[Erti]

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Trigger Warning: Description of sexual abuse.

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It started before I can remember up until I was 7 years old. My mom was gone and it was just him and I. It was a game and he satisfied my curiosity on how males and females are different. He let me watch him go to the bathroom. He use to play with me. We had tickle fights and at times touched me inappropriately. Maybe it was an accident I tell myself. Maybe he didn't mean to grab me like that. It felt strange and at the time I wanted him to do it again. We were in his and my mom’s bed. Things would proceed to go further and my memory goes blank. I remember being as young as 2 or 3 years old and my privet parts were hurting during bath time. Because I had lack of vocabulary to what was really hurting I told my mom my butt was hurting. Of course my mom didn't know what I was really saying so nothing was done that day.

The one time I remember the most was when my mom was at work and I was home alone with her boyfriend. After playing in my room for a while I decided to go downstairs to get something from the kitchen. As I walked downstairs as my moms boyfriend stopped me in the dinning room. He pulled down his pants and sat down in on one of the the dinning room chairs. He made me sit on his lap. I looked at his penis and the hair surrounding it. It frighten me. “You can touch it”, he said as he pulled my hand towards his penis. My body goes numb. He removes all my cloths and we started to play around. Eventually he had forced himself inside me. At the time I was only 5 or 6 years old. I felt scared and It was like I wasn't really there. I kept looking at front door in the living room. “If your mom finds out than we would be in trouble. You don't want that?”, he said as he knew what I was thinking. "I swear I wont tell mommy", I said looking away from him and at the door.

The sexual abuse from my moms boyfriend ended when I was at my grandmothers house when I was 7 years old. I was told that he was going to watch me for the rest of the night. I didn't want to go home. I told my grandmother that I don't feel like having my butt tickled thinking that my mom's boyfriend wouldn't get into trouble if I had just said that. I begged my grandma not to tell my mom. I got my wish and I slept at my grandmothers house that night. Mom woke me up telling me that she kicked him out. I cried my eyes out because my mom did that. Not sure if I was afraid or if I really didn't want him to leave. After she kicked him out, it was like nothing happened. I got no help and my mom acts like it had never happened.

I remember doing different sexual acts with other kids when I was young. I'm not sure if it was because of my sexual abuse or if it was out of curiosity. I remember my cousin show me how to make babies. she had me hump the chair and told me that babies drank milk out of mommies breast. She had me "drink milk" from her nipples like I was the baby and she was the mommy. I was 6 and she was 8. It never bothered me for some strange reason. I remember being in the bath tub with her an we had talks about each others body. She would feel my stomach and telling me that I had babies in it. We play doctor and I was the patient. We had done "CPR" on each other. I also remember being baby sat by some girl one time. There was a boy my age and we play boyfriend and girlfriend. We went into the kitchen under a bed that was up against the wall. We made out and he pulled it his pants down and told me that girls put it in their mouths and so I did.

My first "real" lesbian experience was when I was 11 and she was 10. My second one was when I was 16 and the girl was 15. I started going online and talked to strange men when I was 12. I would have internet sex with men as old as 30. Sex had been more than an obsession before I was even 13. At the time, if a guy would ask, I would of had sex with them. I never presume my sexual fantasies like I wanted to. I felt dirty and disgusting but it was a secret that I would never tell. Luckily I was too shy to seduce anyone. Something tells me that if something did happen I would be traumatized more than what I had been because of past sexual abuse. I usually avoid the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend threw most of my high school career. Despite liking both girls and boys, I told everyone that I was a lesbian to avoid a relationship. At 18 I had my first real boyfriend. At 22 years old I am still with that boyfriend despite many brake ups. Our sex life is nonexistent because sex is not enjoyable to me because of my abuse. I've been having nightmares for a while now. It's strange how past abuse likes to haunt you years later.

[Sannah]

Hi Erti, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that all that happened to you. Do you have a therapist to work through this with?

[Erti]

I was receiving counseling but at the moment I'm only seeing a P-Doc for medication with my depression and psychosis. However, I still working out my issues.

[Ardmore]

I'm so sorryI hope you find the help you need.

[Big Mama]

It is very strange how some things never leave you. The emotional scars always seem to be there. Lurking in the shadows some times and in your face other times. I just posted on here in the survivors of abuse forum. "Just another little piece to the puzzle" or something like that. I do know exactly what you are going threw. I was raped repeatedly for 9 mo 25+ years ago. Things are just now starting to work there way up to the surface. I have been married to the same man for 18 years and still have issues due to the rape come and go. I am so used to it the T seems to think the issues more than come and go. They have a constant impact on how I see things and deal w/ things. But this is your thread about yoy and I really feel for you. I don't have any great words of advice only words of encouragement and knowledge that I share some of the same feelings you do. You are not alone. Often that means more than anything just to know someone can relate and you are not alone.

Keep talking to us hare at PC. It's a wonderful place and everyone here is so accepting. Keep in touch.

[Erti]

Thanks Big Mama. It is strange how things never leave you. I know I'm not alone and I'm sorry you been through it as well. I thought I share my story here for those who has been through sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. Maybe they can share theirs as well.

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[kindachaotic]

Flee, English?

It would be nice to understand your post.
Unless that is not your intention

Sorry to interrupt you thread Erti.

My thoughts are with you in dealing with trauma's forced upon you as just a child.