terrible loss, loss of love

My aunt didn't love me

My aunt didn't love me.

My aunt didn't love me.

she was not what I thought she was.

she was not what I thought she was.

she was not what I thought she was.

my aunt committed inc on me.

my aunt committed inc on me.

my aunt committed inc on me.

she hated me

she hated me

she hated me

I have been spending many sleepless nights and many painful days now coming to terms with all this now.

My aunt abused me, she did not want me, she did not love me, she was not what I thought she was.

G8d it hurts so bad.

I am so tired.

From not sleeping.

Last night, I kept waking up crying and weeping and having these sad sad, scary dreams.

Billi

I am going to reply to myself.

"Billi, you hold on...you're going to be okay..."

PC'ers, you can send me a thank you or a hug if you want, esp if you don't know what to say.

I don't need any profound words, just acknowledgement.

thanks,

Billi

I have a special aunt and she was like my second mother. She abused me. But i continued to try and get her to love me. I am 50 and she is 84. My mother died 32 years ago. I finally decided to let go. Im done trying. Im grieving and dream alot about my abusive family. I cry it hurts. I deserve better. I did nothing to warrant the abuse. Im scarred. A big hug to you.

billi, it sounds like you are grieving and this is an important thing to do. If you grieve it can pass.

Billi, sometimes as children we need to believe that family members (abusers) act as they do because of love. Or we believe what they are doing is love. Children need to feel loved and looked after. Sometimes viewing their actions (abuse) any other way is just too much for young minds to cope with.
If this is what you did - believed all your life that her abuse of you was love - then it is going to hurt to see it from a different perspective. It is going to hurt to 'unlearn' that it was 'love' and see it for the abuse that it was. It is going to shake parts of your world view upside down.

It's so important though. Hang in there through the turmoil and the pain. You are recreating yourself, and it's worth it, and it's real. Hang in there. Your aunt abused you, and it's so important to face that for what it was.

It will set you free.

thanks everyone.

so much.

I am sleeping a tiny bit better cause I aired it.

B.

billi leli,

Your post reminds me of my experience with my aunt. I loved her more than I loved my mother. She was my everything. I spent all possible time with her, avoiding the chaos at home ~ and putting myself in dangerous positions by spending more time with her and my sexually abusive uncle in-law.

Lots of self blame attached to this whole relationship! I just want you to know how much I can relate to your feelings of resentment and hurt. After all, you trusted your aunt. She should have had your best interests in mind, rather than her own dark ideals. It hurts to look back upon these experiences that went on and on for years, I know. You're in my thoughts.

Very best wishes to you!

Billi .. I feel for you.. you are never alone

thanks for your continued supportive words.

B.

Hey Billi.

I do hope things go well for you, and that you can achieve peace in spite of your aunt's abuse. I will keep you in my prayers.