[ItchyHaunt]

I'm so pissed off right now. I just got done with a heated argument with my mom. We were watching a war movie and I (stupidly) revealed my opinion about how I actually feel about war. I knew that it would bring us to an argument so I don't really know why I did it. But anyways, it just elevated from there. It sucked because I was going to go on a nice walk instead of watch the movie with her. Now I really wish that I had went on that walk, cause instead of being filled with endorphins from the exercise, I'm in a flight or fight stage pissed as hell. It got to a point were I revealed the truth about our relationship. I told her that I hate her. And as much as I'd like it not to be true, it is true. I hate her because she's venomous to me. I told her a lot of truthful things that I was trying to keep hidden (and did for a long time - about 5 years) and now I'm really regretting it. Not because of what I said, but because now I'm going to go through hell for this next year.

The thing is, my mom is a narcissist. I am certain enough to bet a good deal of money on this. She doesn't love us (all three of us) and then acts like she's the most loving parent around. I told her that I don't feel loved and then she told me that it was my own fault - that I was not allowing myself to be loved. That's total ********. I'm sorry. Unlike her I explained my position instead of just shifting the blame. I gave her hard, painful, but truthful, evidence as to why she doesn't love us. My basic premise? She doesn't love us because she doesn't accept us for who we are. One really big example was when my mom didn't accept my brother when he came out to her as gay. He told her that he was gay and that he believed that gay people are not bad people at all and that deserve the same rights as everyone else (referring to marriage equality in particular). Instead of accepting my poor brother for who he was and what he believed, she spent a whole hour screaming at him telling him that he is wrong and should change his ways and get his heart right with god or he will burn in hell and live a miserable life. She even said something really ludicrous: You can't trust science because it always changes. But anyways this is how she always is whenever any of us tell her the truth about who we really are, what we really believe or how we really feel. And because of this we always have to repress ourselves, lie to her, and suck up to her, and that really sucks.

And that's exactly what happened this time with me. I guess I just brought up the war thing because I was hoping this time maybe - just maybe - she'd accept me. But of course she didn't. She's a narcissist who thinks that her beliefs are the only valid beliefs in existence and whoever disagrees with her is a blinded fool (she actually says that). She's just such a horrible person. And I know "I hate you" is very strong, but she's earned it. She's put all three of us down for so long - telling us that we will never amount to anything, that we are the root of all our problems, that we are useless or worthless (She actually just said that to the same poor brother of mine just this Friday. Said that he was worthless when he hangs out with his friends. I **** you not.) and so on that she has officially earned that hatred. Now I just wish I knew how to it. It's like I said, I don't want to hate her - it takes up a lot of energy, makes me depressed and eats away at me - but I do. And I don't know what to do with it. So I guess I'm just going to be pissed for a while. Then I'll forget about it. Then hopefully I will ******** and lie better next time to avoid something like this again. It sucks. Sorry, just had to vent... Huh. This is one of the easiest threads I have ever typed. The words just came out like pouring water.

Edit: I think I am a little wrong about her not loving us. I think maybe a part of her loves us in a parental sense. And I certainly don't think she hates us. But at least a part of her does lack love. She doesn't love us as individuals with independent beliefs. This is true.

[Ardmore]

I know how you feel, my mother cared more about money and a new boyfriend then her own children.

I agree with you when you say you don't want to hate your mother but she earned it as I feel the same way.

Wish there was more to say but I give you my regards

[Sannah]

Sounds like you see your mom for who she is. You asked what you are supposed to do with all of this? Being heard here might help. How are you feeling today? (You will never get her to validate how you feel so stop trying to get that from her).