[shezbut]

Honestly, it really hurts to read other posts by those who were abused at home & went on to take their hurt out on others. I was abused at home and school. No matter where I was, I tried to be the mediator ~ to keep other people happy.

My parents were in denial, and abused my sister, my brother was highly abusive, my extended family was also very abusive (emotionally, physically and sexually) and we constantly moved from town to town. I had one hell of a time making friends ~ my life was completely agonizing to me. I made a few "friends" who merely used me to let out their aggression upon me. People who always had to be in charge of the game/s, and tried to bully me into going along with their stupid plans. That freaking hurt my feelings! No one else gave a hoot about me ~ just the ones that wanted to beat me up or rape me "cared". WTF???!

I can honestly say that I thankfully had limits. I wouldn't drink my friend's pee, nor would I allow her to ram into me at full steam, because of her great game. I wasn't completely stupid.

Despite my crappy childhood, I was always there for others. I quickly accepted others who also fought for acceptance by their peers. I tried hard not to be judgmental, despite the number of friends that I had. because I sure as hell knew what it was like to be on the other side ~ completely miserable and always alone.

This post is not meant to hurt those who've come out of their umbrellas and admitted to the guilt they've felt over the years. I really don't mean it against anyone in particular. I just NEED to point out that not all of those abused feel that same need or desire to pass the abuse onto others. I went the opposite way and blamed myself for my abuse. I deserved it -> I must be guilty -> I deserve a life of misery.

(((shez)))

You're spot on and I can relate to what you're saying, It is like saying, "well I was sexually abused so I will go and do it myself" I so hate it when people say that it is an excuse IMO.

It is like when I was a kid I was never ever hugged, I have kids and I hug them all the time and show them so much love, My parents did not show me any love at all, I don't want to be like them, My family are selfish.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( shez ))))))))))))))

[Purple Heart]

Hi Shez

Your childhood was very similar to mine – agony!! Through gaining deep awareness of everything that happened in my childhood I had no love as a child. Rather like you I was bullied, physically and emotionally abused and neglected. I felt it was bad to be a boy and everyday I was told that message – that I was unwanted!! And I did the same as you – I turned the anger on myself instead of others! The outcome? I had MAJOR DEPRESSION as an adult due to being so angry at myself. Then last year I did a program that is now allowing healing and turning the anger back onto the abusers and letting go of baggage that is not mine. So now I am learning to love myself and not own what is not mine to begin with! The result is that I’m less and less angry at myself because it was not my fault what happened to me as a child!!

Okay, so, I take it this has been prompted by my response to Onward2wards' post - I was just trying to say that people deal with things in their own way, right or wrong, and can sometimes not know what they are doing or mean it to be hurtful - I for one didn't even recognise my behaviour as bullying at the time. Some people turn inwards, others turn outwards, I did both. I was bullied by teachers at school and I didn't want to cause others hurt, I didn't think that it did - mine was verbal bullying, not that I knew it at the time. I've fought the notion that I am a bad person because of this for a long time, but perhaps you are right, and I am wrong, and I no longer really feel comfortable here, so I shall say my adieu, I thought I might find people who related and I didn't want to cause offense. Sadly I now feel more alone than ever.

[purple_fins]

shezbut

I'm so sorry you didn't get to experience a true "friend"
You must have been/are a very kind hearted person and deserved kindness in return.

I can understand how it can hurt you to read about some others taking out their abuse towards innocent people..... maybe you relate to those innocent ones? I had an adult brother in-law that took his abuse experiences out on me(i was a child) and an adult sister that also took out her abuse anger on me The mother was horrifficly abusive to some toddlers and I find I "lose" self whenever I see/hear an extremely upset toddler-- just hurts too much.... have to disconnect with all.

I guess those that hurt us were doing what they learned as ways to "cope" with their own pain. (I hope that doesn't sound like I"m excusing them, I'm not-- just trying to help you and self to better understand) You learned to cope by putting the anguish on self while others learned to cope by putting anguish on others, or breaking things or setting fires, or doing drugs... etc... etc...

