guilty/trigger

lately it has been my pare&ts birthday. yeah both of them in the same week. i have been feeling so guilty about the pass that i am pretty much trying to do anything for them to make it up. i started hurting my self when i was a teen. i am now twenty nine. i also had ed issues. now i am not in therapy and once in a blue moon i will hurt my self. my mom threw me out and my dad couldnt put up with it . and either could my aunt when i went to live with her. but i feel guilty. i feel guilty for be such a problem child and causing so many problems for them. i hated my step dad and he did three yrs ago on my mom's birthday. i feel like a failure in there eyes. i have had several hospitalization and therapy and dx. i dont go any more and i am just trying to get through school but it is hard. i can't seem to do anything right at home. my friend is angry most of the time. i want to die. i feel guilty for feeling this way and i feel guilty for the past even though i can't change and have to learn from it. but i dont seem to care. i just want to die but so afraid i wont if i attempted suicide. my friend is convinced i have DID. i have no idea what i have. everyone changes there mind and i dont trust therapist anymore. plus my parents wont talkt o me if i am in therapy orhurting my self. i told my mom in when i was in first grade or so that my stepfather walked in on me in the bathroom. and in nineth grade i wrote a paper about him raping me for yrs. she was peeved. and told me why do you want to start trouble? i feel guilty for everything. i have memories come up but i dont have a clue if they are real or what. i feel like i am all alone. i dont have anyone i can ask either because i am an only child. i did have 2 stepsisters but they stopped coming to our house when i was seven . they were seven and 1. i havent seen one of them since we were both 13. i dont know what to think.

On the diagnosis - go with what your present therapist says you have. Criteria for mental disorders change from time to time for example back in the 1970's people with dID were diagnosed with Schizophrenia because back then they did not distinguish between the types of and location of the voices the person hears.

If you want to know what your present diagnosis is ask your therapist for a Comprehensive Psychological Evaluation. This type of testing includes interviews with a psychiatrist or psychologist, computerized and oral test questions, IQ testing and any other tests that they feel with benefit in helping to diagnose you. When you get the results of that test the report will include your diagnosises on the miltiaxil gorups, and your psychological functioning level, your IQ, Where you are on the dissociative disorders scale, and your treatment plan recommendations.

i have all of those test done. the last test i took at my private agency said i was severly dissociative with suicidal tendencies. i am not in therapy now. i havent been in a very long time. i also was just tested with a LD.

The reason I mentioned the testing is because in your post you said nothing about being tested -

"my friend is convinced i have DID. i have no idea what i have."

Now you are saying you have been tested. Since you have been tested you have what you need to make your life better for yourself if you really want it.

A great place to start if you want to start by taking care of some things on your own is your test results. you should have recieved a copy of the Comprehensive Psychological Evaluation. In there you will see the number that you are on the dissociative disorders scale. and recommendations for clients with that number. Actually you will find alot besides this in that report that can help you help yourself.

you will find what you said during the interview part and the problems the psychiatrist noticed and what problems you told him about and the names of the tests used and your results of those tests and the psychiatrists views on what you said and how you appeared during the testing and his recommendations for treatment plans.

Suicide is not a part of the criteria and symptoms of DID so you will see a different diagnosis besides DID on your multiaxil chart and it will have some numbers that correspond with things in the DSM IV TR.

For example (not my acual report)

Axis I: DID, 9 , PTSD, Chronic (DSM - IV 123.45)

Axis II: Personality Disorder with Borderline, Histerionic and OCD, Schizotypal features (DSM -IV 123.45)

Axis III: Sickle Cell Anemia, Blind

Axis IV limited income, husband recently deceased, limited support network

Axis V: GAF 50

Once you have your report in your hand you have all you need to make up your own therapy plan by researching and locating resorses in your community.

For example if the report says you have depression call around to crisis ceenters and therapy agencies and ask if there is a depression management class somewhere you can register for. If your report says he noticed you have an anger problem locate an anger management class, and so on. most communities now have crisis centers that run all kinds of groups both therapy based and support based on all kinds of topics.

By doing this not only will you be making yourself a custom made therapy program to meet your needs but you will also be able to get to know other people in the real world that have the same problems that you have so you wont feel so alone.

A person does not nessesarily need to be in therapy to take care of their problems. All you need is the wanting to change and have a better life and then set out to change what you are having problems with. A A therapist cant fix people. they can be there as a tool - someone to talk to , Somewhere safe you can talk about things, they can suggest ideas and resourses. But the actual therapy work is the client actually doing things to change and make their life better. And a person can change themselves and apply solutions with or without a therapist.

Take care.