[notablackbarbie]

Another fight.

It is October 5-6, 2012.

I could have prevented all of this. I was supposed to do more. Another fight. More yelling and threats and cursing/crashing and rage. My sister left. Mom couldn’t calm either side down. The other parent - father - is murmuring and rationalizing and pacing back and forth.

These fights have been happening for so long. Same **** different day. Nothing changes. I had the chance almost 10 years ago. Another fight as well – cable pulled out of the tv because too much noise was made, and he was beating her. Last day we had proper cable working in the house. Mom couldn’t pay for it if it was going to be used like that. Her hard earned money should not be spent on that. Yet this is “his house” he says. I went to the phone. Screamed stop. Threats thrown at me too, literally with a lunge too. I got afraid and cowered away. Now here we are 10 years later. Yes we’re all adults now. Still, he calls her evil. Calls my mom useless. And I am just worthless.

There are times when – maybe – it seems like I am trying so hard. But it is pointless. I am a worthless waste and screwed up ****. Spreading more mess. Yes, this IS my damn fault.

Mom tried talking to me. Told me her side – she’s stressed out too. And yes she recognizes the same **** different day as well. As far as physical health, she can’t take it anymore; as far as money she can’t afford anymore either. It’s now after midnight and raining outside. Again more mess as things are crumbling and can’t stay together.

I am turning 27 at the end of the year and have failed it all.
-failed with school
-failed with work
-failed with networking, connections, socializing…
-failed with street smarts
-failed with assertiveness and all of those other necessary social skills to live in the “Real World”
-failed with money = a lot and broke at the same time
-failed with health = fat, skin broken out due to stress, disgusting
-failed with love = too afraid to try at all, just operate with stupid daydreams
-failed with trust and devotion and obedience and relationship = I am evil and insignificant

I am going to a wedding later today. Going to celebrate real love. S and A, H and C, E and M; S and P, N and K got married (thank you facebook), Z got married, P and baby father got married. Now my cousin M and her boo A. I also hear about peers who have been traveling, working in big places, and off exploring and experiencing life. I still wanted to take care…in someway, even though so much doesn’t work. Instead there is more mess. So alongside all of the other failures and multitude of other ways I am screwed up, I am also just pointless and in the way. Another burden that has to interrupt and yell STOP. Stop the yelling and the fighting and calling her evil and responding more to his words. Stop the flip-flopping back and forth with inconsistent stupidness that no one can keep up. Stop the threats of violence and threats to call the cops and screaming back and forth trying to declare a winner. Stop.

More pain. More weight. This all hurts and is so heavy. Again, all I am is a worthless waste and screwed up ****. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry…
(BTW, initials used instead of names...)
I am sorry...

*retreats back into hole in ground and covers self in dirt*.

ETA
Heh. With my skin colour, I'd actually blend right in too. Am also sorry for all of this pointless junk above...i guess i am naive and a wimp; alongside being a failure, screwed up, sick, crazy, stupid, and worthless....

FWIW I've always liked reading your posts although I don't see a lot of them. I think we frequent different forums. I think you're amazingly intelligent and thoughtful.
Hang in there

[unaluna]

ditto. no way barbie. your time has just begun.

[notablackbarbie]

I'm not explaining myself well at all. Everything is a mess. And all I do is make things worse
Like even just here.
Guess I shouldn't have bothered at all...

[dailyhealing]

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I don't know you but think you don't mess things up here.

[Gr3tta]

i can see several ways you might interpret all the negatives that are going on as caused by you. that makes sense to me. but that doesn't mean it is true.
maybe you didn't make all the accomplishments you think you should have, but "should have" isn't a very useful state.
you deserve congratulations for all the difficult tasks you've accomplished. did you get out of bed today? did it feel incredibly difficult, but you still persevered? that deserves congratulations. remember that it's all to scale: people who easily roll out of bed and head off to work don't deserve congratulations because it is so easy for them. they earn their congrats other ways.
from all of your posts i've read, i've always found you to be intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, and empathetic. please try to give yourself as much credit for all of your accomplishments as you do for all your perceived failures.

[Ardmore]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I know how you feel I've been in this position for a very long time and though it took a long time, things did get better but thats not very helpful is it.

Wish I know what to say except to be the better person.

[Sannah]

So your dad is making everyone feel bad in the household?