[greenfairy]

after all the years i am still the one being questioned. by my mother. my family. by the person i care most about it. isnt going through it enough. and then i start wondering where i went wrong, what i shouldve done differently. if theres something wrong with me. if i got what i deserved. there is no safe place in this world. i cant live like this. i am so tired.

[greenfairy]

wish i could edit my post but its too late. the only "still" that holds true is i'm still pathetic. and self-pity is annoying and tiresome. and one thing i learned in the last twelve hours. . . it still dont mean *&^%.

[bipolar_bear]

You did nothing wrong. I am sorry you are feeling all the things you posted but I wish you could understand that you were the abused not the abuser. It is so hard when the people you love are not validating to your experience. I hope that soon you can see how wonderful you are and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Please take care of yourself.

[greenfairy]

thank you. . .just needed to be heard. sometimes the worst pain comes from no one hearing me. or wanting to hear it. "why are we even talking about this?" being asked that is like being punched in the face. because it happened thats why. because i have to live with this every day of my life, because i cant watch television without something setting me off, because i never feel safe when i'm home alone, or at my parents house, or on the street at night, because i cant feel anything when someones touching me unless they are hurting me, because it makes me wish i didnt survive, because it makes me cry every damn day, because i feel alone and damaged and unloveable, because it happened and i have to live with it.
sometimes i'm fine for a while. . .the past few months though i cant keep it together. ever since my parents reentered my life because of all the financial hardship, i've been going crazy. i cleaned the house today for hours. i scrubbed every inch, polished every piece of furniture, shined the windows, mopped the floors and cleaned every scrap of laundry because i couldnt stop smelling dead leaves. my husband thinks i'm crazy and maybe hes right. i cant sleep and i cant eat and i wish someone would just put me out of this misery already. thanks for listening. just needed to get that out.

[Rapunzel]

Green, go ahead and let it out. That's what we are here for. I'm sorry that those things happened to you.

Rap

(((((((((((greenfairy))))))))

[greenfairy]

((((((((((((rapunzel, esthersvirtue))))))))))))))
why cant he hear me? i feel like i'm screaming at the top of my lungs that i am going to drown and he cant hear me. hes talking and talking about the vicious cycle of my life and how i havent changed and i am screaming and screaming that i am falling apart and i cant hold on anymore and he just keeps talking. ripping me to shreds, all the things i've done wrong and continue to do wrong. and i cant ask him to help me. he just wont hear it. and i'm losing my voice.

[Rapunzel]

((((((Green))))))) I wish that I had answers for you. I know what it's like to feel unheard, and I know that we can't change other people. Some just can't seem to hear, and maybe they will change and maybe they won't. You don't have to stand for being verbally abused though. What do you do when he starts ripping? I know it's so much easier said than done, because in the same situation I tend to get paralized, but are you able to walk away, or is there anyone you can call or go visit?

Rap