[TheLokiWolf]

Just gunna vent again, let out some thoughts. yada yada yada.

So im in therapy twice a week. And its a little odd. I feel like im not progressing. But my therapist says i am. Its wierd. I was abused as a child. and have recurring nightmares and my therapist says i have "flashbacks" where i think im back in my old house in various situations. Its apparently happened a couple of times in therapy. I hear the abuser in my head and its hard to block him out and ignore it or tell him to leave me alone. the voice consumes me and makes me want to do things. I had a real hard session one week ago. Where i apparently had a flashback i was shaking and not responding to my therapist at all. After a moment i switched to a wolf (ill explain in a minute) and started shaking more and "wimpering" After an hour i had deteriorated. So my therapist made a call to the hospital and they sent an ambulance. just before the abulance arrived another wolf came through and convinced them we would be fine, and got me out of there.

Now the wolves thing, i have 2 wolves. we form a pack. They live in a zone in my mind which i have created. a land of snow and stars. They come through when i need them. Thats that story. ANYWAY....

In therapy i talk for about 10-15mins max. Before things get hard and i shutdown. My Therapist is trying really hard to keep me in the room. since i dissociate and leave to the safe zone in my mind. She says im working hard. but i feel like im going backwards. Yesterday she had paper and pencils and that so i could draw if i want. She closes the curtains since i hate reflections. and i get blankets. shes trying so hard. I feel a little bad because i cant seem to focus or talk to her for a sustained period of time. When shes trying so hard. Its nothing to do with her. its all me. Im afraid of her leaving me. but its hard to talk at the same time. She seems to understand, but i dont. its like a light switch. One minute im happily telling her about seeing a movie at the cinema, next minute im drifting away or shutting down. its hard.

anyway. thats all im going to write for now. Im getting a headache.

[Sannah]

I think that you are doing great work Wolf. Opening up this pandoras box does make it feel like you are getting worse but this is the route to getting better. You need to get this stuff out and process it so that you can be better and it can be very difficult. Talking to your T for 15 minutes per session is a great accomplishment. Eventually, you should be able to lengthen this. I'm really glad that you have a good therapist and you are able to see her twice a week. Continue to keep us posted on your progress?

[TheLokiWolf]

Hi Sannah thanks for your reply. Had therapy again today. Same thing happened. Even my therapist said today "ive noticed that for the first 10-15 minutes it feels like it did before with talking about whats been happening. and then something changes and you get progressively quieter until you dont talk at all." Im not sure what happens. today for the first time i began to hurt myself in therapy. its the first time ive done it in therapy. I tightened a bracelet on my wrist so tight my hand went numb and it broke the skin. Not enough to bleed. But still. im starting to panic about it too because im unsure of what is causing it. anyway thats my update.

[LibertyBelle]

I have nightmares of past abuse too. The worst is when I wake up and for a moment think that I'm in my childhood home and the past two years of safety and freedom were just a dream.

Such a terrible feeling.

[TheLokiWolf]

hugs Libbers. i think its why im panicking now. i dont know whats happening. and i dont know whats real and whats happening inside my head. its all confusing. the days are blending. im becoming more and more uncomfortable. i draw pictures which show painful things sometimes and they are getting worse. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to find the words to tell my therapist whats happening when i shut down. today after i went quiet she gave me a piece of paper and i wrote one thing. "he wants me to hurt". thats all i wrote and about all i said after i shut down. i stayed in the room for the full 50mins this time at least. small progress. im getting headaches on a daily basis. i feel so much conflict inside and i just want the pain to stop.

[LibertyBelle]

The only things I've found that help are time, video games (particularly puzzle games with out timers) when I'm trying to sleep, and not thinking about my abuser as much as possible which isn't always easy.

I think I use video games instead of disassociating the way you do but for the same purpose. If I'm not trying to sleep but a bad memory is locking up my life and panicking me, I'll play an RPG on my DS, like Rune Factory or the Legend of Zelda. The games have endings so I can escape into them when I need to without risking them eating my life the way online games like World of Warcraft would.

[TheLokiWolf]

Thanks again libbers

I play alot of video games for escapism. i like violent games RPG puzzle whatever. anything to escape. i draw to escape. i try my hardest to escape but its very hard and challenging for me. especially in therapy. i just wish this wasnt this hard. im sick of having my brain if that makes sense. i wish i could take it out for an hour. Not have the voices or thought of worries or memories or anything. just blankness. its hard.

[Sannah]

I can certainly understand how talking about what happened to you could cause you to get overwhelmed and stop talking. This stuff is hard.