emotional neglect

i had therapy again today. i feel really hopeless because i continue to be so disconnected.i feel like i can't change. i have a lifetime of defenses built up in me. it's not like there is a specific triggering event. my whole life was just neglect and emptiness. it's like it's built into me. i don't know how to have real hope about my situation. any advice?

Hi
I can understand what you're feeling and really relate. One of the things you describe, feeling no attachment, is lack of object constancy. It's hard to overcome but it can be done. Therapy is hard also but very worth it. You will feel more whole than you ever have. I wish you much luck.

Oh and the disconnect is so normal with neglect. I have the disconnect also but along with a different dx. Any neglect at an early age can be deadly. Celebrate the fact that you're still here and able to address it in therapy.

what is object constancy?

Did you overcome it?

If I could just find someone who came from where I am and made it I would feel so much better..

The idea of feeling more whole than I ever have is basically my only hope and dream... I am sick of feeling broken empty and alone...

Object constancy is the inability to believe anyone or anything is still there when you don't see it.
I've come a long way with this. I was truely pathetic as I would panic whenever anyone I felt close to (or was supposed to feel colse to) left for any amount of time. Now I can rationalize that, yes they're gone NOW, but will return. There really IS hope.

http://borderlinepersonality.typepad...of-object.html

Try this link and see if it explains things more clearly.

I have a very similar background. In fact just like yours probably and magnified 1,000 times.

We don't know you have anger, or whatever other emotions suppressed , but you do there is one sure way to contact it:

This is a good technique. It is bio-energetics Of course different patients might be given different ways to get to the core of this exercise depending on their defensive system but the bio-energetics must be practiced. In bio-energetics, for blocked patients, who knows what emotion might arise. If there is something there it will come out if not it's just harmless exercise.

Unfortunately I have the impression most modern Psychologists are too timid and too inexperienced with anger to conduct this exercise, they are even afraid of anger and often discourage it's direct expression.

My psychotherapist was a Survivor of the Holocaust and had no difficulty dealing with anger or facilitating it's expression. Not everyone needs to have that background though.
If your therapist is one of these that only likes 'nice' emotions and/or doesn't have any techniques to help you contact your emotions then perhaps you need a new therapist or another auxiliary therapist. Challenge your therapist on this and find out if your therapist challenges you.
Did you bring that highlighted concern to your therapist and tell them that you want to work on this? That would be the first step.

..
As for forgiving if you don't feel anger or hate, you are not even at that stage yet.
You can't cheat anger. You can't give it up if you haven't felt/or expressed it yet.
Also, "forgiveness is not a cup of tea" which means forgiving your enemies does not mean you have to be friends with them.

Oh no my therapist wants me to do it. She brought items for me to release my anger on and she encouaged me to do so but I was too scared. I just don't feel ready. I don't know why there's something in me that says NO don't do that

Oh, that's wonderful! Your therapist is hip!
You are in the right place.

That's really refreshing, it sounds like genuine therapy rather er than the plethora of anti-therapy therapies out there. First evidence I've heard of anyone practicing this kind of bioenergetics in the Pharma (post -1980) Era. Tell me more - where did you get such a therapist? There are a great many people asking me where can they find such a therapist and I have had no answer.

===>

Somehow you are going to have to step out in the dark, take that first risk and do it with the fear.
That's another problem. Taking the risk or deciding to take a risk for a specific action is another problem - I had that problem too in my journey towards actually first making that fist.

I found a way to 'cheat' a little or bridge the distance to that first step. I'll check to see if I've written that up already or if I need to write it up now.

"Feel the Fear and do it Anyway' - by Susan Jeffers - there is a good book for you.

That title is a phrase I hear in groups many times.

Well my therapist is cool. I found her on the internet. She specializes in trauma and attachment issues. I don't know what bioenergetics is exactly. She told me that she had done anger release stuff and that we could do that. I told her I wasn't ready. I stood up, that was as far as I said I could go. Another thing we do is look at pictures together and then I talk about the picture and what's going on in it and how I feel about it.

You sound like you are on your way, so long as your therapist keeps the presure on you should get cooked.
It just takes time, good luck to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------Hi, I would say the solution to much of how you feel is through therapy. This is what you can do to uncover the pain and hurt of the abuse from your parents. It can be very effective with a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder therapist. A Phd. Get a man or woman, whom ever you feel most comfortable working with. The trauma has to be talked about, remembered, uncovered. Read about this disorder, PTSD. I was abused, beaten, verbally abused, emotionally abused, abused by my mother's boyfriends. Mentally abused by my dad, brother and other. I have startle response, where I gasp if I am woken up with a noise. I've gone through panic attacks were I could not control my body and fell to the floor, hyper ventlated and could not breath in the shower. I have night terrors, related to the abuse I've attempted to shut out. Your parents are your biological parents. Nothing more or less. You can work hard in therapy to get out the anger and pain to release you to live again. It can be done. I relate very much to your situation. I will post you again if you want to post back. Much of the time I feel a terror or numbing of my feelings. I am working on this with a safe plan. Therapy. I don't know if you have insurance to cover therapy but it's hard and worth it, your ticket to regainning who you are inside. Who you were before the abuse started. You are still in there and you can find yourself and freedom. I don't know how you support yourself if you do not go outside. How do you take care of a place to live. I had to be homeless for a while and my parents are very wealthy people. It's been a hard road and more to come but I want a life as I see that you do too.

Thanks for responding to my post... I feel so alone right now, suicide is seeming like an option. I can't seem to connect to anyone. I never have been able to make a real connection to anyone. I feel outside of everything.

The way I feel right now is like a baby who wants to be picked up but I also don't want anyone near me really, or it doesn't feel good it just feels dead.

I don't know, I can't relate to any kind of panic stuff or PTSD... I have a feeling of anxiety often though it's chilled out since I started freaking out most recently... and a constant numbness or more like a deadness and a feeling that I lost myself long ago... It feels like my self has fled my body. I feel nothing about anything right now, just a deep pit of endless aloneness that hurts and feels like there's no solution. I feel like I'm nothing, like there is nothing inside of me. Just like. spiritually or psychically or mentally or emotionally... nothing there, a pain which is an absence. The only thing I want is love and I have never known what it is. I have no idea what it is. I don't know how to connect to anyone. I feel like my parents destroyed me.

I'm in therapy but I don't feel like it's working. It's new and i don't know what working would feel like. But I feel like I'm losing it, I'm falling into a black pit of despair and nothingness... I don't know what to do.

What about animals? Do you feel any warmth towards them? from how you described your parents, it just seemed like constant rejection Since you did not get what you needed from them, I wonder if you can get it from someone else? someone you can trust. I am considering asking a friend, who knows about my issues, to help me practice getting more comfortable with myself. I will stay hopeful for you/us. (((((((((((((mrmanatee))))))))))))))

I like my cat yeah. I like animals more than humans. A lot of times I feel so detached from everything and all I feel is pain and it's like I can't feel the warmth I have towards animals.

(((mrmanatee))),

Oh, you need to slow down and take some very deep slow breaths and let them out slowly.

What you are discribing here is "normal" to PTSD. And some of the distancing is your brains own efforts to protect itself. Don't let that make you think that you are just losing it ok? This is going to take time and it is a slow process and NO you are NOT going to suffer like this forever or always feel like you are not apart of other people.
This feeling is only there so that you take time out and slowly begin to help your brain sort through some troubling things it doesn't quite know what to do with right now, but that WILL ease up with time and carefully addressing one thing at a time.

Now I am not going to lie to you, there is a part of PTSD where you may feel like giving up entirely, I had this myself a lot last year. And after a while I began to realize that even though I felt that way, that would ease up and I could get past those days where I was feeling overwhelmed. So, no matter how much you feel that, it is only a part of the PTSD and you WILL get over that and NEVER feed into it. IT WILL PASS.

Always remember that you are not truely alone, there are others that struggle with this as well and there is a path to HEALING and you WILL eventually do better with time. But this is going take time and YOU ARE NOT BEING PUNISHED in any way.
You need to settle whatever is there so you can move on in your life and YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO THAT. But first your brain has to take time out to finally sort through this garbage that is getting in the way of that. This CAN be done no matter what you are feeling right now.

Right now, in therapy you are beginning trama work. This is something that has stages to it and you are in the first stage and this takes time, but you will get to the next level of recovery work. Each person is different so you have to be patient. Make sure that you allow yourself plenty of time to work through this and don't worry about other people. You have found people here that are also working through PTSD and yes, it can be lonely, but your not alone. Yes, others can tell you that they too have experience with what you are feeling right now, and I can tell you that it will get better and to be patient with yourself.

Keep going to therapy and don't think it has to fix you right now, you have to go slowly and your brain will help you with that, it is now by protecting you with what you feel now. But you CAN allow little things out a little at a time so that you don't get too overwhelmed. Make sure that you have a safe place and just let yourself slowly work through all these emotions that have to be dealt with little by little.

If you ever feel too at risk make sure you get help, because you CAN get past that no matter how bad it feels.

Always keep in mind that even though it is hard right now, you can come out a much better person, with a deeper understanding about life and yourself. You are going to have to get THROUGH this first, but it WILL get better.

Give yourself a chance and just keep working on this in therapy, you will eventually get to a point where you begin to see what I am talking about.

(((((Gently encouraging hugs)))))
Open Eyes

I will try to remember this as I am going through this... I just have so many worries and feel so desperado right now... But it is so nice to have reassurance from yall on here. It is like the only place I can go where people have an idea of what i'm talking about... I wish I could be of more help to others, I just feel like I am completely selfish and consumed by my own suffering.

