[bluemountains]

As I have stated in the past, my father was my main, but not only, abuser. He is now dying-back and forth between the hospital, his home and the nursing home. The only family members I have ever talked about the abuse with are my sister, and to a lesser extent, one of my younger brothers, so as far as my extended family goes, my situation is one of those secrets that I suspect some know, but haven't acknowledged.

My therapist recommends that I stay away from visiting or talking to my father because I am so triggered when I come in contact with him; however, now that he is in such bad health, my sister, two brothers, and I are expected to help and handle his affairs. Currently my sister is in and out of the hospital for mental instability so she's not available, and I am next in line in the pecking order to take care of what's expected with his care. Btw, there also is a wicked step-mother involved who calls and leaves rude messages about where he is, phone numbers, etc.

I am unable at this time to stop seeing him. It leaves too much for my brothers, one who also has an illness he battles, to handle. I don't really have any requests for advice, I just wonder if I am the only one who has felt obligated to care for his or her abuser.

Bluemountains

[shezbut]

(((Bluemountains)))

All of us have limits as to what we are and aren't willing to do. I can understand your feelings of obligation and duty, but do understand that there are professionals that can help make things go a lot easier for everyone.

I haven't had much time lately, but I used to volunteer for a non-profit local agency called Elder Network. I would go and visit, talk, read, do some chores once/week for over 1 year with a elderly woman. Other services are also available: bathing, dining, caregiver respite, errands, as well as taking them to church and elderly functions.

I highly recommend looking up services online that are available in your area and check into it. It might prevent a lot of dark, mixed feelings between yourself and others in the family. You do deserve to have breaks every now and then. To regain some strength. My Director once told me that I can't be there for others when I'm struggling with my own emotions. I had to work through my emotions before I could offer my sincere support and love to other elderly people waiting. It was hard for me to hear that ~ but she was right.

Very best wishes to you!

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I just wonder if I am the only one who has felt obligated to care for his or her abuser.

my cousin used to go to this park and struck up a casual friendship with this woman. She told him that she had to take care of her sick mother who used to verbally abuse her all the time. I am sure there are many more people out there in your situation, unfortunately.

[eclogite]

I just went through a similar experience. Fortunately, my mom coordinated most of the care, but I had a horrible experience between balancing the guilt for not helping out my family more and the toll it took on me each time I would visit and assist.