[2bme]

This may definitely trigger.
Yesterday I had such a good day. I had energy and no flashbacks. I even finished some DIY around the house. I thought if everyday can be like this one, I can survive. Woke up this morning. It was gone. Lying in bed, it felt like my brain is bleeding. It felt like there is a rock on my chest. I had trouble breathing. Got kicked out of bed by Mom, but had trouble hiding how I felt. Decided to go have my coffee and cigarette outside. Stepping outside I was back at the beach where I stayed a week in my bakkie (think it is called a pick-up, but small) after I got gang raped in a bar toilet. I saw myself sitting in a rock pool trying to get clean. Hoping salt water will heal me. I looked at myself and got so angry at that college student. Why did I put myself in a situation like that! Why did you drink! Why were you so f###ng WEAK!!! Even the childhood abuse I thought I dealt with is not giving me cooperation! I will get through this day.

[bluemountains]

(((2beme)))
I'm so sorry for your flashbacks. Are you able to talk about this with anyone, professional or friend? For now, maybe if you write it all down, and then scream at it, burn it, whatever, it might help to release some of the pain. Ripping helps me.
Bluemountains

[2bme]

Got a T, but our appointment is far inbetween because I live 2 hours away. I did go and hit stuff with a hammer. Which seems to help.

[WePow]

big safe hugs to you. I understand how sometimes it helps to just hit stuff or break it in a safe way.

[Sannah]

Hi 2bme, welcome to PC. I'll support you here.

[Open Eyes]

2bme,

Oh, yes, I do know that myself. I could not understand how one day I could seem to wake up feeling normal again, like somehow my troubling journey was over and yes, that does happen in PTSD. And when that happened I was so hopeful and even began to feel guilty about how hard I had been on myself on the bad days. And yes, sometimes those good days would connect, could be one day, maybe two or even a couple of good days and every time I thought, ok it is going away, finally. And then, that would leave and I would be struggling again and not understanding WHY that happened.

I just want you to think about something 2bme. Yes, it is a very troubling journey we take when PTSD strikes. But what helped me is to understand the brain better and the clinical side of what was happening to me. And the truth is that our brains are designed to feel bad when we experience something bad. What that does is force us to learn something so we CAN recognize danger again and in that avoid and and survive and thrive. So, in our sorting through the bad, the danger, we DO wonder if somehow we are responsible somehow. However, that is NORMAL as we sort through learning what it was and how to learn from it and be capable of identifying it in the future so we are not threatened again. And unfortunately, we don't just have a picture memory, we feel everything involved in that trama, including how much we were frightened and it does bring out a lot of emotion. Well, that is a part of our brains natural way to bring our attention to the problem solving so that we DO learn from it and make the changes needed to not allow ourselves to experience that kind of danger again.

So 2bme, yes, you will be angry at yourself and consider YOUR role in what took place, however that doesn't mean that you WERE actually at fault. And the truth is 2bme, you were not at fault, you may have done some risky things that put you at risk, however you truely, at the time, never saw the trama coming. And no matter how we live our lives we ALL learn from our mistakes, and we ALL make mistakes, ALL OF US 2bme. And believe it or not, many women experience this kind of invasion unfortunately and we all have to learn how to overcome it. And no, it isn't easy and YES we have to express our anger and slowly grieve and find a way to finally FORGIVE OURSELVES for whatever happened to us. We all have to LEARN how to finally accept that we simply just did NOT see the danger and NO it was not fair, and NO, we are nt being punished by experiencing PTSD and these difficult days we experience.

PLEASE, 2bme, understand that you are grieving and working this out and sorting through it and though you cannot change it you CAN learn from it and you DO have to find a way to forgive yourself, NO you are not being punished. You CAN increase these days of clarity 2bme. Try very hard to learn how to slow down and allow yourself to learn how to release the stress that CAN and DOES present itself in this grieving process. By learning how to take time out and consciously work on lowering the stress/anxiety build up, you will again not only save your brain from being injured by the cortizol that floods you with the anxiety, but that you CAN consciously allow yourself to protect yourself, instead of feeding into it.

Yes, it is hard work, I work at it all the time and make sure that I am allowed to take time out to do whatever I need to do to calm down and consciously give myself permission to lower the anxiety and relax.

(((((Hugs))))))'
Open Eyes

[2bme]

Open Eyes, you explain thing so clear. Thank you all for the support. So many parts of me is dead so that the feeling I get when reading the replies is almost foreign. An emotion other than anger. I don't know. Just know that I truly appreciate it.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I am sorry 2bme, I went through that as well, it a phase of the PTSD. It was explained to me and is somewhat of a depressive stage. Be kind to yourself right now, get lots of rest and be around others that are of comfort and support. Yes, I know about the loss of feeling, give it time ok? This is a good time to get grief counceling, even if you don't cry etc. it is ok.

Oh, and try to see if you can get in some kind of physical excercise, some of the members here find it really helps, me too, sometimes it really does. And it doesn't have to be a big deal, just gradual ok?

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes