The neighbor's kid (possible trigger)

I live in a housing complex and all the houses are fairly close together. We have had problems with the neighbor's kid bullying my son. This child is an obese 11 year old with a very mean streak. We have tried to take it up with his parents, but they back their son up.

This child spent an entire school vacation in my house, eating my food, playing my son's play station, playing with my son's toys, only to tell my son when the school vacation was over that WE used HIM (???).

The bullying has become silent taunting and most recently stealing my son's toys through our front gate. My son (only 8 years old) has handled the whole thing very well and courageously asked for the stolen toy back. Amidst much name calling, the toy was eventually thrown back (straight into the face of my mother).

Anyway - the point of all of this ... this child has been "playing" just outside his front gate over the last few days which is clearly visible from my kitchen. He stares and stares at me. He actually even stood with his hands on his hips looking at me. I did the same back and he turned away. Last night became too much though and I closed my kitchen blinds and door, which I never do. If he does it again later today, I shall ask if I can assist him.

Back to the point .. this child, all of 11, reminds me so much of my ex-husband right before a beating. His beady, mean eyes with that stare make me shudder and feel so afraid in my own home. It has resulted in a lot of 'memories' of the times my ex would beat me, the look in his eyes before his fist .........

I am becoming more and more afraid of this child. My husband, of course, thinks I am being silly - but then he doesn't realize the extent of the abuse I suffered, nor can he comprehend that a child is bringing these feelings back.

I have a secure front garden that my son loves playing in and I find I want to call him in if the other child is 'out there'.

I feel stupidly afraid!

well, its not your fault for wanting to protect your son from the horrors you faced. what you need to realize is that this child is nothing more than ... well, a child. i know it scares you more than anything, but you need to stand up for yourself, by calling this child out, becuz if you dont stand up to this child .. u will find more and more people that remind you of him, i believe that you can stand up to him. good luck

You know. . .I belive I'd make another telephone call to his parents. This time, I think I'd attempt to persuade them to convince their child to quit terrorizing your child, as well as attempting to intimidate you. I am not sure where you live, but we live in GA, and here that kind of intimidation is actually against the law. One of our neighbors had a similar problem (although not with a child) with another neighbor who would come out of their apartment and stare her down. . .this went on for months, until she finally went to the police. We were all surprised to find the police could (and DID) actually inform the woman that she WOULD comply with non-threatening behavior or she would go to jail. Yay! Score one for the good guys. So. . .you have options, I'm sure. I doubt it will go this far, but don't back down whatever you do. We might have been victims before. . .but don't let a fat, mean kid victimize you now.

I dont think your being silly at all...Unfortunately Im not so great at standing up to people. But you know what. Dont take any $hit from an 11 year old...You know how peple are. Once they know they can push you around they do it forever..

Thank you everyone. I HAVE stood up to him. And I have been to his parents. They laugh at me. Unfortunately, where I am from, the police do not get involved in domestic disputes.
After I posted this, I became so angry at this child for screaming outside my house that I confronted him again. And I am quite formiddable when angry.
Anyway - my husband - seeing my anger last night - is going to take the matter further.

I have now decided that I am far too angry at this kid to be afraid of him.

Thanks for the support.

I am not being mean when I say this about this kid but he sounds..unbalanced ....and his family seems to be off too...I have no advice..I would be very mad I wish your cops were better on this. Do you have anything like our child protective services..you could call in concerned on him and a visit from officals may help his folks get in line and keep him away

Hugs

I agree the kid is not balanced. What saddens me is that a lot of this is not his fault but rather the example his parents have set for him.
The case is not "severe" enough to call our child welfare as he is being "looked after". (They have been called before).

It is all quite sad! But as long as I do not allow myself to fear him as I originally posted, I am in control of *my* situation.

It can be really hard for adults who have been bullied either when they were children or as an adult to deal with kids who intimidate and bully. Remember that you are an adult, so you have the real power here. I hope that this child can learn better ways of interacting with people, although I know it isn't your responsibility to teach him. Maybe you can set an example though. If you don't, then who will? Kids who act like that have learned it somewhere, and inside they feel vulnerable and feel a need to act tough and make other people feel vulnerable in order to make themselves feel better.

Here are some tips for dealing with bully behavior, both for the bully and for the victim. I'll let you sort out what might help you, and maybe if you could pass any of it along to the neighbor boy and/or his parents. One of my favorite statements is the quote about the best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend. There's a lot more too if you want to look through it.

http://www.angriesout.com/bullyb.htm

Rap

Thank you Rapunzel - I will certainly have a look!

Hi Sabrina,
I didn't see this thread yesterday. I just wanted you to know that I understand. I was knocked about by my dad and bullied by my classmates. Seeing my children intimidated or bullied was always a huge trigger for me too. I'm glad you are standing the little snot down!
take care
~p

I wonder what this 11 year old is going to be like as a 15 year old. Or an 18 year old. Scary.

Yes, it is an alarming thought. Thankfully, we will have moved by then.

Thank you Praxis. I agree that seeing our kids being hurt in any way, particularly bullying is such a trigger.

Take care!

Sounds like this kid needs help big time. Sounds like his parents need help big time. I'm glad your moving. Otherwise my suggestion would be to involve other neighbors in finding a solution.

I heard recently that other neighbours have called our child welfare in the past due to the lengthy durations that the child was left at home alone. And that was a couple of years ago.

We have never heard anything untoward from this household, and have only seen the bullying described in this thread, but I can say, that if I were to see ANYTHING that led me to believe this child was being abused, I would not hesitate to call the authorities and see it through to the end!

I also learned today that this child cornered my son yesterday and called my Mom a granny's **** to my son. WAR!!

My husband and I are going to approach the parents again. Whatever they say, namecalling of my family is not acceptable. I will fight to protect my little family. They are all I have.

Even if I feel afraid in the deepest parts of me - there IS NO WAY I can allow an 11 year old to awaken these feelings.

I am determined to stand my ground. I will not be afraid. I can't be afraid. Last night's dreams proved that.

I am strong I am strong I am strong ............

Well, over the last few days this child has been playing outside our front gate and purposely staring at me, banging, screeching and singing "it's time to die" and things like that. We have consistently ignored him as we have not wanted to give him the satisfaction of us noticing. (Me, feeling so triggered, in particular).

I was alone at home today and his beady-eyed stare got too much for me. I grabbed the camera and started recording him and narrating what I was doing. He backed off but kept popping his head out to look at me.
This happened three more times when I decided to go right up to the front gate and record him from there. I was barely out the door when I slipped back into his own garden. And I caught it all on camera.

I don't intend to do anything with the recordings but it was satisfaying that
I haven't seen him again today.

That was an excellent idea...I would do it all the time I bet it will break him of that

Modern tehcnology, excellent idea. The unbiased witness. Good job. Maybe he'll think twice in the future.

Hello Sabrina, I am sorry for your troubles. I do domestic violence work... a word of caution.... be careful how you photogragh minor children. The parents seem as troubled as the child..... they could turn it around on you. I would call the youth division at your local police dept. Have them do something they can have a chat with the whole family before it escalates into something bad..... Your son is too young for this type of abuse. And you don't need the added aggravation.
Lilith

I appreciate your response Lilith. However, we do not have a youth division within our police department. Police, as a general rule, do not respond willingly or very quickly to domestic (even if violent) issues. Our local child welfare are also very complacent. It is extremely frustrating.

As for video recording this child's actions - I see it as proof that I am being harrassed by this adult-child.

This child has alienated himself from every single kid in the neighborhood. I feel so sad for him despite my anger.

I will heed your warning though, and exercise extreme caution.

I have run in to my fair share of bullies and it is one of those things in life that I honestly belive sucks the Spirit straight from a person, adult or child. This type person starts to see if you will allow yourself to be bullied, and it is so hard not to. I have been told over and over again to ignore this problem, now as an adult I see how hard it is to deal with them but they will just move on to the next person if I ignore them or continue to act out towards me. I am proud of you for stranding up. I hope we can all be that strong.
We each deserve to live our lives un intimidated, abused or bullied!

Rachel I am proud of each of you!!!