Also, what counts as PTSD? I have been reading stuff about complex PTSD and I know that I was traumatized by the intense feelings of aloneness and vulnerability I experienced as a child. But it seems different from being traumatized by specific experiences. Also I think a lot about the structure of my defenses and have been reading about the concept of "schizoid", not so much as the DSM definition but this idea of strong strong defenses that keep the world from ever reaching me... And it seems different from PTSD. Because it is so entrenched.

I am doing trauma work which I like my therapist more than anyone else I've ever seen but she feels unreal to me, I am not attached to her at all. And that is a problem I can't feel attached to anyone and how is attachment work different than trauma work?

And I feel like I just don't have a self and I feel so empty and is that PTSD? And I have never been able to involve myself deeply in anything, like that's why I can't work (I'm on the check), and that's why I don't make art or music, is that part of PTSD? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. I Just want to be doing the thing that is going to help me I want to experience connection my whole life I never have, is THAT PTSD?

How can I get closer to people on these forums? You all are so nice but I feel like I have nothing to offer you??

Ok, I just checked your profile, I do not know about the other disorders. Has the therapist you are working with now told you that you have PTSD? You have mentioned trama work is being done with you as well right?

I have come across other members that are experiencing PTSD that had very troubled childhoods and they discribe what you are talking about here. They had been disconnected as well, even felt they had very little to contribute too. But one that I have interacted with, "geez" broke through that barrier after a long time in therapy.
So that CAN be done. She is still working in therapy but is on a different level of continuing to address some of her other difficult areas.

A lot depends on what kind of childhood you experienced as well. Some children simply shut down and wander forward with no real direction. And it also depends on when people present with PTSD. I am in my early 50's and I presented with it at 50 so I have a lot of life experiences where, while I did suffer abuse as a child, I developed ways to adapt to that. I actually did pretty well but I did have damage I was not truely aware of. I think that if I had presented with this much earlier in my life, I might have not felt as connected with other people as well.

You have to make sure that you tell your therapist what you are saying here. And also ask your therapist to talk to you about the disorders that you have on your about me page and find out what they contribute to what you deal with now.

I took time and still do to learn about PTSD and I don't just expect my therapist to have a magic wand for my healing. I engage him with what I am learning, I ask questions and I also share my feelings and personal struggles. Many people think that a therapist is going to know all the answers but they can only figure things out by listening to you and interacting with you and each time you share and begin to learn about how you are struggling. This truely takes time.

You are here in the victim of abuse forum, so that tells me that you have been abused in some ways. And often that is hard to talk about, it was hard for me as well. I have found that as I mentioned, I talked about the topic first and learned how common it is and then I was able to slowly put myself in that topic.

Therapy is about learning mrmanatee, and little by little you learn how to help yourself. Each time we learn and see more about ourselves we gain. In the beginning that is truely what therapy is all about.

So make sure that you share with your therapist what you are talking about here.
Your therapist is not there to judge you, she is there to help you, no one has truely done that for you yet, and you have not learned how to do that for yourself yet either.
That is ok, I didn't know either.

((((Hugs for it is ok))))
Open Eyes

Thank you for the hugs and reassurance...
I don't know if I have those disorders that I put on my profile those just seemed to describe my experience. I don't know what to call what is wrong with me. I know it has everything to do with the severe emotional neglect I experienced growing up. I dissociated from a very young age, just flew right out of my body, and it effected my development and who I am today. I don't understand what counts as PTSD or what PTSD is when it isn't applied to like surviving 9/11.

When I was growing up when I was scared or sad I was ridiculed and pushed aside. I was shamed for everything. The bottom line is both my parents are severely dissociated people themselves who are not capable of love so I didn't get any love.

I have said most of this stuff to my therapist and I try to make sure she understands my experience. I don't know how good a job I am doing.

well that is a good sign that you care about animals. So there is someone inside you who can connect. You are in there somewhere.

Oh, be careful about self diagnosing, you should make sure that a professional does that with you. PTSD doesn't have to only come from a big event like 911 or a car crash, it can come from childhood abuse as well. And it does have symptoms that can appear to look like other mental illnesses. One of the constant symptoms is often a depression and feeling that one is not able to contribute or can shy away from others.

I think you should go over your diagnosis with your therapist and ask her the questions you are asking here.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I really really identify with this feeling. I am also trying to figure this out. Just like you are.

Billi

MrM, it sounds like you have isolated yourself because you learned as a child that people are cruel. Isolation is very difficult to deal with. For you to be able to allow anyone close you will need to learn to trust and learn who you can trust. Have you talked to your T about this?

Yes, I tell my T all this stuff... I talked a lot about it today. I try to tell my T as much as possible.