[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

********triggers maybee******* maybe its what they wanted me to think. Maybe not but am i the only one that ever doubts the abuse? Like maybe they were all dreams. The most recent abuse still has visible scars so its harder to deny but as a child, i cant help but think sometimes, that couldnt have been me. I couldnt have went through all of that and feel somewhat sane. I do remember trying to convince myself as a child that some of it was just a dream. I had to think that to survive. But now, i wonder did it ever happen? I know a few of the abusers confessed, but most called me a liar. Even when i had a witness, i was telling lies. Maybe thats why i feel it may be lies now. But do you ever wonder, "did that really happen to me or is it a false memory? It makes me worry about opening up to my t, what if it didnt happen the way i think it did? What if it was just a dream? I couldnt find happiness or function at all if the girl from my memories was actually me

[Open Eyes]

(((Purple)))),

What you are discribing here is VERY COMMON with people who DID suffer childhood abuse. And the reason that happens is that you have to remember that CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW WHAT ABUSE MEANS THERE IS SO MUCH THEY DO "NOT" know.

Often many even stress because they also remember that they even participated in the abuse. BUT IT IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOW AN ADULT AND KNOW WAY MORE THAN THAT CHILD EVER DID THAT YOU WERE. Part of the reason WHY children DO survive abuse is BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.
AND, children develope ways to self sooth inspite of feeling threatened, unsafe, abused and neglected.

Part of the reason why you feel that it could have never happened and question how you could survive is because YOU KNOW MORE AND YOU ALSO SEE CHILDREN AS TRUELY HELPLESS IN SO MANY WAYS. But you didn't have that as a child so as a child you didn't even KNOW WHAT THE WORD ABUSE MEANT, NOT EVEN WHAT MOLESTING MEANT. And YES you were even probably taught that something felt good too. And often that is WHERE TONS OF GUILT COMES FROM TOO, But children DON'T REALLY KNOW ALL THIS, THEY REALLY DONT. Even if a child continues to do this up to their teens. Think about it, they had already been doing it so they really DON'T SEE IT for what it really is, NOT EVEN IN THE TEENS.

And the other thing you have to realize too Purple, when you look back and remember, it is even worse sometimes because NOW THAT WE KNOW WHAT IT IS, it is even MORE upsetting.

This is why you are saying I CANNOT SEE IT AS A CHILD, ONLY AS AN ADULT.

Purple in my own FLASHBACKS, BODY MEMORIES, AND TRACKS OF EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS FROM MY CHILDHOOD, "I DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT EITHER". And the other things I have been reliving? Is I didn't realize how truely stressed and upset and tramatized I was from some things that now I don't see as that tramatic, BUT, I was a child and HAD NO REAL COPING SKILLS OR KNOWLEGE OF WHAT COPING SKILLS EVEN WERE. Children do strange things to compensate for LACK.

No matter WHAT comes forward IT USUSALLY IS TRUE as children do not make things up either. Just put it out on the table in therapy, don't worry or deni yourself.

Also remember that if you were abused by other children THEY ALWAYS DENI AND SAY YOU ARE LYING BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT CHILDREN DO.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

((( Purple))),

It is very difficult to trace back because the lack of knowlege is there from that child. It can get very confusing I hear you, me too.

Often people do NOT want to remember or talk about their childhood because it can be very hard to look at from the eyes of NOW and adult. And there is the risk of allowing the fear and emotional stress that child in you felt. But the only way to HEAL is to address it and learn from it and even forgive whatever is there BECAUSE WHAT EVER IS THERE TRUELY IS NOT THAT CHILDS FAULT.

(((Gentle careing hugs to you Purple))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I have relived my childhood in a very upsetting way, in a way that I could have never imagined really. I have PTSD and to be honest, I thought I had made peace with that part of my life and never did I realize how much my brain had actually storred or even blocked off to protect me.

Recalling CSA is something you have to be patient with and often people can be forced to finally address it because like me they struggle with PTSD. Unfortunately for some reason with PTSD the brain begins to release every upsetting thing that we experienced and it can go all the way back too. One of my own flashbacks goes back to when I was in a crib and in that flashback I don't see who the abuser is and all I see is my crib and in that flashback I am freezing cold and crying like a very scared upset infant. That was my most troubling flashback to be honest because I actually WAS that infant, I could feel her and I never cried so hard in my life and it was so sad. AND, there was NO comforting presense there to help me, how awful.

I have other flashbacks too and they come in pieces and I am SO LITTLE too. I could not believe that my brain would hold onto that. It WAS real, there is no way I could have imagined them and I FELT EVERYTHING TOO.

I talked about some of this in therapy, but like everyone else I didn't want get graphic and I really didn't want to talk about it, IT WAS SO HARD TO JUST SAY IT.
How I DID talk about it is (as I mentioned before) I talked about the subject itself.
And in that I got to hear my therapist talk about it and I learned how much it really happens (so I wasn't alone) and he also talked about how it effects children and adults later on. AND THAT IS FINALLY WHEN I GOT TO SLIP MYSELF IN THERE. Once that part was over it got easier to talk about my early childhood and the sexual abuse as well.

I have always taken the position for myself to find a way to address it as if the grown up in me NEEDS TO LEARN THINGS TO HELP THE CHILD THAT WAS ME AND HURT. So I guess in a way, I was my own mother in therapy. However there were times when the child came through and I did cry and get upset too. But that mother part of me was also very close as well, especially afterwards.

When I look at my troubled childhood, I was molested by both my older siblings. And it was so confusing. But I also had to realize (witch can be hard) that they were children too, although they WERE older and stronger.

When you struggle with feeling guilty or somehow responsible about childhood issues like this go someplace around children and watch them. Children are pretty outgoing and curious can even challenge each other too (which is normal) but they really DON'T understand anything like adults do. Children are really VERY VULNERABLE AND TRUSTING TOO.

So make sure that when you remember your past always remember that YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED. And always remember that we are all designed to experience pleasure from our sexual parts and children find this and do not know what it means really either and it is not unusual for them to wonder if other children can too (remember children are normally curious about everything).

I am very sorry for anyone who was abused as a child, it is very difficult to address and work through, but you CAN make peace with it. Always make sure you see as much as you can and are willing to recognize that YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW BETTER.

The same is true if an adult hurt you. Many adults take advantage of children sadly, IT IS NEVER THE CHILDS FAULT.

And also, children do not know what stess and anxiety means either, they only try to find a way to self sooth and often do some strange things or rituals where they can find comfort.

(((Loving Hugs for all those abused children that are trying to heal))))
Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Youre right open, and so incredibly strong to be so honest and open. You have come a long way from what you went through. I cant admit to some of my past because im not yet that strong. Denial comes so easily, its admitting that seems to give me trouble. There are some things that have come up that i convince myself it had to be a dream. Some if it i was convinced was a dream, only to have someone tell me it actually did happen. Like when i was two i remember being in the car with my brothers, my mom was in the store, my brother got in her seat (he was 5) and the car started to roll, it rolled out into the street and paszing cars slammedon their brakes and were blowing the horn. My other brother thought he had the same dream, only to later find out it wasnt a dream, its what actually happened. Other things much more extreme happened but i convinced myself they were dreams, its easier to think they were just dreams. I remember being in the crib too, the crib shoved in the closet and a rat got into the crib. I wish i could convince myself that was a dream but mom verified that memory telling me she used to find rat poo in my crib when my room was the closet. I alzo remember dad on top of mom with sissors on her neck, he was raaging and my brothers and myself were standing at the door screaming and yelling. That dream was verified by mom too... i dont mention to her or anyone the dreams that ft were truly nightmares, id rather they just stay dreams for now...

I wl write a much better response when i get to work tomorrow. My phone isnt the easiest to work wi th. I wish so much that they were dreams. The day i had my first blackout, i was convinced through my whole childhood it had to be a dream. No way could someone do that to their child and laugh about it. No way someone could be so cruel. I miss the days i could convince myself it was all a lie. That everything was ok. I miss the ignoraance, when something bad would happen i could easily find n excuse why it wasnt so bax. I dont miss being a child but i do miss not knowing, it was much easier thinking thats just the way life is, its h

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Harder knowing that what i experienced was cruelty and anger, its harder knowing itzs true and they were wrong, if i accept that, i have to accept the fact that i was treated unfairly by many whom i am still close with today...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Ive seen the devil disguised in many human bodies. Ive lived hell here on earth too many times to count. Perhaps that is why im so screwed up now.

