[1moretime]

I have questions about EMDR. I have tried conventional counseling but, it was unsuccessful. I suffer from some deep seated emotional issues arising from my childhood. I grew up in a home that was totally devoid of any type of love or attention. There was a great deal of emotional abuse and threats of being abandoned.

I do not know for certain but, I may also have been sexually abused as a young boy. I have very vague memories of this incident but I just can’t recall anything specific. I have a terrible feeling that this was the case and I have actually started to fear the answer.

I have tremendous fears of loss of loved ones or anyone close to me. My wife of 23 years passed away 7 years ago. Even before I married her, whenever I got close to someone I typically drove them away with my intense emotions toward them.

Recently, I met a woman who I thought I had fallen in love with. She broke off our relationship and my reaction was scary. I actually faked being ill in an effort to get her back. I was horrified by my action and realized that I really didn’t have any feelings for her. I think it was that she gave me so much attention that I became addicted to her. Nevertheless, when I realized that I really don’t have any feelings for anyone, I was completely perplexed by my actions.

I have taken every personality test and personality disorder test I can find. Oddly enough, none of them review anything completely out of the ordinary. What caused this all to surface was a mistake by my doctor.

I recently started hormone therapy and someone forgot to give me the pills that prevent estrogen build up in men. My estrogen levels went off the chart in one month and I became extremely emotional. After addressing the problem, I read some of my journal and was mortified by what I read. It seems very clear to me that there was a sexual assault and my true feelings for my parents were clearly spelled out.

I lead a very normal life and hold a high level position in my company. I have always been an overachiever and am usually the life of the party. It seems that even though I have managed to be successful, I am extremely insecure and completely lack any self-confidence. I suppose I am a very high functioning sick man.

I truly hope that someone will tell me that EMDR has worked for them.

[Sannah]

I don't know much about EMDR but I'm a big fan of therapy to work through issues. How much therapy did you try (if you don't mind me asking)?

And yeah, you can be high functioning/on top of things cognitively but emotionally be 5 yrs of age (because emotional development didn't progress when you were a child due to dysfunctional family environment). I found myself in this exact position. Child development as an adult can go very quickly because we are adults. I did a lot of child development as an adult. I think that it is a major part of mental illness.

[1moretime]

Thanks for the response. I have been in therapy twice. The first time was for several months but, I seriously doubt I was ready to deal with my issues. Additionally, I think I built such giant barriers that there was really no chance of anyone ever penetrating them.

I am looking forward to my first session next week. I am about as excited as I am traumatized over what I am going to learn. I think that I have a good idea of what is going to come out and I think I am ready to heal from it.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you have an appt. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

[1moretime]

I will do that next Tuesday at 10 am.

[Open Eyes]

1moretime,

I agree with Shannah, some people can be very "high functioning" and have a lot of hidden hurt from a troubled childhood.

I have not tried EMDR myself, I have heard some people say it has helped them and yet others say it did nothing for them. I guess you would have to try it and see for yourself.

As I said, I agree with Sannah about the value of therapy, I think it depends on "if you have a good therapist" as well as "if you are ready to finally face your past" too.
The things you have discussed here are some "red flags" that you have some unresolved issues. It is good that you are observing yourself, recognizing something is not right and are now commited to finding out what it is, good for you.

Let us know how you make out.

Open Eyes

[1moretime]

Thank you so much for your response. I will let you know how it works.

[suzzie]

hope it goes well for you.