[OliversTwisted94]

So, here I am. I am someone; I know I am a teenaged girl. I know I have lot of problems, and I know that I have been through a lot of *****. I know that I am really struggling to survive right now. But it's what I don't seem to know that bothers me. I know that, somewhere in my mind, I have stored the exact details and emotions of my life... but I don't know where to find them.

That wouldn't be an issue; I could just bottle them up and ignore them, like I have been conditioned to do. But little bits and pieces just keep leaking out of me
I don't intentionally try to hide or run from my past experiences.... but I still find myself avoiding them. I can tell myself all the time that "If I don't think about them, see them, hear about them, or talk about them, then I won't have to deal with them. Ignore them, for your own sake."
But that isn't working anymore (actually, I doubt it ever has; otherwise, I wouldn't have experienced the emotional turmoil and pain.)

I have lately been remembering things about my father. I have recalled the lay-out of his house, his pets, his wife, and even the decor of his home, But for the life of me, I can't recall his face. And this bothers me a lot, because I am also remembering some very specific memories; taking a bath, going to the bathroom, a few times where I was all alone with him..... all of these memories, they play like a tape. I watch a scene unfold in my head; I watch it play out, but when his "character" walks into the frame, someone pushes the stop button. I can feel that it's him in those scenes, but I can't see him. I don't know if that makes any sense...... but that is the only way I can describe it.
I don't quite comprehend why it bothers me so much to not remember him; you would think that it would be a comfort. But... well..... it's like this: I have always doubted myself, because whenever it gets to the "big scene", I can't remember what happens, or even what his face looks like. That pushes me over the edge. I always worry that I'm being crazy, or paranoid about this kind of thing; that, because my sister remembered the abuse first, I am just making this all up somewhere in my mind. And what if my sister was wrong? I don't think that she was lying (she wouldn't have maintained a lie for so long- it's going on nine years or so, and she usually tangles her self in her lies within a few days). But either way, I still worry that I'm a terrible person for remembering something that may not be true. Then my negative feelings may have no basis in reality. It scares me; I never talk about this, because what if I'm wrong? I don't want to go around spreading lies. But even that doesn't make sense to me; why would I have nightmares and partial flashbacks about something so horrible, if it never happened? I guess I'm lost; I don't think that I can trust myself anymore. I don't have any specific memories. If I just remembered something- ANYTHING, really- about my father, maybe I could know for sure. I can't bring myself to talk about it still, and I haven't seen him in over ten years. He left me a voice-mail on my 16th birthday, but I didn't call him back. I am so confused. How do I approach this??? Should I be telling my therapist if- though I am beginning to remember more- I still can't recall a lot of things??? How can I get over this sickening feeling in my stomach? How can I cure this pain that is ripping through me like knife; a pain that I don't know if I am deserving to feel...... how does one bring this up, when asked why I'm so depressed???

I know that this was quite a rant. In some places, it may have sounded a little dramatic or poetic (that was completely accidental, though). Any advice or responses to anything I have asked/said in this post would be helpful. Thanks for any support or help I get from you guys

[picklewheeze]

Id say its probably more likely somethig happened and youve repressed the memory but its now coming out off yu one way or another. I would definitwly brig it up with ypur T so you can work through. Whether its somethig that genuinwky happened or somethin you 'thought up' its obviously still really affectig you so needs resolving. Just say what youve said here how you dont know if its true or not, then you should be able to work theough it with your T and understand it. Dont keep tryig to shut the lid.