I dont know if i will ever be ok

[Open Eyes]

(((You will eventually be ok Purple but you will have to finally address it)))

Yes, I long for those days when I thought I was over it or put it in my past. What I have relived is so unpleasant and confusing and I can relate to how it feels because I thought I was close to my sister and now I cannot even hear her voice. But I have to heal and work through it all now.

You CAN get through this, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I hope youre right, hope seems to be far away at the moment. I never understood the term "nervous breakdown" before but now it seems to be creeping in. I just wish i could fall asleep, dream good things and wake up with a different past. Ignorance truly is bliss. If only i could forget, and what i have forgotten, if only the rest within could forget...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you again for all of your wonderful help this week open! I'm on a computer now so I can post a little easier.
Deleted. Paranoid others will see this. I pm'd you the response I deleted open

[Open Eyes]

((((Purple)))),

For a really long time I wrote and deleted posts here in the abuse forum. I wanted to feel comfortable about talking about things but I just could not let things sit.

I can so relate to what you are saying here and I think about that saying all the time, "ignorance is bliss".

When I first came to PC I spent so much time addressing others who struggled. And I seemed so strong, truth be told I had been through a lot and survived. But I could not seem to show that part of me that was hurt. I think I felt no one would believe me either. I thought that if I let things out then I would weaken too. It took me a real long time to talk about it like I have been doing. I think that because I could see other suffering and fearing to talk to, I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE ALONE WITH IT AS I WAS. So I guess more than anything that encouraged me to put myself out here.

And the other thing I noticed after suffering through so many painful memories and flashbacks (and when I say memories what I experienced was way more that just a memory) I felt that terrified child in me, I got to feel what children feel. I began to remember that I always felt that even though I was afraid of my brother, I knew he was suffering too. I could see the suffering and I didn't know how to fix it all, and it caused me so much stress and anxiety.

Getting in touch with our inner child takes time but it is important to see that that child in us was never a bad child or a failure. Often that feeling of failure and even the desire to shut down comes from that child in us that really didn't know what to do about their environment. I really realized that my inner child often did shut down because she just didn't know what to do and there really was no one there to hold me and comfort me, I had to do so much on my own. Children really don't know what to do and it made me very sad. I have never cried so hard in my life because I felt so sad for that child in me. I never realized how frightened and confused she was and also HOW HARD SHE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND with so little life and experience or knowledge behind her.

I guess thats what brought me more courage was that I allowed myself to see her pain and she really could not help it. I think many times we are so hard on ourselves and we forget that we were just children that really had no way of understanding.

So, I figure if I lay myself out there, maybe that will give someone else the courage to do the same. It is one thing to tell people to talk and yet another to talk and say it out loud so they can too.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you open and you are so right. Yesterday my t asked me why i allow the abusers from my past back into my life and try to help them i told him, because i can handle my pain but others arent as strong, i can take it pretty much. He looked at me and said "can you handle it?" At this point i was gnawing on my trembling hands. Obviously i cant take it, but i have to try, i put others in front of myself on a daily basis. So he says "you really have no self worth at all do you?" And i realized he was right. I take pain onto myself to save anyone else from hurting, even if they hurt me in the past. I thought i could handle pain more than them. But what it comes down to really is i make myself into a punching bag because i feel like i deserve it more than even my abusers. So i guess i need to work on loving myself more and sometimes putting myself first. This truly is something very new to me. Something ive never done.

But i cant be that punching bag anymore, willing to take the blows to make others happy. But if/when i do put myself first, i always feel like i was in the wrong and in the short term, the guilt gets to me more than the pain if i would just take it. But while im in the middle of this nervous breakdown, i realize i cant take it anymore.

