[2or3things]

*********Trigger Warning for Discussion of CSA********









Hi everyone--

So, I have a really embarassing, potentially stupid question...

Until recently, I've believed for years that I remembered all the episodes of CSA that happened when I was a kid. Now, however, it seems like more than I remembered may have happened. It's difficult to accept and I feel like I'm making it up because I don't have all the details. Still, I'm trying to be open to whatever the facts turn out to be.

Anyway, about the time I started having new memories, I also started getting odd/sharp pains. (This is SO embarassing!) They're only occasional, and maybe it's just cramps or gas or goodness knows what. Still, the timing is striking. (Hopefully y'all get my point about what it feels like w/out my having to say anything more.) They've come at a variety of times, but definitely when I've been having shadowy memories.

So, I guess my question is whether any of you have had physical "memories" or something like that. Do you know what I mean? (Sorry...this is completely humiliating, but I'm really NOT inclined to go to a Dr. unless I absolutely have to, and so far it hasn't been debilitating for more than a moment or two, and fairly infrequently.)

Thanks for anything you can say. Especially if it's not "you're a total freak!"

[athena.agathon]

I understand about it being completely humiliating. I'm not a huge self-discloser myself and this kind of thing is embarrassing for everybody. So, no, you're not a total freak! And this is not a stupid question.

I'm assuming by the way that you phrase your question that you do remember incidences of CSA. So it certainly is likely that more than what you remember happened. Aside from it all being scary and overwhelming for a child, little kids forget regular things all the time. I lived in another state for a year when I was four, and I remember the second half (living at my grandparent's house) but not the first (living in an apartment with my parents); I was just really young, so all of that is hazy.

I don't think you should accept living with pain. I do think you should go to a doctor to rule out physical reasons for it. I don't like the idea of a random stranger up in my hoo-ha either, but you don't want it to be something physical that you can take care of.

And the answer to your last question is yes. It tends to be when I think about things that happened, or when I'm (trying) to get it on. And I know from extensive, obsessive reading that other people get "body memories," too...

So it's possible that the pain is related to the memories. But you should go to the doctor and make sure that it's not physical; take care of yourself! Even if it a physical problem, that doesn't mean your memories are not real. Or that the pain isn't being exacerbated by the memories.

I started getting horrible pains across my back and legs while listening to another person describe his abuse. My T assured me it was pretty normal, the body stores memories of pain and abuse, and I was not a freak. You are also not a freak.

[2or3things]

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate your replies, and it's really nice to hear that it's not completely unexpected. Not pleasant, but at least not completely alien. Argh!

[Perna]

I would still get the pain checked out, make sure there is not something wrong now; would be a shame to find later that the pain was from now, even if the memories were not. Just tell the doctor about the pain, not what you think it may be from, see if s/he can find something. If they ask, do tell them you were abused but don't go into detail, just say you would rather not talk about it.

There could be scars or any number of problems that could have gotten worse as you have grown/matured and be just now presenting themselves since you are working on your abuse in therapy. They don't have to be "phantom" just because you are working on the past; thoughts and memories may wander around in our heads and be suppressed, etc. but our actual body has a mind of its own :-)

I hope you feel better soon.

[Sannah]

The term is "body memories".

[Honeybun]

I have mysterious pains that I have had since I was a child. I have had every test imaginable without any conclusions. The pains come and go over the years and have recently returned when certain topics came up in therapy. I finally mentioned them to my therapist even though they are very embarrassing. Not once did a doctor ask me if I was touched or hurt by someone. Shameful. Another example of society not wanting to know the truth (IMO).