[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have to ride the bus since I can't drive.

Anyway, I was on my way back from the endodontist (ongoing mouth pain).

And the bus got crowded and I don't like to sit next to men I don't know very well---also I had been m***sted on buses as a teenager.

I was sitting in the front seat and a teenage guy sat by me and I tried to sit in the seat across from me. But there was a young woman sitting there with her bag on the seat next to her. I asked her if she could please let me sit there and she goes, "There's a seat over there", pointing to another seat next to a male. I said, "I can't sit next to men; I'm afraid to, was m***sted".

She goes, "No."

I said to the bus driver, "This lady won't let me sit by her."

The driver told her to move her bag and she goes, "No. She's too big to fit in the seat." (meaning me)

And I go, "No I'm not! I only weigh _________lbs!" And I know I'm not too big!

Again, she goes, "No. You can't sit here." (Okay she had a right to sit without me, but it was the only seat available next to a female and I was so tired from not sleeping for several nights---dental pain)

Then the guy sitting close by her jumps up and barks at me, "Sit down, lady! You can have the whole seat---sheesh!"

And I go, "I don't want to sit by either of you now---with your attitude!"

Because I really didn't feel safe with their yelling at me. Yelling is a trigger.

Then the driver goes, "Lady, either you sit down or I will put you off the bus!"

So I sat down. Then the lady with the bag tells me I'm a "whiner".

I go, "I would rather be a whiner than have your attitude!"

The point is, I don't think people, even some women, are very sympathetic about women who are afraid to sit by men they don't know.

And I was abused on a bus more than once. I wish they would consider this as a real issue! I always let women sit by me, but not men. I put my bag on the seat to keep men away, but not women!

Although I am better now, that still left me badly shaken up. So I am going to have to stand on a bus to avoid possibly being frotterized (rubbed up on) because of some women's non-supportive attitudes.

Billi

[larakeziah]

I'm sorry this happened to u! I too hate sitting next to men on busses well actually I hate sitting next to anyone! That's if I can even get on a bus which at the moment I can't!! The fact that u can even ride the bus is a great accomplishment so well done to u!!

[Sannah]

[likewater]

Sorry this happened to you, Billi. You are brave to stand up for yourself and make your needs known. I am proud of you. As for umsympathetic people, they don't understand and probably have their own issues. I'm proud of you. I probably would have gotten off the bus and haf a meltdown.

[taylor43]

(((((((Hugs)))))))))) some people can be so crule!

[tear_drop]

not everyone is a mind reader.

[RainbowRoad]

That sounds like a very trying experience. I do understand not wanting to be close to strange men, and I'm so sorry that you found yourself in this situation. People can be quite inconsiderate when staking out their own "space". I wonder if that woman had some issues of her own. Regardless, she treated you very rudely. You deserve better than that.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by tear_drop

not everyone is a mind reader.

mind reader?

I did not expect anyone to read my mind! I told them I could not sit next to men.

And I dont' think it's asking too much to want women to feel safe.

Billi

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I asked her if she could please let me sit there and she goes, "There's a seat over there", pointing to another seat next to a male. I said, "I can't sit next to men; I'm afraid to, was m***sted".

This probably fit into the category of too much information for her, making her uncomfortable.

[rosie89]

I also am stuck riding buses with serious hang ups about strange men. I have at times had to calm myself down and remind myself that I am not in the same situation I was in when I was assaulted. Try to ground myself in the moment. Carrying pepper spray everywhere helps too.

In my experience, people take talking about sexual abuse/assault in public forums as manipulative or over-sharing, despite the fact that it's something those who have suffered the abuse have to deal with every day. My therapist always discourages talking about it to so openly, despite the fact that he wishes it was something that could be shared and gets angry about people 'silencing' me, because of responses like what you experienced. He also stresses me reintegrating, trying to ground myself in the moment and live the way I did before in public situations. You're safe now. And maybe, like me, you'll find some small measure of solace in carrying pepper spray and a small pocket knife everywhere you go.

[Bill3]

The world does not always allow us to avoid triggers. Learning how to cope when it doesn't, and having a plan for what to do when it doesn't, is helpful.