I dont know if im ready to learn all of my memories yet. I honestly think that until i can learn to love myself, the only thing remembering will do is add to all of this guilt. Right now im just going to try to find some sort of self worth.

[Open Eyes]

((((Purple)))),

You are lot like me. And the reality of that is that the way you are feeling is HOW YOU WERE IMPRINTED AS A CHILD TO FEEL. Always remember that the one thing that is very strong in MOST children IS THE DESIRE TO PLEASE. And with a female child there is always a desire to be nurturing as well. Children often display this by needing and caring for stuffed animals or dolls and they really feel that doll or stuffed animal needs their love as well. And many times small children pick some kind of object that becomes their constant companion that they take everywhere with them.
It could be a blanket or favorite teddy or doll. Usually it is something that is soft that they can cuddle with. But that something in their mind NEEDS THEM AS WELL.

When we address our childhoods it is very important to truely understand THE MINDSET OF A CHILD. If we can do that we can UNDERSTAND WHAT LACKED AND UPSET US as a child and also realize THAT THE CHILD IN US REALLY DIDN'T KNOW SO MANY THINGS.

It is very important to recognize that when you struggle emotionally as you deal with your childhood, in PTSD there are many times where you are actually RELIVING THAT CHILD WHO WAS LOST AND NEGLECTED. When you feel the tremendous loss it is quite a challenge and so many people who were neglected and abused as children, really struggle with so much fear of allowing themselves to address that childhood. It isn't easy to struggle with PTSD because WE DO RELIVE things EMOTIONALLY. It is NOT just a memory.

This feeling of MAYBE IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN? That is VERY common because that child who suffered DID NOT HAVE THE MINDSET OR WORDAGE THAT CAN ACURATELY DISCRIBE THE EMOTIONAL SITUATION THEY WERE IN. And YES some of that INCLUDES disassociation AS children have so few skills to truely address TRAMA.

And the ongoing PROMINENT EMOTIONAL DURESS with ALL WHO SUFFER FROM CHILDHOOD ABUSE is FEELING LIKE THEY FAILED OR SHOULD BE ASHAMED OR PUNISHED OR THAT IN SOME WAY THEY DESERVED TO FEEL THE WAY THEY DID. But always remember THAT IS THE MINDSET OF A CHILD.

One thing that is a GOOD exercise to do is to go to a school and visit the classroom of what a kindergardener would be in or even a first grader. Now, when you do this, what you will see is SMALL DESKS AND CHAIRS AND EVEN OFTEN SMALL CLASS ROOMS. If you COULD go to your own grammer school that even helps more THAT IS WHAT I DID. And what you will see is HOW SMALL EVERYTHING IS, however when you where that age YOU REMEMBER THESE THINGS AS BEING MUCH LARGER, even THE HALLWAYS AND LUNCHROOM LOOKED WAY BIGGER.

Now, this is very important because when someone stuggles with PTSD that goes back to a childhood? A child can be stressed and frightened WAY MORE, ON A GRANDER SCALE then what we are stressed at AS AN ADULT. Sometimes (and this happened to me as well) as we are older now, we can forget how much BIGGER everything was when we were children. And we can go for a long time NOT struggling with our REAL childhood fears because in many ways WE DO ADAPT. But then what can happen even YEARS later is we can be simply raising our own child and then SUDDENLY BEGIN TO EXPERIENCE THAT OWN VERY TROUBLED CHILD IN OURSELVES. And as this begins to happen we can even experience flashbacks and it comes to such a surprise that at first we are totally confused as to WHY it is happening.

When PTSD begins to get stronger and present us with MORE confusing feelings and REAL desires to WITHDRAW and even a strong sense of FEAR OR INADEQUACY, we can begin to GET REALLY CONCERNED AND FEARFUL AND CONFUSED. And when the ANXIETY OF THAT CHILD STARTS TO COME TO THE SURFACE? We can get scared and as we begin to fill with the anxiety within that memory of that child, we can react with MORE anxiety that CAN ACTUALLY FLOOD OUR BRAINS WITH CORTIZOL in ADDITION TO THE CORTIZOL CREATED BY THE ANXIETY OF THAT FLASHBACK OF EMOTIONAL MEMORY ALREADY TAKING PLACE so we can become VERY DIBILITATED.

