[shoez]

If anyones been neglected in childhood u know that...u had to do adult stuff when u were a kid...and i feel like.

deficient. and tired.
Cuz...as a kid...I was either alone, or being beaten or coerced by strangers/family to do (other things of adult nature). and when things were good...it was confusing and i didnt knw how to act
so...
I dont understand anything..
I feel incredibly infantile, yet completely grown up at the same time...

I feel because of neglect....I desperately want to feel loved...but at the same time..love is so scary i dont want anything to do with it.


i m sooo scared.

[Open Eyes]

(((Shoes)))),

I am REALLY sorry that you experienced what you did as a child. It was so unfair to you because in every way YOU DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED AS WELL AS LOVE YOURSELF AND NOT HAVE WRITTEN WHAT YOU HAVE NEXT TO YOUR NAME.

I don't blame for being confused sweetheart. I have just written a very long post in the PTSD forum and while I did not experience YOUR specfic kind of abuse, I STILL SUFFERED ABUSE. It was confusing enough for me to experience CSA done to me by my own siblings, "other children", I don't know what it would have been like had it been done to me by adults. But I have struggled with abuse many times in my life and I have tried VERY HARD to do my best ALWAYS to OVERCOME.

I have relived so much of my past in a way that I never imagined the brain could relive a past. It has been so incredibly crippling and very lonely for me. And I was NOT in the best environment to go through this PTSD either. Thank GOD for PC and my therapist that was my constant connection to some kind of sanity.

I have cried very hard too because I do know that child in me very well. I always had a kind heart, and wanted to be loved and yet I was always SO CHALLENGED and SO AFRAID. I think I would have been several people in my brain had it not been for my mom whom I knew loved me. But the truth was that my mom too was overwhelmed.
And I have scorned many times from my husband for saying I SHOULD HAVE TOLD AND FOUGHT BACK WHEN I WAS LITTLE. But the truth is, I DID TRY, but I did not know what words to use to SAY WHAT I WAS REALLY EXPERIENCING. I didn't know the word "molesting" or "sex" and I did not know what abuse meant either. And because I didn't use the words, the message didn't get understood and I finally gave up. And then it was too late and in my situation I truely felt that if I did tell, it might cost my life. Oh how I was so scared and confused. I didn't know what stress or anxiety meant either as a child, I didn't know what hypervigilant was either for most of my life. But I can remember that little girl in me CONSTANTLY BEING ALL THOSE THINGS.

Every single child deserves to be loved and you are no exception shoez. I hope that you find the way to loving yourself, because you really always did and still do deserve it. You were NEVER responsible in any way for what you experienced as a child you know. Unfortunately, you were raised with some VERY TOXIC, IGNORANT people. And that is NEVER A CHILD'S FAULT.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart shoez, that I really care and can relate to you in many ways. I am working very hard on repairing and understanding MY LIFE in a different way too. But I DON'T HATE MYSELF, because I know that I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, BUT I ALWAYS TRIED MY BEST. I only HATE WHEN I FAILED OR HOW I MAY HAVE NOT BEEN KNOWING ENOUGH, but I it would not be fair to the child in me to hate myself.

Shoez, somehow you have to reach inside yourself and make up for that abused child, and YOU have the right to do that just as I do myself. I know, it isn't easy and it is sad and angry and confused and often tiring. But that child in you TRUELY DOES DESERVE THAT. You have to forgive whatever you didn't know, and I can see that it is a lot.

Keep going to therapy and letting it out so you can get it all on the table with your therapist shoes, that child in you truely deserves that. Then you have to morn it all and take that child in you, back into you and love it.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[TTUAH]

Hi Shoez

My thoughts and heart go out to you. I wish, through therapy, that you become well enough to experience the love you so deserve. What happened to you was not your fault.

[Purple Heart]

Hi Shoez

I'm sorry you went through that. I had a similar experience as a child. I had to 'parent' myself as a child. It was hard and I felt very lonely because I was neglected. I wish you could do a program that I did last year and will again this Sunday. It has led me to connecting with the inner child and has literally turned my life around - no more depression and no more misery.

[TTUAH]

Hi PurpleHeart

Are you able to elaborate on your program?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shoez

when things were good...it was confusing and i didnt knw how to act
so...
I dont understand anything..
I feel incredibly infantile, yet completely grown up at the same time...

I feel because of neglect....I desperately want to feel loved...but at the same time..love is so scary i dont want anything to do with it.

i m sooo scared.

This is so the truth and this is what everyone in your position needs to deal with. These are the things that you need to work through in therapy. Have you shared these things with your T?

[Mommilady]

Originally Posted by shoez

I
I feel incredibly infantile, yet completely grown up at the same time...

YES - this is how I feel most of the time.