[MoAnamCara]

Why am I attracted to things/people/ experiences that will continue to hurt/expose old wounds?

If I may also ask, why/how do certain circumstances/occurrences affect us more than others? In adulthood I was raped by someone I not accepting my change of mind. I am nonchalant about this. A few years later I submitted to a spouses requests as was easier, but this is/has affected me deeply.

gosh, I'm not sure this makes sense, but thanks.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It does make sense. It happens to so many abuse victims. I watched my mom follow the path of my grandmother. And I too followed moms path for quite some time. Which landed me time and time again in abusive unhealthy relationships. When I look back, so many experiences with ex's of mine were almost identical to my mothers. Example: She married military for the benefits. He in turn ended up being rather harsh to her and rather abusive toward all of us (dad) (does not in any way mean military are bad people). When she was pregnant with me, he kicked her in the stomach during one of their arguments, she flew across the room and hit the TV. Thought she had a miscarriage. But thankfully here I am. I ended up marrying military for the benefits. My mom even told me "You're going down the same path as me" and she was right but I didn't listen at the time. It was more of a "This is my life, it's not yours, things will be different for me". Well I ended up pregnant with my daughter and during a fight, her father too kicked me in the stomach which caused cramping for days. Luckily I had her as well. But the fights began to remind me of my moms.

A lot of the time, my family dynamics class taught me this, we go for people who resemble the parental figure that was in our lives without even realizing it. It even proves right with my fiance now (who might I add is a wonderful man). He's very unreserved, he's a musician and completely unlike his strict conservative parents. But his mother and myself share very similar morals. We think much alike. But when I found him, I knew by this point to basically look for the opposite of what my instincts were telling me to look for.

And he turned out to be just what I needed. It is a vicious cycle, and the way out I've found in relationships at least is to go for something much different than what you have been looking for this whole time.

For other circumstances I just don't know. I changed the places I would go, I changed the people I was friends with, the activities, I pretty much had to change everything about myself and those in contact with me but it did help to break that cycle. Also changing the way I dressed to make myself blend in more and the way I acted as well. Plus it never hurts to carry mace in your purse as well.

But I wont lie, I still have had my share of traumatic events in the last few years, even changing things about myself. But these events weren't others hurting me any more, they were just scary life threatening events. So I suppose changing my hobbies to more safe hobbies would help with that. But lately I've just stopped all hobbies pretty much but sewing and crafting.

In no way shape or form do I say this is at all your fault because it's NOT. I don't care if you're wearing a bikini at 1am walking in a dark alley, no one has a right to put their hands on you for any reason what so ever. But changing my life style did decrease those encounters. But I wont ever say it stopped them because I know the cycles all too well and for some reason it seems I have "victim" stamped onto my forehead. But once changing my life, I did notice a decrease in being abused.

I really hope you find some way to stop the cycle. It can be vicious and seem like it never ends. But there is hope. I gave up my life, moved across the country and tried to put it all behind me and start fresh. It helped my current situation but the things of the past have a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think things will get better. Hang in there though, hopefully soon you will find a way out and will only have to than deal with the aftermath and not be stuck in the pain and abuse.

[Sannah]

I have heard that people gravitate toward similar stuff from the past because they hope to fix it this time around. It is true, healing does require opening the wounds so maybe this is the draw towards that but truly healing the wounds requires being around healthy people, one being a therapist, and not being around the unhealthy people.

Also, when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, to be around healthy people does not feel comfortable because healthy people see you and when you have low self worth this feels bad. I had to work through this. You have to work through the reluctance to be around healthy people.

These certain circumstances that affect you more then others, these are probably triggers? We are all different and have had different experiences so whatever is affecting you needs to be worked through.

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you both so much for even responding.

Theres a lot going on in my mind, it won't be quiet. The nightmares have restarted and everything feels very mixed up and inexplicable in so many ways.