Now, this is where THERAPY and LEARNING COPING METHODS AND SELF SOOTHING METHODS becomes VERY IMPORTANT. And it is also VERY, VERY HELPFUL to realize that when we experience these very troubling memories and they are NOT just memories either, they all have a duration time. And for me, SOMETIMES THAT WAS ALL DAY. BUT, they do END and they DO JUST NEED TO RUN THEIR COURSE.
And it isn't always easy to CONTROL THEM because often you cant, you just have to be patient with them. God I wish I was told this!!!!! Well, the best thing to do is realize that yes, something needs to come out and be expressed AND IT IS NOT REALLY HAPPENING NOW EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE IT IS. Be as patient as you can and make sure you are in a SAFE place as well. And REALIZE that it will end and that IT MAY TIRE YOU OUT FOR A DAY OR TWO AFTERWARDS. BUT, each time this happens IT MEANS SOMETHING and IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO PUNISH YOU, what needs to take place is this has to slowly come to the conscious mind where you can identify it and eventually remember it and see what took place that presented this emotional issue you experienced as a child.

Now, REMEMBER, always REMEMBER, that classroom and how small it is as you see it now, but it was NOT like that when you were small. The SAME is true with these emotional things that come forward AS CHILDREN CAN BE MORE UPSET BECAUSE SOMETHING IS THREATENING OR CONFUSING THEM SO IT CAN SEEM BIGGER AND MORE UPSETTING than you might see it as an adult. However, also keep in mind that somethings may not have been AS UPSETTING to that child AS THEY MIGHT UPSET YOU AS YOU REMEMBER IT TOO. We often wonder HOW WE SURVIVED certain things, but it is important to remember WHAT CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW ABOUT EITHER. A sexual act my not be AS bad to a child as THEY DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS the way we do as adults.

Patience, patience, patience is VERY IMPORTANT when trying to address PTSD that involves your childhood. Self LOVE AND CARE IS VERY IMPORTANT ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT. And working through things little by little and allowing yourself to slowly give yourself PERMISSION TO LAY WHATEVER COMES FORWARD ON THE TABLE WITH YOUR T is something you have to TRY to allow yourself to do. YES, it is hard to do that, but if you CAN DO THAT?, you will finally get to the point where everything is there for you and your T to address and FINALLY take that constant struggle that PTSD presents that TIRES YOU OUT AND HOLDS YOU BACK "AWAY". Eventually, even though it is painful and hard during the process, you will finally be able to see it and as you do, YOU WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM the PTSD symptoms that create you to be full of anxiety and confusion.

There is a definite process to TRAMA AND RECOVERY and the first part of getting the tramas or troubling childhood event out is the hardest. After that comes the part that is so needed and deserved, THE GRIEVING PROCESS. And the final stage IS FINALLY AGAIN ACTUALLY BEING ABLE TO ONCE AGAIN, EVEN BETTER THAN BEFORE, THRIVE AGAIN.

One of the biggest things I had to realize about my own struggle with my childhood PTSD memories? I did not have a soothing kind loving presence that I needed to have. So I had to be very understanding and careful and MAKE SURE I DID THAT FOR MYSELF. HENSE, SELF SOOTHING AND LOVE is CRUCIAL. And ALLOWING YOURSELF TO GET SUPPORT AND COMFORT FROM T AND EVEN HERE AT PC. IS VERY GOOD AS WELL. Establishing a SAFE environment is VERY IMPORTANT while working through PTSD. And if you have a husband or are around others THIS SHOULD REALLY BE EXPLAINED TO THEM as well. I did NOT have this and that was very wrong, PEOPLE WHO STRUGGLE WITH PTSD MUST AND DO DESERVE TO HAVE A SAFE SUPPORTIVE UNDERSTANING ATMOSPHERE. PTSD sufferers do not respond well to unsafe atmospheres at all. It just aggrivates the disorder and they DO DESERVE TO have a SAFE place to HEAL.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes