Friend who is a User

I have gone through lots of emotional abuse and neglect by my narcisstic mother since a child to my adulthood. Now I have distant myself from her for 2 years and its getting way better already with all the books Im reading and my healing process.theres no theraphy available where I am. (im describing the situation here)...
I have a friend, she claims shes my best friend whom Ive known while i was still suffering abuse and I tend to have made bad choices with friends then due to my unclear mind and trauma. she's still around but its a very one- sided, lop-sided friendship. I help her, I listen to her and I cheer her up. I now see her pattern as I always feel 'low and heavy' after spending time with her. Im trying to distant myself from her and Im not ready to severe the friendship ties..Shes very opinionated and has so much pride. I never share my secrets as she shares whatever people tell her and loves to gossip. I feel that she has negative traits of a domineering, controlling , manipulative woman like my mother and thats why I like her or rather attracted to her on a 'subconscious level'. I tried telling her about the abuse but she judged me unfairly and we never talk about that anymore.
Does this happen to any of you, selecting the smilar bad characteristics of our abuser in friends? What shall I do now that I've identified it plus I like her still as we also share laughter and mutual friends we've made over the years.Can you please advise me ? Thanks

Ive been there, its fairly common for abuse survivors and a big cudose for you in solving that puzzle piece without a t. You are right in cutting back on the friendship as she doesnt sound like a healthy friend. Ive been in that situation and i just slowly cut that friend out, start finding other friends and more and more when she calls, tell her you have plans. Try to make the friendship more on the phone or online. It worked for me. But it is imperative for abuse survivors to rid themselves of the negative relationships to be able to heal. Maybe not completely get rid of her but until you are more comfortable, id suggest spending less time with her

First of all, very good insight to figure this out!! Yes, I have done this too. I also had/have a narcissistic mother and I found myself catering to narcissistic people without even realizing it.

I think that you will be able to figure this one out because you certainly have done well with it this far. Just remember to meet your needs and stand up for yourself and go from there.

Keep us posted?

I agree with the others. She sounds pretty toxic -- if you feel worse after spending time with her, it's pretty important to spend MUCH less time with her, and in fact to get RID of her as a "friend." I'm sure you can find someone else who is much better for you.

And good for you for recognizing that she's a negative influence!

I wish you the very best! Take care of yourself! God bless. Hugs, Lee

I've had to shed friendships over the years as they have been toxic. Now I surround myself with positive people. Lifes too short.

hi happy,

I think I've only just met you when you left a message on my wall. Sorry if we have met before, I have memory problems, so please don't take it personally.

Men'n'black also mentioned how he is drawn? to people like his abusers, on my PTSD thread -I think the might be tucked away in survivors of abuse forum. I have said a few things about recreating our situations of trauma there, but I also think it is also about following an childhood "imprint" and with what we are familiar. It takes a lot to start feeling comfy with the reality of our life being so different to our deeply engrained perceptions of the world. My mother was awful, regardless of dx, and like you, I attract disrespectful takers. No matter what I do as soon as I trust someone, they morph into my damn mother!!! It's like she haunts me, inside, outside, all around. That is why I am doing the workbook, to try to move through some of this stuff. I've also started counselling.

To answer your question though. Deliberately make appointments with yourself, and learn how to become more self-full and even independent so you are self-sufficient so you aren't as likely to hold on to toxic people for any longer than is good for you. Yes, that is the ideal... it takes hard work... but hopefully some of us will get that golden state of being in time.

Hugs,

Jade

Hi Jade (lovely name)
I love your advise...Im not leaning on her at all . I do want her out of my life but it will be a 'velcro tear' as I know most of her family and they invite us over for Xmas etc etc. I like her family (her cousins and aunts BUT not her and her sisters )I want to keep her at arms lenght. My problem I see its that I feel sorry for her as shes such a lonely woman. I invite her for dinner once in a while as shes sooo lonely. That will cut down soon too as I dont enjoy her conversations (shes never read a book in her life) and her gossip! I have a bunch of friends i see often and we grow and expand.I dont lean on anyone as I have a strong religious belief and theres just 'one' I lean on. Im in the process of 'weeding out' some (3-5 ) toxic "good friends" whom Ive made when I was under the 'spell'. Not anymore. But one thing I noticed about me is ' Im not very nice to these toxic people and feel that I probably react to their energy" with others friends Im my kind and considerate self.
Theres no theraphy where I live ( overseas).I wonder what your workbook is like and if I can find something online. I thank you for your valuable advise.