What types of Ns are there? I've heard someone refer to their mother as a "victim narcissist," and I think that describes mine. She has been married 8 times to 7 men (twice to my bio father) along with live-in boyfriends between marriages. There were four of us. I was the oldest. We were expected to give every one of those men the deference and respect a child usually gives a father. Whichever King Daddy was reigning at the time, he set the rules, and NM would say, "Listen to your father, children," as if she was the 1950's sitcom mother she was pretending to be.

Her reasoning for always having a man around was, "My children need a father," but she didn't take the time to select a *suitable* father. She just grabbed on to the next man who came along who seemed willing to take on a woman with four children. The vast majority of these men were alcoholics or other types of addicts. Then she'd try to turn them into father material, like trying to change a leopard's spots, or trying to make a dog out of an alligator. Invariably the marriage would blow up. We would all end up abused, but of course she'd never leave the SOB until he abused her, not merely us. If it was only us he was abusing, she'd justify it somehow. One of those creeps told her outright, "It's either me or the kids." She answered, "I choose my children, of course," and then acted as if she was owed a medal for making the "sacrificial" choice. (After that man left, she was mad at my brother and told him, "You cause me to lose so many husbands!") At least that woman in South Carolina who rolled her babies down a boat ramp because her new boyfriend didn't want children, wasn't being a hypocrite about it. My mother would "choose" her children over her men, and then make her children suffer because she didn't have a man.

If her children were really her top priority, she would have taken her time to choose the right father figure for them. But no, she got her N supply from people telling her how much they admired her for being so "strong" through everything that was happening "to her," as if it wasn't happening to her children as well, and as if it wasn't the result of nothing but her own choices. All I ever heard from people was, "Your poor mother, she's been through so much. You really should quit complaining and giving her such a hard time, and just be good. She's got enough problems without having to deal with you too." Hello! I was her child! She was supposed to be dealing with me, priority one, without all that other crap. Nobody ever gave the south end of a rat for what she was putting her children through.

Rant over. Thanks for the space.

[2bme]

Wow. Can't even begin to imagine how it must have been like for you growing up. Reading stories like this often leaves me so dumbfounded. Maybe because I had such great parent who have nothing to do with my issues. I get emotional (is happening quite often now a days!) and then I wish I could say or do something that would make it all better instantly. I hope someone will give you the answers you need. I can only support. I'm sorry you had such a hectic childhood. Hope you are seeing a T.
Go well. Like your profile name!
(((Hug)))

[pbutton]

Well said. I also have a victim mother & I totally get where you're coming from.

[Sannah]

Good insight!