Rape or not rape?

My husband says my rape story isn't rape. Can I have someone else's opinion please?

I was 15 and he was 19. The first time we had sex was because he heard me talking to one of my friends about losing my virginity. He said he didn't like virgins because "they are dead ****s." So, of course feeling I had to prove myself and to make sure I was doing it right I had sex with him. And he kept "letting" me practice on him. Even though I was dating his friend and he was dating mine, he was willing to help me out.
Anyways, I had sex with him about 20 times or so in a month (at 15 that's quite a bit). The day of the rape (?) I had just gotten back together with his friend and the day before he told me I was his "object of lust" but he didn't love me like he loved his girlfriend. But we were still hanging out and when he dragged me to our spot I told him I didn't want to have sex. After his pleading I conceded to making out and touching, but suddenly he was going to far. I said stop and no and tried to push him away, until finally I gave up. I waited for him to finish and then left the room.

When he finally came out he was sooo upset. He kept saying over and over I can't believe I raped you. So, me being as worthless as I am, told him just because I said no didn't mean it was rape. I told him he didn't rape me and everything was okay. Later, of course, it bothered me. How could it not? I mean it wasn't violent or a stranger, but still... It bothers me. Should it, though? I mean, is my husband right? Is this not really rape?

Hi there. I hope I can be of some help.

Firstly, simply for the record if nothing else, his comment about virgins is absolute and utter BS...I realize that has little to do with your question, and thus I apologize, but I had to get that off my chest. That is heartlessly cruel, ignorant, vile...etc.

But to answer your question...I do believe so. Personally, I am of the train of thought that anything after you saying "no" is against your will, and thus rape. It's perhaps not the "classic stereotype" of it, but you said no, and he proceeded to do it anyway. That, as I call it, is rape. I am sorry.

Additionally, and I again apologize that it isn't in direct response to your question, with respect to your husband, what input does he have to qualify what is and isn't rape? Even if a court of law were to uphold that what happened to you isn't rape (which while I'm not a lawyer yet, I'd say you have a case), and thus end the "technicality" of if it is or isn't, it's still based on your language upsetting to you, and the semantics shouldn't matter...if it bothers you, he should be there to help you through it, not argue definitions.

I do apologize that I meandered in and out of your question, and I ask your forgiveness there. I felt as though it had to be said though.

I hope I was of some help, and I wish you my best. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

My best,
Harley

Its rape of a minor and he could have gone to jail because you were 15

I think sometimes for all sorts of reasons it is easier to believe that an action was not rape, at least at the time - it is only later with maturity that we view it as an adult would and not as a 15 year old girl would. What you describe does sound like sex without consent which by definition is rape - but I also agree you were a minor and IMO that alone makes his actions abusive.

The fact you said no means it was rape.

You said no he proceeded anyway.

There are several responses in this situation
Fight
Flight
Freeze

Sounds like you froze. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You must have subconsciously have known that he would continue with or without your consent so your brain froze.

Sorry

Thank you all for your thoughts. Even though it's 10 years after the fact, it's still a big issue in my life. All things are supposed to heal with time, but with something like this I'm really starting to wonder...

Anytime a woman says no, the sex is non consensual. The idea of him telling you that you were "practicing " on him is a lot of rubbish. At age 15.you are not responsible. Even if it were "consensual" on your part it would still be statutory rape, since he was under 18

I had something somewhat similar happen when I was 14. The guy was my brother's friend who was 21 at the time. I didn't want to do it but he of forced me into it. Tying me to the bed and raping me. When I was crying afterward he kept telling me that he was making me into a real woman. A lot or rubbish that has cause me all kinds of emotional heartache since.

Because someone older and more powerful conned you into something doesn't change the facts.

I know it was statutory rape. Even then I did. But my parents knew I was having sex with him and they didn't do anything about it. I thought if they didn't do anything it didn't matter or it wasn't a real law or something. And I never told them about the rape because I didn't want to get an "I told you so" And for years because of all this I assumed they didn't love me or care. And it all snowballed into depression, cutting, and suicide attempts. So, I'm not sure what's worse; the actual rape or the snowballed effects. Either which way I'm broken.

And on a side note, the guy has legally changed his name to Vlaad Diablo Impaler. He's alos in prison for 6-8 years for "sexual assault of a child" And I seriously blame myself for whatever happened to that child too

I don't think you can blame yourself Rose...you couldn't have feasibly known this was going to happen. You can't blame yourself for the actions of another person. I'd submit to you anyone who thinks it is a good idea to change their name to Vlad Diablo Impaler (Vlad and Impaler from Vlad Tepes Dracul III, aka "Vlad the Impaler," one of history's cruelest rulers and Diablo meaning devil...really? ) is very much a sick puppy. You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions anymore than you can for his..."charming"...taste in names. He is the one who is sick here. Not you.

I don't think your parents didn't act because they didn't care Rose. I think, in a way, they never pressed charges for statutory out of concern, odd as that may seem now. To have your personal life dredged up in court, be it out of disdain for him or to get you out of that situation, is very difficult to deal with in and of itself. I think that particular failure to act was simply out of them not knowing how to act. I do think that they should've done something, sure, but I don't think it's that they don't love you.

Don't let it snowball Rose. Certainly don't let it get you down to the point of suicidal thoughts. Suicide only cheats yourself out of the opportunity for things to get better, you know? I would advise you to seek a therapist if you feel like you're having those thoughts. They can help deal with the emotions lingering from this, and help you overcome them.

Please know you are in my prayers, and I wish you nothing but my best.

