[coldwutlulz]

I guess this could go into ptsd but I'll put it on here. I may have to make a series of posts. Anyhow, I knew that I was different. I wasn't really a happy child. I felt split off from others. I used to have lots of headaches and stomachaches for no apparent reason. I remember in kindergarden I thought some They had somehow been poisoning my milk. I drank anyway because I thought I deserved to die. My mom was very emotional. She screamed a lot at us kids. I do have a fear of being yelled at and abandonment cuz she used to threaten to leave us. The rest will be cont. in just a bit.

[coldwutlulz]

I don't feel a connection to my mom. Around 1st grade my mom was cheating on my dad. She had the affair for years. That man sexually abused me for years. I wasn't his 1st victim. I think my mom knew about the others so she went to ask me about. I didn't tell her what he was doing to me. i didnt understand what she was asking at that time. she breaks out the affair, I tell and then i get some counseling. Cont. in a bit.

[Open Eyes]

(((Hugs)))

We are listening, this is good for you to just let out if you can. I have some very troubling childhood memories myself. The more I figure out that more control I get over that past, but I do not have it all figured out yet.

Just go ahead and share, it will be good for you.

Open Eyes

[Gr3tta]

I am so sorry you experienced this. I hope it helps you feel better to be able to talk about it. You're being very brave!

[coldwutlulz]

Thanks. Both of you. Anyhow, continuing from my last post, I dislike being alone with a male in a room. If one of my male teachers asks me to stay behind or such, I grow distrusting and can't wait to get out. I am also suspicious of people giving me compliments. I think that they're just trying to fool me, and than later talk behind my back. I am also suspicious of compliments/people doing nice things for me because I think that they want something in return.

I used to have nightmares of that man. They are less frequent now, thankfully. I can think about the abuse without any emotion. Or I feel icky. I get anxious or mad for no apparent reason, then the feelings pass. My flashbacks tend to be more emotional in nature. I remember a few weeks ago I was having a ton of flashbacks.

Around 2nd or 3rd grade, maybe before that, I noticed that my surrounding seemed distant and foggy. My life felt unreal. That feeling is still there, and it extended into my body feeling foreign to me. I often have a hard time knowing if I actually did something, or if I just thought I did.

I am a bit afraid of my mom but I don't really respect her. She "discipline" me, so I should be thankful for it. I should respect because she is the parent. Even if she doesn't act like one and she often throws tantrums when things don't go her way.

I feel broken, and I feel as if I lack a sense of self. Some days, it feels like I am regressing into a child. It's funny, I am almost an adult, but I don't feel like one.

Well that's it for now. I just needed to get my thoughts out.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by coldwutlulz

I used to have nightmares of that man. the abuse

Around 2nd or 3rd grade, maybe before that, I noticed that my surrounding seemed distant and foggy. My life felt unreal. That feeling is still there, and it extended into my body feeling foreign to me. I often have a hard time knowing if I actually did something, or if I just thought I did.

You probably dissociated during the abuse so this is why things felt distant, foggy, and unreal.

Originally Posted by coldwutlulz

Some days, it feels like I am regressing into a child.

If you are having a lot of flashbacks this would cause you to feel like this ^.