I hope you realize that you are a wonderful being and compassion, kindness and a life of peace are yours to have and to expect.

fins

[shezbut]

Like I said, karmamie,

This post isn't directed at any one individual. A lot of people could relate to your post on that thread. They certainly appreciated your opinion and experience ~ I don't want to take that emotional release away from you.

But, yeah, the thread was hard for me to read. I couldn't relate ~ as I took my negative emotions out upon myself, making my own matters worse. People were actually a lot more interested, understanding and empathetic towards your perspective than mine.

So, if anyone's to leave it's me ~ not you. My road out has been a long time coming. Enjoy your time here at PC. Best wishes.

[Open Eyes]

(((((OH, WAIT A MINUTE HERE)))))

The way we do it here is to speak our minds, NO ONE IS GOING TO LEAVE OK? Both of you have BEEN ABUSED and reacted differently. And the truth is that some people who have been abused and neglected DO become bullies. And if we are going to work on healing, it is important to understand HOW different people respond to abuse, neglect and poor environments growing up. Lets face it, we were all children, what did we know really? What we did know is that we had to find ways to survive and deal somehow.

Should we get mad at each other? Or mad at ourselves? Feel like we can not be a welcome member of PC, a place were so many come and share their histories of abuse and how they are trying to heal from the damage that caused to us? NOOOOO, WE ARE ALL TRYING, I KNOW I AM AND I AM NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS HERE.

Shezbut, you have been a member here a while, I know you try very hard and have offered support to others here, including myself, NO WAY ARE YOU LEAVING !!!!!!

And karmamie, you are new member struggling too, you belong here sharing and learning as well. Your input shows a different perspective that is all.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS WE ARE FINDING OUT WHATEVER WE DID WAS NOT ALWAYS BALANCED SOMEHOW DUE TO OUR ABUSE GROWING UP, YEAH, ME TOO. We are all in the same boat here really, trying hard to give ourselves permission to not blame ourselves and instead be kind to ourselves and REMIND OURSELVES THAT WE DESERVED TO THRIVE "IN SPITE" OF THE ABUSE AND LACK OF PROPER NURTURING WE RECIEIVE SOMEHOW.

I have been a member of PC for a year now and there have been times where I too was triggered and felt that maybe I should just leave. But I made up my mind that I would LEARN MY WAY THROUGH IT, NO MATTER WHAT. Sure, there have been members that disagreed with me, even made remarks, MUCH LIKE MY ABUSERS DID. YES, I was triggered and hurt too, but after I gave it a lot of thought, even endured some upsetting flashbacks and days full of anxiety that was crippling, I LEARNED SOMETHINGS ABOUT MYSELF, PAINFUL THINGS I HAD TO FACE TOO. But when I REALLY looked, all it boiled down to was a very LOST little girl that DID HER BEST in spite of being scared and unsafe MOST OF HER LIFE.

Sure, I am a big poster here and how many hugs do I have? Geez I lost count to be honest. Maybe I have some good advice, maybe I don't, but I DO FEEL THE PAIN OF OTHERS, I KNOW IT PERSONALLY. Not everything I did in my life was bad, I did manage to learn a lot, have even been called extremely intuitive by a few T's. But they way I learned to be intuitive was not nice, it was how I learned to survive even though I was afraid and confused SO MANY DAM TIMES IN MY LIFE.

Shezbut, you will never guess how many times I read your posts that were so warm and encouraging and incredibly supportive. You have come a long way my friend inspite of your extremely difficult journey. You are more thoughtful than anyone I have met outside PC IRL. Are you going to have all the right answers? Ofcourse not, none of us have that, if we did would we be here?

Lets let this settle down ok? Because it is just too dam lonely outside PC, we need each other, we need to have someplace to come and talk and share with others who understand our journey and how much of a struggle it all is.

((((Hugs for you both, please, don't trigger out, trigger and learn your way up and through)))))

(((((And I will be right here with you))))
Open Eyes

[Fuzzybear]

[Sannah]