Very much to my surprise he listened and tried to change, My part in our whole relationship boiled down to me not talking when I was upset because I was never allowed to at home as a child, or I would be hit for it.
Anyhow my husband and I got back together 10 yrs. ago and he is still treating me very well(I guess I am one of the lucky ones).
Eventhough we are back together, I still fell distrustful and I began therapy. I have PSTD and hardly ever feel like myself. I usually fel like I am someone else for different occassions, I don't really know who I am anymore and haven't for as long as I can remember.
I have attempted suicide a few times and I self harm.
It has gotten worse over the past 4 yrs.
I don't know if I will ever get through this, I feel like I have different parts of me and sometimes all I hear in my mind is that I need to die there is no reason for me to live, some of the other parts are being able to go to university and do well. It is all mixed up for me.
Does anyone else have this problem

[heatherm]

Hello soscared and welcome

You have been through a lot and I am so sorry you had to endure all that you have.

It is great that you are in therapy. Are you on medication as well? It is so important to have a good relationship with your doctor and make sure him/her know how you are feeling. Write things down and ask lots of questions.

You took a huge step posting here and reaching out to us and that is something you should be proud of. Keep posting to us - you have found a wonderful caring group.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[janesgang]

You're doing a very courageous thing in getting help for yourself, so you get a big "WAY TO GO" for stepping out. One of the things that has helped me most is journaling. I just write everything down as if I were telling a best friend that is completely trustworthy. Sometimes I start off writing "I don't feel like writing today because. . ." and then I find myself getting things off my chest. This has also proven a great way for my inside family to interact with me - the ones who are old enough and know how to write. I'm new to this board also, but so far I've found the people here to be very warm and welcoming. They're a good group.

As my therapist often tells me, "trust yourself, and trust your process" and you'll get through this. -Janesgang

Keep walking past the open windows.

[Orchid]

One way to feel better is to try and concentrate more on what is good and going right. But since you have such depressed feelings that seem destructive, too, you probably should seek the help of a medical doctor and tell them exactly how you feel so bad at times. Pulling out of depression and the other symptoms can be done by many different ways. Try to divert yourself when you feel real down. Go out to a movie or rent one to get your mind off of the sadness. Do what makes you feel good and force yourself to make yourself feel better. Just keep practiciing pulling yourself out of the rut and it will take hold. It's something you must keep doing. Sometimes people need medication, too. You might want to try that route in addition.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"Man's mind stretched to a new idea
never goes back to its original dimensions."
Oliver Wendell Holmes

[john4]

Hi soscared, welcome!
hope you find this place to be welcoming and productive as I did, having been abused myself and suffered to hell and back. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are working out for you. from your description, my heart goes out to you. A special hug!!