Sincerely,
Harley

Thank you, Harley. I appreciate ALL of your thoughts and advice and I wish I could have had it 10 years ago when I started rolling the snowball, lol. At this point in my life I'm okay. I've been depressed lately and I'm not sure why. And when I get depressed I think about all the things I normally supress.

After my rape my self esteem plumetted (sp?). The shell that was left began a horrible journey. I discovered self injury by accident. I thought I was crazy and didn't realize anyone had ever been there before. And since that wasn't enough to help me cope with my life either I tried to kill myself. Somehow I managed to convince my doctors AND my parents that it was an accident. I had such a bad headache that I didn't realize how my excedrin I took. Ha! But they believed it, which is another reason I thought they didn't care. It was sooo obvious what I had done.

Anyways, after that my self injury got worse and resulted in another suicide attempt. This time it was obvious I needed help. So, I did. I quit cutting and "got over it"
So many things changed in my life. I moved out of my parents, lost touch with all my friends, got married, and had two kids. I have a completely different life now. And I'm fine, really. But sometimes I get upset for no reason. Not because of PMS or any certain event. I just get depressed and all I can think about is hurting myself.

But I don't want to die. I just want to find a way to get out of my head and most of all I want to forget how good it feels to hurt myself.

I understand Rose. SI is an extremely hard habit to kick...I've never done it myself, but a very close friend of mine went through it, and I've seen how hard it is to kick. It's not easy, and it does like to sort of "flare up" alongside the bad times. That is normal of it. I do still maintain that the best thing you could do would be to see a therapist. The key is going to be confronting and overcoming the emotions that bring you down. The desire to SI isn't the problem. It's only a symptom of the problem. On the bright side, it is a problem that can be fixed.

I still don't think your parents don't care Rose. Yes, it must've seemed obvious to you given what you were feeling at the time and you knowing your own motives, but that information isn't going to be necessarily known to them. To be honest, had I been there when you had told them it was a excedrin overdose, I likely would've believed you. With no underlying information, I think they wouldn't have had too much of a reason to doubt your word.

But on the bright side, look how far you've come. You've gotten past your past, and you have a family of your own now. That says something! So what happened to you didn't beat you. You soundly beat it. To keep with the boxing analogy, you're just still feeling some of the bruises from the fight, is all. I think that facing these feelings with a therapist is the best thing you can do for yourself, and I think you'll be able to at last put the past at rest.

I hope I was of some help Rose. I'll be checking back in as soon as I see new posts. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

My best,
Harley

I don't think I can do the therapy thing right now. I don't have insurance or money being the main reasons. The other stupid reasons, or probably more accurately defined as excuses, are that I'm scared to tell my husband about my feelings and I know I'd be scared to tell a therapist about my feelings. I just keep thinking if I say any of this out loud someone will call me crazy and take away my kids. That's one of my worst fears. Hell, it took me years before I'd even drink alcohol because of being scared someone will come to my door, call me a drunk, and take my kids. Part of me knows it's irrational, but the other part just says it's cautiousness and normal.

And also, I know my parents care about and love me now. Slowly, but surely, I've come to realize and witness their warmth, love, pride, and respect. They think my family is wonderful and perfect. And I don't want to lose any of that either by admitting I have a problem.

Thanks again for your insight

Well, I certainly do understand that. I do believe there are a couple of options there as far as finances and a therapist goes, but that's outside my realm of experience. I hope someone else can comment on that.

But please...I don't think there's any reason to be afraid of talking about how you feel (lol and certainly nothing wrong with the odd beer ), especially with your husband. I confess, I am still a little upset that he would doubt your story, but you have nothing at all to fear regarding someone calling you crazy. He may be scared for you, ad he might be worried for you, but I don't think he's going to call you crazy. And bless your heart, no one is going to take your children from you unless you can clearly demonstrate that they are in danger...and believe me when I say you've nothing to fear in that respect.

You're very welcome for what limited insight I can give. I do hope I was of some help, and God bless.

Hugs,
Harley

As for the question if it is rape or not.

The 19 year old is over the adult age of 18. Therefore the 15 year old is under the age. Willingly or Not if the 15 year old says yes or no. It is rape, if you live in the United States of America.

This is only of what I know.

It's rape... Don't let your husband convince you that's it's anything but rape... Most people are raped by people they know... Statistical fact... Not a scary person in an alley waiting to jump out and rape... Not saying that you said that, but some people think that just because it's from someone that they know, it's not really rape... The guy that raped you ignored you telling him "no" and kept going... You let him start, but you didn't want him to finish and he did... He had a guilty conscious because he knew he was wrong... A teenager knows it, so should your husband... I hope he isn't beeing insensitive with you... Your husband that is...I'm sorry this happened to you...

Exactly... Statutory rape... Not sure why her husband doesn't understand that... He was an adult legally, she wasn't...

Exactly... Her husband is suppose to be her partner and support her... Why would he basically call her a liar? That would be hurtful to me... When a survivor of abuse speaks about what happened to them, it's already hard enough to get them to open up and admit those things... Insult to injury when family or your spouse calls you a liar... To the poster, if you can, maybe have your husband read some of these comments....

I don't want to show my husband this entire site....for now. I'm really trying to get over this bout of depression without telling him, or anyone for that matter. I hate it when people look at me like I'm going to break or I'm sick or something. I will admit my marriage isn't the most healthy relationship, but I love him.
When I get like this I remember events and comments that happened years ago and feel that today is the day to spend psycho analyzing them.
I get it, it was rape. I knew it was rape, but I thought maybe I knew wrong, lol. And I thought maybe I was being overdramatic or something. Thanks again for all your help and feedback. I can at least stop analyzing his comment. One less issue rattling around up there is good
Thanks guys