[likewater]

I think it would be ok to say, " i cant sit next to men because of past trauma" if people think THAT is tmi too bad. I tell people i have "trauma issues" all the time because they have to understand my needs and behaviors. They DONT necessarily need to know more than i' ve experienced extreme, repeated trauma. But seriously, it should be MY choice of what i share and how much i disclose and to whom and when, and if someone has a problem with it IT IS THEIR PROBLEM not mine. Billi, in my opinion, did nothing wrong with her disclosure on the bus. In fact, if more people spoke up publicly more often, i think the crime would happen less. This particular crime thrives in shame in darkness. Im still suffering years later in the shame and darkness. I almost think i.would feel better / freerer if i got one of those bullhorns(is that what they are called) and got on top.of my roof and just announce to the world every painful dark ugly secret thing that happened. Just once and for all.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Inedible

This probably fit into the category of too much information for her, making her uncomfortable.

Her problem, not mine.

But I won't take it personally.

thanks,

B.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by rosie89

I also am stuck riding buses with serious hang ups about strange men. I have at times had to calm myself down and remind myself that I am not in the same situation I was in when I was assaulted. Try to ground myself in the moment. Carrying pepper spray everywhere helps too.

In my experience, people take talking about sexual abuse/assault in public forums as manipulative or over-sharing, despite the fact that it's something those who have suffered the abuse have to deal with every day. My therapist always discourages talking about it to so openly, despite the fact that he wishes it was something that could be shared and gets angry about people 'silencing' me, because of responses like what you experienced. He also stresses me reintegrating, trying to ground myself in the moment and live the way I did before in public situations. You're safe now. And maybe, like me, you'll find some small measure of solace in carrying pepper spray and a small pocket knife everywhere you go.

thanks.

I do realize the sa is a very disturbing topic and I remember when I first read a book about a girl who was r**ed, I was depressed over it.

B.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by likewater

I think it would be ok to say, " i cant sit next to men because of past trauma" if people think THAT is tmi too bad. I tell people i have "trauma issues" all the time because they have to understand my needs and behaviors. They DONT necessarily need to know more than i' ve experienced extreme, repeated trauma. But seriously, it should be MY choice of what i share and how much i disclose and to whom and when, and if someone has a problem with it IT IS THEIR PROBLEM not mine. Billi, in my opinion, did nothing wrong with her disclosure on the bus. In fact, if more people spoke up publicly more often, i think the crime would happen less. This particular crime thrives in shame in darkness. Im still suffering years later in the shame and darkness. I almost think i.would feel better / freerer if i got one of those bullhorns(is that what they are called) and got on top.of my roof and just announce to the world every painful dark ugly secret thing that happened. Just once and for all.

Likewater, you GO GIRL!

I have a right to talk about what happened to me! Esp if they always wonder why I am acting a certain way. I see myself as a teacher in this life and if they dont' want to learn, oh WELL.

thanks,

Billi

[Open Eyes]

Sorry for your struggle today billi, I think the advice about having a plan to work out triggers is a good idea. Unfortunately the world out there can be pretty COLD and INSENSITIVE.

I remember when I first came to PC struggling to figure things out, and JD said one day, "PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, NOR DO THEY CARE TO KNOW". And honestly, I would have to say that is very TRUE. And I would say that today you got a good dose of just that, ME TOO, and it can be a challenge. If I can, I think of the IGNORE button here and what I do is have a button in my mind that says IGNORE THESE COLD PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW OR CARE TO KNOW. And I also work on NOT giving my time to said kind of people as well, and even brain time if I can. That woman had HER issues obviously and didn't CARE about YOU and even when you explained YOU, she showed you "she didn't CARE to know" and that happens unfortunately.

Although, somehow billi, if you can, sit where ever and sit tall. These abusive types can pick up on fear very well and they choose them to abuse. Perhaps if you think about what you sometimes unknowingly say, I am a victim poor me right? Benjamin Franklin said "Be careful what you tell others about you, because you also tell that to yourself". Now it takes time to think about that billi, because sometimes it may feel like others should CARE about those that struggle and standing up for that seems so right doesn't it? But you have to also understand what else I said about people NOT CARING TO KNOW. Tis a challenge I admit.
But you are getting on that Bus, right? And that is the beginning, hopefully you will learn to eventually sit where ever and sit tall again too.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

maybe the other woman had issues & did not feel comfortable sitting & moving next to the other person..& she did not feel as tho she either had to share or wanted to or was able to. maybe she had physical issues & needed that seat.

sometimes we assume that the otehr person was being rude & obnoxious & ignoring our needs when they might have needs that are just as important as our own.

[likewater]

I think Stumpy hit the nail on the head.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

she did have a book and looked as though she was studying---probably needed to do it alone. left me in a very bad place, but okay.

I am beginning to know the hard way that people can't have room for my needs 24/7. And it's not about me 95 per cent of the time.

thanks,

Billi